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  • THURSDAY JANUARY 15 2009 6:00 AM

Barnes Shits Out Of His Head

Conservatives have begun their push to pretend as if George Bush was not a horrible president. For them, it is personal. They voted for the guy, so the finger will always be pointed at their stupid heads. This causes them to look intensely at the Bush presidency and try to spin the utter failure into win. It’s actually quite amusing to witness. And it’s working a bit. Bush’s approval ratings have shot up to a spectacular 34% on the back of an increase in Republican approval. A retarded 74% of Republicans now approve of the job Bush has done. Amazing. This week Fred Barnes broke down the awesomeness of Bush in the Weekly Standard.

He deserves better. His presidency was far more successful than not. And there's an aspect of his decision-making that merits special recognition: his courage.



Yep. The guy who went AWOL during Vietnam has bucket loads full of courage. Bush has never done anything courageous in his life. He is a pampered rich boy who failed his way to the presidency. He is the ultimate example of everything that is wrong with America. Stupidity and arrogance crammed into the body of an old, drunk frat boy.

Barnes then launches into Bush’s “Ten greatest achievements.”

Bush had ten great achievements (and maybe more) in his eight years in the White House, starting with his decision in 2001 to jettison the Kyoto global warming treaty so loved by Al Gore, the environmental lobby, elite opinion, and Europeans.



I love how the right wing has turned knowledge and facts into “elite opinion.” It’s a great way to dismiss all facts.


    Human: Hey, the Earth's surface is mostly water.

    Idiot: Pfffft. According to your “elite opinion.”

    Human: No, it's a fact.

    Idiot: Nope!

    Human: I don’t know what’s happening

    Idiot: I win!



The failure to sign Kyoto was the beginning of our downfall with much of the world. It was the ultimate example of the gluttony and selfishness of America. If you don’t believe in global warming, you’re an idiot. There is no reason to even talk to you about it. You are just a fucking moron and should be treated with derision. You are unworthy of debate, or even eye contact.

He slowed the movement toward a policy blunder of worldwide impact, providing time for facts to catch up with the dubious claims of alarmists. Thanks in part to Bush, the supposed consensus of scientists on global warming has now collapsed. The skeptics, who point to global cooling over the past decade, are now heard loud and clear. And a rational approach to the theory of manmade global warming is possible.



Not one word in that paragraph is true. Not one word. And we shouldn’t engage them, because then we are playing their ridiculous game.

And, lying is a great way to start out an article about Bush’s achievements.

Second, enhanced interrogation of terrorists. Along with use of secret prisons and wireless eavesdropping, this saved American lives. How many thousands of lives? We'll never know. But, as Charles Krauthammer said recently, "Those are precisely the elements which kept us safe and which have prevented a second attack."



Why is Bush awesome? Because he’s a war criminal. Seriously, that’s what this asshole just wrote. He’s praising torture and yet, he didn’t put down his pen and punch himself in the face afterwards. I know this because there is a number 3.

Bush's third achievement was the rebuilding of presidential authority, badly degraded in the era of Vietnam, Watergate, and Bill Clinton. He didn't hesitate to conduct wireless surveillance of terrorists without getting a federal judge's okay. He decided on his own how to treat terrorists and where they should be imprisoned. Those were legitimate decisions for which the president, as commander in chief, should feel no need to apologize.



Here we go, more breaking of the law as an achievement. This is absolutely amazing. Conservatives may want to explain why they are anti-democracy at this point. The “rebuilding of presidential authority” has led to the destruction of our country. This philosophy is the heart of all our problems. The unitary executive theory is a profound distortion of our system of government and is everything the Founding Fathers were against. But here’s a conservative tool, holding it up as an achievement.

Achievement number four was Bush's unswerving support for Israel. Reagan was once deemed Israel's best friend in the White House. Now Bush can claim the title. He ostracized Yasser Arafat as an impediment to peace in the Middle East. This infuriated the anti-Israel forces in Europe, the Third World, and the United Nations, and was criticized by champions of the "peace process" here at home. Bush was right.



Hell, yes. And two wars in the past two years show how awesome that plan went. At this point, America is seriously damaged due to our relationship with Israel. It is one of the main reasons we are hated in many parts of the world –– and it’s completely unworth it. Religious fanatics like Bush support Israel because of the Bible end game and for no other reason. It’s a book. Get over it.

His fifth success was No Child Left Behind (NCLB), the education reform bill cosponsored by America's most prominent liberal Democratic senator Edward Kennedy. The teachers' unions, school boards, the education establishment, conservatives adamant about local control of schools –– they all loathed the measure and still do. It requires two things they ardently oppose, mandatory testing and accountability.



