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  • TUESDAY JANUARY 20 2009 6:00 AM

Dear Barry Obama

Welcome, Barry. You are already my favorite black president and you’ve only been on the job one day. That’s all kinds of awesome. Keep it up. To get through your four years (yeah, that’s all your getting) I’m going to give you some fantastic advice. To be honest, there’s no way you'll survive without it. I am all knowing and I smell nice. So, here we go.

How about Israel gets by without shitloads of our money? I think they’ll do okay. At the very least, pulling back on giving them gobs and gobs of money might make them less prone to go on another baby killing massacre spree. Besides, we need all that money for our own baby killing sprees. Giving 7 million dollars a day to Israel is completely ridiculous, especially considering the state of our country. Israel seems all growned up, so let’s take off the training wheels. Plus, people seem to really like us a lot less because we back Israel up during their baby killing sprees. That’s not going to work out in the long run –– or the short run. So, that’s 3 billion a year we can use here in the good old US of A. You’re welcome, Barry.

Next up, let’s get our gamble on, Barry! We’re all adults –– or, at least most of us are (Admittedly, some of are children). Specifically, I am talking about Internet gambling. Let’s face it, people aren’t going to be going out much during this depression –– and they are going to want to gamble because they are sad and hopeless. Actually, they ARE going to gamble, regardless of the laws. Congress made online gambling illegal a couple of years ago –– which just means people are now gambling illegally and we are not collecting tax revenue. That’s a lot of money we are just letting slip away for no reason.

The U.S. Treasury is losing billions in revenue every year from offshore gambling because we cannot enforce existing tax laws. In good economic times we might see that as an unfortunate oversight, but in bad economic times, like now, we should see it as totally unacceptable.

H.R. 2607, the Internet Gambling Regulation and Tax Enforcement Act, would protect Americans even as it restores tax fairness. Currently, all of the legal online gambling companies are based outside the U.S. and thus are not subject to U.S. taxation. Under my proposal, however, a condition to be licensed to conduct business in the U.S. would be a requirement that each licensee submit to U.S. jurisdiction to ensure the ability of the U.S. to enforce payment of all taxes due — including state taxes, generating new revenues for any state that chooses to allow Internet gambling under the federal license.

Preliminary revenue estimates prepared by the respected accounting firm PricewaterhouseCoopers indicate that regulating Internet gambling could generate between $3.1 billion and $15.2 billion in federal revenues during the first five years, and between $8.7 billion and $42.8 billion over the first 10 years. Additional revenue to the federal government would come from income tax on the operators’ profits and on the winnings of individual gamblers.



Look at how much money I just made for you, Barry! That’s sweet, sweet cash you can make just sitting on your ass. Again, you are welcome.

Next up, let’s get our vaginas and penises going. Time to legalize prostitution. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Barry, but it’s happening, everywhere. From what I’ve read it happened big time at the Republican and Democratic National Conventions. New York Governors do it and Louisiana Senators do it. There’s lots of fucking for money going on and we should get in on that action. Apparently, just one brothel can bring in $250,000 in taxes per year.

The county expects the newly approved, 40-room brothel to generate $200,000 to $250,000 in room taxes each year.



That’s just one. There would probably be many more because tons of dudes don’t have mad skillz when it comes to the ladies –– and yet they love vaginas. We’re talking about $360 million in tax revenue. Granted, it’s not as much as cutting off baby killing Israel, but it’s a nice chunk of change.

Let’s stop those wars. They are totally bumming me out, seem pretty useless and are making us less safe. We’re kicking down $144 billion a year in Iraq and they don’t even like us (Mostly because we kill them and stuff). We are throwing in another $4 billion a year in Afghanistan. Let’s admit we blew it in both cases. Totally blew it. We need to now acknowledge we are fuck ups, say, "My bad," apologize and go home. It’s like having too much tequila at a party and waking up the next morning with hazy memories of peeing in the dryer, punching a hole in the wall and grabbing your friend’s breast. It’s a loss. You blew it. Nobody wants you around. It’s time head home and soak in our shame. I just saved you $196 billion a year, Barry. You are very welcome.

Of course, the biggest and most obvious money saving move would be to legalize a bunch of drugs. You know, gateway drugs. I’m talking marijuana, tranquilizers, a few painkillers, Ketamine, magic mushrooms, LSD and ecstasy. Honestly, I don’t know shit about Ketamine, but I like the name, so I put it on the list. I am quite familiar with the rest of them. That’s why God made college.

The war on drugs is ridiculous.

