Asshole Fuckface Roundup #79

Good Asshole Fuckface morning to you! It’s the day our Lord Jesus Christ declared Asshole Fuckface Roundup day! You know, Asshole Fuckfacing is not something that happens all at once. It actually occurs over a period of time and builds, until it consumes you. That’s why we recommend you never start, not even recreationally on weekends. Asshole Fuckfacing is some dangerous shit and hard to control. One day someone says something horrible and the next thing they know, they are in a Target with their dick out covered in baby’s blood. So, watch yourself. This week, I am delivering unto you another collection of the worst people alive. So, put on your most moist proof car cover because this is going to be ugly.

First up, a repeat Asshole Fuckface offender.

It seems like just last week that Bobby Rush was in the Roundup because he compared the criticism of the appointment of Roland Burris to lynching. He actually did that before there was even any criticism, which as quite odd. But Bobby couldn’t stop there. Oh, hell no.

This week he was on the Hardball, and sweet Jesus did he fucking hardball.



What up, national embarrassment? Please keep talking, you totally do not appear to be insane.

RUSH: It reminded me of the dogs being sicced on children in Birmingham, Alabama. That’s what it reminded me of.

You are a shocking and horrible Asshole Fuckface. Not only are you a Fuckface for pretending like the Burris criticism is about race, but you also just trivialized one of the ugliest periods in American history. You are throwing around the dog attacks in Alabama in order to guilt white politicians into accepting a rather lame politician into the Senate. It would be disgusting coming from a white man, but from a black man it’s almost beyond words.

Although, I do think racism is “as American as apple pie.”

Next up, some seriously bad father Asshole Fuckfacing.

Meet Danny Platt. He’s a 22-year-old man who lives in the still ruined city of New Orleans. Danny’s a father. Well, sort of. He was recently ordered to pay $4000 in child support, even though he actually doesn’t spend much time with the kid. That’s how the law works.

On Friday around 8:30 p.m., Platt called the boy’s mother, asking to spend the weekend with Ja'Shawn, she said. He picked up the toddler shortly thereafter.

Well, that’s nice. They are finally connecting. Maybe that court order made him realize he should spend time with his son. Oh, wait, this is the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

Detectives escorted Danny Platt, 22, into jail Saturday evening and booked him with first-degree murder in the death of his son, Ja'Shawn Powell, less than 24 hours earlier.

His hands cuffed behind his back, his head hanging low, his eyes red and wet, Platt said, "I'm sorry about killing my baby."

Oh, yeah. You say that like it was an accident. I mean, you only killed him because you thought it would get you out of paying child support. Four thousand whole dollars. Who hasn’t done that?

"This incident and the manner in which he killed his child was extremely hideous," Riley said, wondering aloud how someone could use murder as a remedy for paying child support.

"There are some sick individuals in this society, and this gentleman is clearly one," he said.

Oh, I’d say he’s worse that that. Maybe the worst Asshole Fuckface of all time. I'm not a big fan of the Death Penalty, but go right ahead.

Next up, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it didn’t take long for the Democrats to start acting like a bunch of children. Naturally, it was Dianne Feinstein who took the first jump into lake Asshole Fuckface. She is basically just a Republican who has a D next to her name.

Dianne is the chair the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and she no likey Obama’s pick to head the CIA.

“I was not informed about the selection of Leon Panetta to be the CIA Director. I know nothing about this, other than what I’ve read,” said Senator Feinstein, who will chair the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence in the 111th Congress.

“My position has consistently been that I believe the Agency is best-served by having an intelligence professional in charge at this time.”

Actually, your position is best served by shutting the fuck up and keeping your problems with the new Democratic president in house, you corrupt demon.

Then came John “I’m from one of the worst families in the history of America” Rockefeller.

A second top Democrat, Senator John D. Rockefeller IV of West Virginia, the departing chairman of the Intelligence Committee, shares Ms. Feinstein’s concerns, Democratic Congressional aides said.

Now, you are probably saying, “Why all the hubbub?” They are just speaking their minds. No, they are not; they are pro-torture douchebags who are trying to cover their ass. Their oversight of Bush’s crimes was non-existent. They came down on the wrong side on Iraq, torture and warrantless wiretapping. They are the problem.

What is really disgusting about Rockefeller and Feinstein going public with their disagreement is that they spent eight years cheering every piece of shit appointee Bush made. OH, and they were both very pro-torture and domestic spying. And Panetta is very against torture and has been outspoken about it.

So, now that Obama is appointing someone who is strongly against torture, they throw a shit fit. Fuck them. They are criminals. Literally. Rockefeller, Feinstein and all the other Asshole Fuckfaces who supported the Bush torture regime are criminals.

Finally, some right wing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Why can’t Joe the Plumber just go back to the moron hole he crawled out of? The right wing won’t let this shockingly uniformed idiot just go away. This week it was announced Pajamas Media had hired Joe to be a journalist. What will he report on? Well, obviously one of the most complex situations in the world: The Israeli-Palestinian Battle.

"I get to go over there and let their 'Average Joes' share their story, what they think, how they feel, especially with world opinion, maybe get a real story out there," [Wurzelbacher] said.

Well, what this situation needs more than anything is an idiot’s take. I mean, Joe has such a strong grasp of the entire conflict. He's going to get a "real story out there." Because the media hasn't been doing what Joe the Plumber can. He's got an everyday common man thing going on that Israelis and Palestinians will relate to on a level journalists can't understand. Like when a dog sniffs another dog's ass in the park, it knows it's met one of its own.

"If given the opportunity to do some good however minute it may be, or could be something really good, you gotta take that chance. You have to do it."

You should jump in front of a missile, or something. I kid. You are actually everything that is wrong with Americans.

"Being a Christian I'm pretty well protected by God I believe."

Holy fucking shit. How stupid can one man get? Yes, Joe, Christians don’t die. God protects them. Now run your ass into Gaza and see how that works out.



Let's just pray that Joe sees what war is actually all about and returns with deep, psychological scars that never heal.


Image by CCL courtesy of ronnie44052.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

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