Asshole Fuckface Roundup #77
Saturday. This is the day the Lord set aside for good people, like myself, to point out and mock horrible people, like Steve Guttenberg. In churches and other holy sites, it is known as Asshole Fuckface Roundup day. In a perfect world, there are no Asshole Fuckfaces and the movie Twilight was never made, but the world is not perfect, so I must do what I must do. I spend the week scouring the news for the worst of the worst and then I drag them into the light for all to see. This week was a gloriously shocking week for Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put wrap yourself in your couch slipcover because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some new president Asshole Fuckfacery.
Well, it didnt take Barack Obama long to make the Roundup, did it? This week Obama thought it would be a great idea to choose Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Super.
Rick Warren is just one of many hateful, horrible pastors who preach ignorance and stupidity on a daily basis. Warren is from the Saddleback mega church in Orange County, California. He strongly supported Prop 8, is against stem cell research, compares abortion to the Holocaust, he just gave George W. Bush an International Medal of P.E.A.C.E. and has compared gay marriage to pedophilia, polygamy and incest.
Gay people are told they are not welcome at his church on his website.
There is no excuse for Obama picking this Asshole Fuckface to give the invocation. I know, hes reaching out to people. Specifically, hes reaching out to hateful douchebags. But Obama says Rick Warren invited him to speak at Saddleback in August, so why not have Warren speak at the inauguration? I mean, a church and America are totally the same thing. And spitting in the face of a few million supporters can only help, right?
Nevertheless, I had an opportunity to speak, and that dialog, I think, is a part of what my campaign's been all about, that we're never going to agree on every single issue. What we have to do is create an atmosphere where we can disagree without being disagreeable, and then focus on those things that we hold in common as Americans. So Rick Warren has been invited to speak, Dr. Joseph Lowery Ñ who has deeply contrasting views to Rick Warren about a whole host of issues Ñ is also speaking.
Hey, lets also make sure to invite some anti-Semites and racists to take part in the inauguration. I mean, we need to agree to disagree about you being less than human, do we not Barack?
And for those of you morons thinking I feel betrayed by Barack Obama, you couldnt be more off. This is why I didnt support him strongly. He is far from a liberal. But compared to John McCain, hes the greatest president of all time. But John McCain would have also invited Rick Warren to give the invocation, so whos to say?
Next up, some judicial Asshole Fuckfacery.
Have you heard of the splendid Asshole Fuckface Bernard Madoff? He was the mastermind behind a massive fraud scheme, one of the biggest in history.
Madoff told senior employees of his firm on Wednesday that "it's all just one big lie" and that it was "basically, a giant Ponzi scheme," with estimated investor losses of about $50 billion, according to the U.S. Attorney's criminal complaint against him.
On Thursday, Asshole Fuckface US Magistrate Judge Gabriel Gorenstein put Madoff under house arrest. Exactly how much money does one have to steal before they are placed in jail without bail? Maybe its $100 billion.
The couple appeared in court yesterday to sign documents to give up homes in Montauk, New York, and Palm Beach, Florida, if Bernard Madoff flees. His bail hearing was postponed a second time in as many days, and he is now subject to electronic monitoring and a 7 p.m. curfew.
Oh, no. Not the houses in Montauk and Palm Beach! Why so cruel? And a 7 p.m. curfew? Why not just kill the man? Can you imagine being trapped in your penthouse around dinner time every night? Its so horrible, I can barely read it.
This is a splendid example of everything that is wrong with our country.
Next up, some horrible corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.
In 2007, Misty Ann Weaver realized she was in a bit of a spot. Weaver was a nurse for a plastic surgeon and she had not completed some paperwork in a timely fashion. So, she took most obvious course of action: She set a fire.
Weaver admitted she set the fire to hide that she had not completed some paperwork on time for her boss, a cosmetic surgeon, and feared she might lose her job.
The entire office building sort of caught on fire and three people died of smoke inhalation. Did you notice they didnt die from the hot, hot flames? Nope, they died from smoke. So, obviously, the insurance company shouldnt have to pay, because, you know, smoke from a fire is now pollution.
An insurance company with a potential $25 million liability from a 2007 Houston office fire is claiming smoke that killed three people was "pollution" and surviving families shouldn't be compensated for their losses since the deaths were not caused directly by the actual flames.
Great American Insurance Company is arguing in a Houston federal court that the section of the insurance policy that excludes payments for pollution Ñ like discharges or seepage that require cleanup Ñ would also exclude payouts for damages, including deaths, caused by smoke, or pollution, that results from a fire.
Creative! And very Asshole Fuckfacish! The only pollution I see around here is the insurance company. Comedy! BAM! POW! SOCK! WHAM!
Finally, some awesome child rearing Asshole Fuckfacery.
I, FearTheReaper, will be a father in May. I plan on calling my child Dangerous Top Reaper, because I want him to have a great future. My thought process is similar to that of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who gave their children wonderful futures by naming them JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.
I totally get Adolf and Aryan Nation, but Honzlynn Hinler? Seriously? What nickname do you go with? Honz? Wrong. Just wrong.
The childrens names came to the national medias attention because the local Shop Rite wouldnt make a birthday cake for Adolph Hitler.
"ShopRite can't even make a cake for a 3-year-old," said Deborah Campbell, 25, who is Heath's wife of three years and the mother of the children. "That's sad."
Hmmm. You are sort of missing something there. Although, the Campbells seem totally reasonable.
They say they aren't racists but believe races shouldn't mix.
Good luck poking a hole in that argument.
The Campbells said they wanted their children to have unique names and didn't expect the names to cause problems.
It is a bit shocking. When you name your child after a man who killed 6 million people, you dont expect all the hubbub.
Despite the cake refusal, the Campbells said they don't expect the names to cause problems later, such as when the children start school.
Um.
Heath Campbell said some people like the names but others are shocked to hear them. "They say, 'He (Hitler) killed all those people.' I say, 'You're living in the wrong decade. That Hitler's gone,'" he said.
No shit, bro. Hitler was so 1940s. Also, you named your son after HITLER.
"They're just names, you know," he said. "Yeah, they (Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They're not going to grow up like that."
"Other kids get their cake. I get a hard time," he said. "It's not fair to my children.
Exactly, its not fair to your children. Ahem.
Waiting.
Not fair. Children. Name.
Anything?
Hello?
"How can a name be offensive?" he asked.
Go ask Rapey McGee. His life has been a bitch.
Disabilities, the couple says, have left both out of work: Heath Campbell can't landscape or pump gas because he has emphysema, and Deborah can't waitress because she has a bad back. They live on Social Security payments.
Of course. Hitler would be so proud. Wait, maybe he is.
In the foyer, Heath Campbell, who said he has German ancestry and a relative who fought for the SS, took off boots he said were worn by a Nazi solider named Daniel.
Oh, God, make it stop.
He said Adolf Hitler, Aryan Nation and Hinler would be able to make their own decisions about race.
Well, sure. I'm not seeing anything to make me think otherwise.
And no worries, Wal-Mart made the cake.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
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