In 2005, the DEA seized a reported $1.4 billion in drug trade related assets and $477 million worth of drugs. However, according to the White House’s Office of Drug Control Policy, the total value of all of the drugs sold in the U.S. is as much as $64 billion a year, making the DEA’s efforts to intercept the flow of drugs into and within the U.S. less than 1% effective.



That is just the “effectiveness” of our drug war. The amount of money we spend in fighting the drug war and the lost revenue in taxes is insane. The “experts” are all over the map in terms of actual gains. A Libertarian economist recently concluded we would net about $77 billion from the legalization of all drugs.

Legalizing drugs would save roughly $44.1 billion per year in government expenditure on enforcement of drug laws, with about $30.3 billion of this savings going to state and local governments and the rest staying in the U.S. Treasury.

•Drug legalization would yield tax revenue of $32.7 billion annually. That's assuming legal drugs are taxed at rates similar to those on alcohol and tobacco. About $6.7 billion would come from sales of legal marijuana, $22.5 billion from sales of cocaine and heroin and the remainder from the sales of other drugs now prohibited.



That’s pretty sweet. I could buy a boat, or something, with that kind of money. Our government obviously doesn’t have the balls to legalize them all, so let’s just go with the really fun ones.

And this money doesn’t even include all the money we are going to spend protecting ourselves from Mexico, as it descends into an unstable country run by drug cartels. Although, I’m sure the Christians will lose their minds, so let’s say we’re going to legalize everything, then “compromise” and just legalize pot.

Taken together, the lost tax revenue from the diversion of funds to the marijuana market and the cost of marijuana arrests produce a budgetary cost to local, state and the federal government of $41.8 billion.



Dude, I just made you $41.8 billion dollars. Spend it as you wish. And you can tell people you smoked pot and everything worked out. Hell, you smoked crack and everything worked out.

Next up, increase the gas tax. Each penny increase is about 2 billion in annual revenue. Let’s kick that fucker up 10 cents for a year. How’s that $20 billion I just made you doing? Why stop there? 50 cents for a year = $100 billion. Even if you take it and spend it all on hookers and pot, we walk away with some serious cash because of all the other moves I’ve laid out.

I just made you some serious, dough, Barry. Don't fuck this up. It's just waiting there for you to take. After you get all this money together, I think you should build a public teleportation device.

Good luck,

As always,

Your pal,

FearTheReaper


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.


 

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Comments
motorfirebox

motorfirebox

Pittsburgh, PA
March 2004

JAN 20, 2009 07:07 AM

FearTheReaper said:
Next up, let’s get our gamble on, Barry! We’re all adults –– or, at least most of us are (Admittedly, some of are children). Specifically, I am talking about Internet gambling. Let’s face it, people aren’t going to be going out much during this depression –– and they are going to want to gamble because they are sad and hopeless. Actually, they ARE going to gamble, regardless of the laws. Congress made online gambling illegal a couple of years ago –– which just means people are now gambling illegally and we are not collecting tax revenue. That’s a lot of money we are just letting slip away for no reason.


there's actually a pretty good reason--two, really. at first glance, taxing gambling seems like an easy way to generate revenue for the state (or nation, in this case--though i'm not sure about the legality of a federal gambling tax). it's voluntary, right? you only gamble if you want to, and if you want to, there's no reason the state/nation shouldn't benefit.

the first problem is that gambling isn't always voluntary. it can be incredibly addictive, and once addicted, very destructive. the current enforcement of online gambling laws is a joke, and i'm not sure there's a good way to enforce them. but enabling online gambling--making it even easier for people to throw their lives away by allowing them to do so at home, alone--can't be a good idea, especially during a depression.

the second problem is, this 'voluntary tax' is, in reality, nothing more than a tax on the lower-income bracket. and yes, before you start in, much of the lower-income bracket in the US can certainly afford a computer and an internet connection. enabling online gambling means enabling the poor to remain poor--it's really as simple as that.

typh00nigator

typh00nigator

Syracuse, NY
June 2004

JAN 20, 2009 07:24 AM

that gas tax increase, although being an awesome way to increase revenue- is unrealistic given the fact that so much existing infrastructure has been built around an automobile-centred lifestyle. were serious efforts to be made to redesign cities and suburbs to make people not as dependent upon the "three cars per household" lifestyle, i'd be supportive of it. anything less than a total rethinking of the entire paradigm is really just a band-aid though.

silversoul7

silversoul7

Portland, OR
January 2008

JAN 20, 2009 07:41 AM

While I agree on all your points, I very much doubt the feasibility of some of them. Obama spent a campaign defending himself against charges of being a secret Muslim. How do you think it would look if he started withholding money from Israel? On the Drug War, I believe he has said that he does not favor legalization. However, if he could just go so far respecting the 10th Amendment and stopping the illegal raids on medical marijuana farms and dispensaries, that would be a huge leap forward. The gas tax increase seems like a plausible but largely inconsequential move.

