Dear Barry Obama

Welcome, Barry. You are already my favorite black president and you’ve only been on the job one day. That’s all kinds of awesome. Keep it up. To get through your four years (yeah, that’s all your getting) I’m going to give you some fantastic advice. To be honest, there’s no way you'll survive without it. I am all knowing and I smell nice. So, here we go.

How about Israel gets by without shitloads of our money? I think they’ll do okay. At the very least, pulling back on giving them gobs and gobs of money might make them less prone to go on another baby killing massacre spree. Besides, we need all that money for our own baby killing sprees. Giving 7 million dollars a day to Israel is completely ridiculous, especially considering the state of our country. Israel seems all growned up, so let’s take off the training wheels. Plus, people seem to really like us a lot less because we back Israel up during their baby killing sprees. That’s not going to work out in the long run –– or the short run. So, that’s 3 billion a year we can use here in the good old US of A. You’re welcome, Barry.

Next up, let’s get our gamble on, Barry! We’re all adults –– or, at least most of us are (Admittedly, some of are children). Specifically, I am talking about Internet gambling. Let’s face it, people aren’t going to be going out much during this depression –– and they are going to want to gamble because they are sad and hopeless. Actually, they ARE going to gamble, regardless of the laws. Congress made online gambling illegal a couple of years ago –– which just means people are now gambling illegally and we are not collecting tax revenue. That’s a lot of money we are just letting slip away for no reason.

The U.S. Treasury is losing billions in revenue every year from offshore gambling because we cannot enforce existing tax laws. In good economic times we might see that as an unfortunate oversight, but in bad economic times, like now, we should see it as totally unacceptable.

H.R. 2607, the Internet Gambling Regulation and Tax Enforcement Act, would protect Americans even as it restores tax fairness. Currently, all of the legal online gambling companies are based outside the U.S. and thus are not subject to U.S. taxation. Under my proposal, however, a condition to be licensed to conduct business in the U.S. would be a requirement that each licensee submit to U.S. jurisdiction to ensure the ability of the U.S. to enforce payment of all taxes due — including state taxes, generating new revenues for any state that chooses to allow Internet gambling under the federal license.

Preliminary revenue estimates prepared by the respected accounting firm PricewaterhouseCoopers indicate that regulating Internet gambling could generate between $3.1 billion and $15.2 billion in federal revenues during the first five years, and between $8.7 billion and $42.8 billion over the first 10 years. Additional revenue to the federal government would come from income tax on the operators’ profits and on the winnings of individual gamblers.

Look at how much money I just made for you, Barry! That’s sweet, sweet cash you can make just sitting on your ass. Again, you are welcome.

Next up, let’s get our vaginas and penises going. Time to legalize prostitution. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Barry, but it’s happening, everywhere. From what I’ve read it happened big time at the Republican and Democratic National Conventions. New York Governors do it and Louisiana Senators do it. There’s lots of fucking for money going on and we should get in on that action. Apparently, just one brothel can bring in $250,000 in taxes per year.

The county expects the newly approved, 40-room brothel to generate $200,000 to $250,000 in room taxes each year.

That’s just one. There would probably be many more because tons of dudes don’t have mad skillz when it comes to the ladies –– and yet they love vaginas. We’re talking about $360 million in tax revenue. Granted, it’s not as much as cutting off baby killing Israel, but it’s a nice chunk of change.

Let’s stop those wars. They are totally bumming me out, seem pretty useless and are making us less safe. We’re kicking down $144 billion a year in Iraq and they don’t even like us (Mostly because we kill them and stuff). We are throwing in another $4 billion a year in Afghanistan. Let’s admit we blew it in both cases. Totally blew it. We need to now acknowledge we are fuck ups, say, "My bad," apologize and go home. It’s like having too much tequila at a party and waking up the next morning with hazy memories of peeing in the dryer, punching a hole in the wall and grabbing your friend’s breast. It’s a loss. You blew it. Nobody wants you around. It’s time head home and soak in our shame. I just saved you $196 billion a year, Barry. You are very welcome.

Of course, the biggest and most obvious money saving move would be to legalize a bunch of drugs. You know, gateway drugs. I’m talking marijuana, tranquilizers, a few painkillers, Ketamine, magic mushrooms, LSD and ecstasy. Honestly, I don’t know shit about Ketamine, but I like the name, so I put it on the list. I am quite familiar with the rest of them. That’s why God made college.

The war on drugs is ridiculous.

In 2005, the DEA seized a reported $1.4 billion in drug trade related assets and $477 million worth of drugs. However, according to the White House’s Office of Drug Control Policy, the total value of all of the drugs sold in the U.S. is as much as $64 billion a year, making the DEA’s efforts to intercept the flow of drugs into and within the U.S. less than 1% effective.

That is just the “effectiveness” of our drug war. The amount of money we spend in fighting the drug war and the lost revenue in taxes is insane. The “experts” are all over the map in terms of actual gains. A Libertarian economist recently concluded we would net about $77 billion from the legalization of all drugs.

Legalizing drugs would save roughly $44.1 billion per year in government expenditure on enforcement of drug laws, with about $30.3 billion of this savings going to state and local governments and the rest staying in the U.S. Treasury.

•Drug legalization would yield tax revenue of $32.7 billion annually. That's assuming legal drugs are taxed at rates similar to those on alcohol and tobacco. About $6.7 billion would come from sales of legal marijuana, $22.5 billion from sales of cocaine and heroin and the remainder from the sales of other drugs now prohibited.

That’s pretty sweet. I could buy a boat, or something, with that kind of money. Our government obviously doesn’t have the balls to legalize them all, so let’s just go with the really fun ones.

And this money doesn’t even include all the money we are going to spend protecting ourselves from Mexico, as it descends into an unstable country run by drug cartels. Although, I’m sure the Christians will lose their minds, so let’s say we’re going to legalize everything, then “compromise” and just legalize pot.

Taken together, the lost tax revenue from the diversion of funds to the marijuana market and the cost of marijuana arrests produce a budgetary cost to local, state and the federal government of $41.8 billion.

Dude, I just made you $41.8 billion dollars. Spend it as you wish. And you can tell people you smoked pot and everything worked out. Hell, you smoked crack and everything worked out.

Next up, increase the gas tax. Each penny increase is about 2 billion in annual revenue. Let’s kick that fucker up 10 cents for a year. How’s that $20 billion I just made you doing? Why stop there? 50 cents for a year = $100 billion. Even if you take it and spend it all on hookers and pot, we walk away with some serious cash because of all the other moves I’ve laid out.

I just made you some serious, dough, Barry. Don't fuck this up. It's just waiting there for you to take. After you get all this money together, I think you should build a public teleportation device.

Good luck,

As always,

Your pal,

FearTheReaper


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.


http://img.suicidegirls.com/media/albums/2/34/13342/646685.jpg

web address: http://suicidegirls.com/news/politics/23520/Dear-Barry-Obama/