No Child Left Behind is a massive failure. Teacher after teacher has railed against the law, which forces schools to rely on high-stakes exams to boost scores to get money, instead of on pursuing a broader vision of education. The reason Barnes touts NCLB is because it is a conservative plan to destroy public education. The ultimate goal is to destabilize and defund public schools. So, kudos. And don’t worry about all those kids getting fucked during your “kill the public schools” transition period.

Sixth, Bush declared in his second inaugural address in 2005 that American foreign policy (at least his) would henceforth focus on promoting democracy around the world. This put him squarely in the Reagan camp, but he was lambasted as unrealistic, impractical, and a tool of wily neoconservatives. The new policy gave Bush credibility in pressing for democracy in the former Soviet republics and Middle East and in zinging various dictators and kleptocrats.



Look, we’re all adults. Can’t we act like it? America is the greatest supporter of brutal regimes in the world. We always have been, we always will be. Like your comments on global warming, when this remark comes out of your mouth, people should laugh at you. You are essentially a word clown. Read a bit about a guy named Musharraf of Pakistan and get back to me.

The seventh achievement is the Medicare prescription drug benefit, enacted in 2003. It's not only wildly popular; it has cost less than expected by triggering competition among drug companies. Conservatives have deep reservations about the program. But they shouldn't have been surprised. Bush advocated the drug benefit in the 2000 campaign. And if he hadn't acted, Democrats would have, with a much less attractive result.



Um. Bush fucked up so bad on Medicare that Kucinich included it in his articles of impeachment.

ARTICLE XXX
MISLEADING CONGRESS AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE IN AN ATTEMPT TO DESTROY MEDICARE

…pursued policies which deliberately drained the fiscal resources of Medicare by forcing it to compete with subsidized private insurance plans which are allowed to arbitrarily select or not select those they will cover; failing to provide reasonable levels of reimbursements to Medicare providers, thereby discouraging providers from participating in the program, and designing a Medicare Part D benefit without cost controls which allowed pharmaceutical companies to gouge the American taxpayers for the price of prescription drugs.

The President created, manipulated, and disseminated information given to the citizens and Congress of the United States in support of his prescription drug plan for Medicare that enriched drug companies while failing to save beneficiaries sufficient money on their prescription drugs. He misled Congress and the American people into thinking the cost of the benefit was $400 billion. It was widely understood that if the cost exceeded that amount, the bill would not pass due to concerns about fiscal irresponsibility.



But, yeah, other than all that, nice work on Medicare. Like NCLB, Barnes touts this as an “achievement” because it is designed to destroy Medicare from within.

Then there were John Roberts and Sam Alito. In putting them on the Supreme Court and naming Roberts chief justice, Bush achieved what had eluded Richard Nixon, Reagan, and his own father. Roberts and Alito made the Court indisputably more conservative. And the good news is Roberts, 53, and Alito, 58, should be justices for decades to come.



Well, that’s an achievement if you love big business and hate the workingman and the separation of church and state. I can’t really say much about this because I fault Democrats for letting the shocking ideologues into the Supreme Court. Barnes is actually right on this one. They should be proud of their boy here.

Bush's ninth achievement has been widely ignored. He strengthened relations with East Asian democracies (Japan, South Korea, Australia) without causing a rift with China. On top of that, he forged strong ties with India. An important factor was their common enemy, Islamic jihadists. After 9/11, Bush made the most of this, and Indian leaders were receptive. His state dinner for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in 2006 was a lovefest.



First up, thanks for strengthening our relationship with Japan. We were seriously worried about that. But more importantly, if #9 on your list is strengthening relations with our friends, you are a shocking failure.

Finally, a no-brainer: the surge.



Hup, ho, hold the fuck up. He had to surge because he FUCKING BLEW IT. The war was run horribly. Look, if I miss the toilet and shit all over the floor, I don’t get credit for cleaning up the shit. So, stop it. It makes you look stupid.

Best of all, the surge worked. Iraq is now a fragile but functioning democracy.



I just missed the toilet and shit all over the floor.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. He currently has rather wet and soiled shoes. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.


 

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Comments
Skydrol

skydrol

Canada
February 2005

JAN 15, 2009 07:24 AM


I just missed the toilet and shit all over the floor.



Now that made me laugh biggrin

Stiles

Stiles

Oakland, CA
November 2002

JAN 15, 2009 07:27 AM

So, Barnes trots out a litany of failure which he touts as successes.

Can't say I'm surprised, the GOP's effort to re-write history has been working at a fever pitch for some time now.

Twelve

Twelve

Bay City, MI
April 2007

JAN 15, 2009 07:59 AM

Wow. Blinders much?

Katieesq

Katieesq

USA
June 2008

JAN 15, 2009 08:19 AM

Wow...