GrayRains

GrayRains

Twin Lake, MI
January 2008

JAN 20, 2009 07:43 AM

Great article. Legalizing drugs I'm somewhat against, only just stuff like heroine and cocaine are pretty bad. Pot wouldn't bother me a bit, as long as it is regulated so people do not keep increasing the potency of weed. I was half tempted to go ahead and light up just to see what it is like when I left the active duty Army, but after having a buddy tell me to be careful about weed because of how the potency is increasing, now I think I'll just let it be one of those things that I can live without trying.

Horrorflick

Horrorflick

Detroit, MI
February 2003

JAN 20, 2009 08:28 AM

GrayRains said:
Great article. Legalizing drugs I'm somewhat against, only just stuff like heroine and cocaine are pretty bad. Pot wouldn't bother me a bit, as long as it is regulated so people do not keep increasing the potency of weed. I was half tempted to go ahead and light up just to see what it is like when I left the active duty Army, but after having a buddy tell me to be careful about weed because of how the potency is increasing, now I think I'll just let it be one of those things that I can live without trying.



Yeah, but what if you want to get really, really high?

mydogfarted

mydogfarted

Oakland, NJ
June 2003

JAN 20, 2009 08:35 AM

typh00nigator said:
that gas tax increase, although being an awesome way to increase revenue- is unrealistic given the fact that so much existing infrastructure has been built around an automobile-centred lifestyle. were serious efforts to be made to redesign cities and suburbs to make people not as dependent upon the "three cars per household" lifestyle, i'd be supportive of it. anything less than a total rethinking of the entire paradigm is really just a band-aid though.



Ten cents is unrealistic? Considering how we survived gas prices twice the current level, I'm sure an extra ~$2.00 per fill up is not going to kill us.

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

JAN 20, 2009 09:10 AM

mydogfarted said:

typh00nigator said:
that gas tax increase, although being an awesome way to increase revenue- is unrealistic given the fact that so much existing infrastructure has been built around an automobile-centred lifestyle. were serious efforts to be made to redesign cities and suburbs to make people not as dependent upon the "three cars per household" lifestyle, i'd be supportive of it. anything less than a total rethinking of the entire paradigm is really just a band-aid though.



Ten cents is unrealistic? Considering how we survived gas prices twice the current level, I'm sure an extra ~$2.00 per fill up is not going to kill us.



Any increase in gas will result in an increase for services and goods.

You're seeing it on a personal, small scale.

A lot of companies use gasoline box trucks to make local deliveries and end up fueling up once a day, not to mention the service industry people, like cable installation, phone services, satellite TV. They spend most of their day driving, and fueling up their vehicle.

A fleet of 100 vehicles, refuels once a day, at an extra $3+ a fill-up (most work trucks hold near 30 gallons). +/- $300 a day, 5 days a week is $1500 a week in expenditures. $1500 x 52 weeks is $78,000 a year. Companies more than likely aren't going to just eat that cost.

It gets even worse when you get into Diesels and OTR shipping. Where fuel tanks get into the 300 gallon zone.

We'd be getting hit on both sides, not only would we be paying the gas tax, we would end up making up the difference in the gas tax on service and goods prices.

You're also assuming that gas prices will stay where they are at currently.

khoos

khoos

HOPEFUL

Ottawa, ON

JAN 20, 2009 09:22 AM

DevilsReject said:
Any increase in gas will result in an increase for services and goods.

You're seeing it on a personal, small scale.

A lot of companies use gasoline box trucks to make local deliveries and end up fueling up once a day, not to mention the service industry people, like cable installation, phone services, satellite TV. They spend most of their day driving, and fueling up their vehicle.

A fleet of 100 vehicles, refuels once a day, at an extra $3+ a fill-up (most work trucks hold near 30 gallons). +/- $300 a day, 5 days a week is $1500 a week in expenditures. $1500 x 52 weeks is $78,000 a year. Companies more than likely aren't going to just eat that cost.

It gets even worse when you get into Diesels and OTR shipping. Where fuel tanks get into the 300 gallon zone.

We'd be getting hit on both sides, not only would we be paying the gas tax, we would end up making up the difference in the gas tax on service and goods prices.

You're also assuming that gas prices will stay where they are at currently.



A lot of companies increased the price of their goods and services to cover higher gas prices just a few months ago. I have not come across a company that has gone back down despite the price of gas falling dramatically.

mydogfarted

mydogfarted

Oakland, NJ
June 2003

JAN 20, 2009 09:34 AM

khoos said:
A lot of companies increased the price of their goods and services to cover higher gas prices just a few months ago. I have not come across a company that has gone back down despite the price of gas falling dramatically.