GrayRains

GrayRains

Twin Lake, MI
January 2008

JAN 15, 2009 08:33 AM

Stiles said:
So, Barnes trots out a litany of failure which he touts as successes.

Can't say I'm surprised, the GOP's effort to re-write history has been working at a fever pitch for some time now.



Best part is there are enough Americans too stupid to bother to see how false it all is. They just go "oh wow Dubya is great" and take this kind of crap as fact.

God Bless America!

ArtificialJoy

ArtificialJoy

Edmonton, AB
September 2003

JAN 15, 2009 08:52 AM

Stiles said:
So, Barnes trots out a litany of failure which he touts as successes.

Can't say I'm surprised, the GOP's effort to re-write history has been working at a fever pitch for some time now.



This pretty much started the day Bush dismissed his critics with "I'll let the history books judge me"

mydogfarted

mydogfarted

Oakland, NJ
June 2003

JAN 15, 2009 09:01 AM

I believe this is one of those occasions where I have to remember that freedom of speech applies to people saying things that infuriate me. Fuck.

Pom_felo

Pom_felo

San Antonio, TX
February 2004

JAN 15, 2009 09:46 AM

Oh god, they are going to try to Ronald Reagan , aren't they? The right will deify Bush, put him on the ten dollar bill, and name every fucking building from Texas to North Dakota after him.

Katieesq

Katieesq

USA
June 2008

JAN 15, 2009 09:48 AM

pomfelo said:
Oh god, they are going to try to Ronald Reagan , aren't they? The right will deify Bush, put him on the ten dollar bill, and name every fucking building from Texas to North Dakota after him.



But will it take? I don't think so. Even the enigmatic Republican spin machine can't turn around his horrendous approval ratings and the bitterness of two wars.

ChrisSick

ChrisSick

Philadelphia, PA
March 2008

JAN 15, 2009 09:48 AM

ArtificialJoy said:

Stiles said:
So, Barnes trots out a litany of failure which he touts as successes.

Can't say I'm surprised, the GOP's effort to re-write history has been working at a fever pitch for some time now.



This pretty much started the day Bush dismissed his critics with "I'll let the history books judge me"



By which he apparently meant partisan hacks appearing in blatantly biased media sources and rarely, if ever, challenged on their ridiculous assertions.

Seriously, when you start your list of great accomplishments with pulling out of the Kyoto Protocol, one would think you could only go up for there. Way to prove me wrong, Barnes.

GrayRains

GrayRains

Twin Lake, MI
January 2008

JAN 15, 2009 09:57 AM

Katieesq said:

pomfelo said:
Oh god, they are going to try to Ronald Reagan , aren't they? The right will deify Bush, put him on the ten dollar bill, and name every fucking building from Texas to North Dakota after him.



But will it take? I don't think so. Even the enigmatic Republican spin machine can't turn around his horrendous approval ratings and the bitterness of two wars.



It's already working in some places. Did you know a street in Kosovo was named after him?

Jace

Jace

San Francisco, CA
February 2004

JAN 15, 2009 10:04 AM

Surge surge surge! Surge surge, surge surge surge surge surge. Surge surge. Surge. Surge surge surge, surge surge, surge surge surge surge surge.

What? Oh, sorry. I thought we were playing a game.

d20

d20

San Francisco, CA
September 2003

JAN 15, 2009 10:37 AM

FearTheReaper said:
If you don’t believe in global warming, you’re an idiot. There is no reason to even talk to you about it. You are just a fucking moron and should be treated with derision. You are unworthy of debate, or even eye contact.



One minor quibble: You don't have to believe in something that's real. It's just there.

A more accurate statement would have been "If you are a total fucking mental failure and actively work to deny something supported by objective science."

SaucisseDanseuse

SaucisseDanseuse

Italy
March 2005

JAN 15, 2009 02:33 PM

wow, Barnes' hatred for "the europe" is so... unintelligible, i guess. he keeps taking shots, being proud of how Bush managed to piss of European countries in mamny occasions.

His whole article would work if it was a big satire with massive doses of sarcasm. Like in this line:


Second, enhanced interrogation of terrorists. Along with use of secret prisons and wireless eavesdropping, this saved American lives.



with a palin-link *wink* at the end, this would have great comic effect.
but when pronounced seriously... well, it makes you an ignorant asshole.

elysianfielder

elysianfielder

Los Angeles, CA
March 2003

JAN 15, 2009 03:03 PM

It's worth noting that bullshit reason #9 (supposedly strengthening ties with our Asian allies) is worse than it appears. By giving India access to our nuclear technology and the go-ahead to build more weapons, we infuriated Pakistan (duh) and in so doing 1. undermined our efforts to root al Qaeda out of Pakistan, and 2. ratcheted the conflict between those two nations a few notches.

Four and a half more days...

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