We've had fights with several of our suppliers and shippers, including UPS, about the continued "fuel price increase" they've continued to charge us for since fuel prices have lowered and stabilized for months now.

Horrorflick

Horrorflick

Detroit, MI
February 2003

JAN 20, 2009 09:53 AM

mydogfarted said:

khoos said:
A lot of companies increased the price of their goods and services to cover higher gas prices just a few months ago. I have not come across a company that has gone back down despite the price of gas falling dramatically.



We've had fights with several of our suppliers and shippers, including UPS, about the continued "fuel price increase" they've continued to charge us for since fuel prices have lowered and stabilized for months now.



Oh, no. These people (soulless, rich assholes) don't let their money go. Anybody who doesn't believe that gas prices will be up to $5 a gallon by the summer and probably $10 a gallon a year or two from now (European pricing...) is seriously lacking in the smarts department. And I don't think "Barry" is going to stick, though I hope he gets more than 4 years in office.

Stiles

Stiles

Oakland, CA
November 2002

JAN 20, 2009 09:58 AM

mydogfarted said:

khoos said:
A lot of companies increased the price of their goods and services to cover higher gas prices just a few months ago. I have not come across a company that has gone back down despite the price of gas falling dramatically.



We've had fights with several of our suppliers and shippers, including UPS, about the continued "fuel price increase" they've continued to charge us for since fuel prices have lowered and stabilized for months now.



Exactly. UPS, city taxis all over the place, trucking companies everywhere are all still charging a big fuel surcharge even though prices have fallen more than 40% in many areas. The events of this summer proved that we can survive at over $4.00/gal, even if it is painful. Gas is now less than half that, so there is no reason at all not to raise the federal tax by 25 cents a gallon and use the money to fix our highways that we have been neglecting since Reagan took office in 1980, almost 30 years ago today.

Our nation's roads, highways and bridges could use that $50 billion/year investment, which would create jobs here in America and put much of that money directly into the US economy through wages, materials purchases, and taxes on both of those.

Melicious

Melicious

Dallas, TX
July 2006

JAN 20, 2009 10:03 AM

I think the drug war should be evaluated. The amount of money... There is a councilman in El Paso (I believe) who is fighting this, talking about the dangers of fighting this, and how much money it would bring in. In this failing economy, that would really help everything - those horrible bridges and roads for one.

GrayRains

GrayRains

Twin Lake, MI
January 2008

JAN 20, 2009 10:08 AM

Melicious said:
I think the drug war should be evaluated. The amount of money... There is a councilman in El Paso (I believe) who is fighting this, talking about the dangers of fighting this, and how much money it would bring in. In this failing economy, that would really help everything - those horrible bridges and roads for one.



El Paso... left that place not too long ago...

You should hear about all the death threats local cops are getting now. Even a soldier from my old unit is possibly kinda-sorta involved with the drug mafia and a shooting that happened at a club down there.

Something must be done to take away the power from those cartels, and legalizing drugs is probably the best idea for it.

typh00nigator

typh00nigator

Syracuse, NY
June 2004

JAN 20, 2009 10:13 AM

mydogfarted said:

Ten cents is unrealistic? Considering how we survived gas prices twice the current level, I'm sure an extra ~$2.00 per fill up is not going to kill us.



it's not the tax increase itself that's unrealistic, but rather the entire direction that line of thinking is headed towards. more needs to be done to wean people away from cars than just taxing gas alone. i personally have no need for a car where i presently live, but for the vast majority of people in the US the infrastructure isn't in place for people to be able to rely upon public or human-powered transportation. on top of that, there's still an attitude which views any attempt to get people to give up the suburban lifestyle in general and cars in particular as a call to the evil boogeyman of all boogeymen, socialism.

Melicious

Melicious

Dallas, TX
July 2006

JAN 20, 2009 10:18 AM

GrayRains said:

Melicious said:
I think the drug war should be evaluated. The amount of money... There is a councilman in El Paso (I believe) who is fighting this, talking about the dangers of fighting this, and how much money it would bring in. In this failing economy, that would really help everything - those horrible bridges and roads for one.



El Paso... left that place not too long ago...

You should hear about all the death threats local cops are getting now. Even a soldier from my old unit is possibly kinda-sorta involved with the drug mafia and a shooting that happened at a club down there.

Something must be done to take away the power from those cartels, and legalizing drugs is probably the best idea for it.



Exactly, that was part of the reason this guy was fighting to at least get marijuana legalized. Just the money from that alone would help alleviate some of those problems....

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