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  • SATURDAY DECEMBER 20 2008 6:00 AM

Asshole Fuckface Roundup #77

Saturday. This is the day the Lord set aside for good people, like myself, to point out and mock horrible people, like Steve Guttenberg. In churches and other holy sites, it is known as Asshole Fuckface Roundup day. In a perfect world, there are no Asshole Fuckfaces and the movie Twilight was never made, but the world is not perfect, so I must do what I must do. I spend the week scouring the news for the worst of the worst and then I drag them into the light for all to see. This week was a gloriously shocking week for Asshole Fuckfacery. So, put wrap yourself in your couch slipcover because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some new president Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it didn’t take Barack Obama long to make the Roundup, did it? This week Obama thought it would be a great idea to choose Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration. Super.

Rick Warren is just one of many hateful, horrible pastors who preach ignorance and stupidity on a daily basis. Warren is from the Saddleback mega church in Orange County, California. He strongly supported Prop 8, is against stem cell research, compares abortion to the Holocaust, he just gave George W. Bush an “International Medal of P.E.A.C.E.” and has compared gay marriage to pedophilia, polygamy and incest.

Gay people are told they are not welcome at his church on his website.



There is no excuse for Obama picking this Asshole Fuckface to give the invocation. I know, he’s reaching out to people. Specifically, he’s reaching out to hateful douchebags. But Obama says Rick Warren invited him to speak at Saddleback in August, so why not have Warren speak at the inauguration? I mean, a church and America are totally the same thing. And spitting in the face of a few million supporters can only help, right?

Nevertheless, I had an opportunity to speak, and that dialog, I think, is a part of what my campaign's been all about, that we're never going to agree on every single issue. What we have to do is create an atmosphere where we can disagree without being disagreeable, and then focus on those things that we hold in common as Americans. So Rick Warren has been invited to speak, Dr. Joseph Lowery Ñ who has deeply contrasting views to Rick Warren about a whole host of issues Ñ is also speaking.



Hey, let’s also make sure to invite some anti-Semites and racists to take part in the inauguration. I mean, we need to agree to disagree about you being less than human, do we not Barack?

And for those of you morons thinking I feel betrayed by Barack Obama, you couldn’t be more off. This is why I didn’t support him strongly. He is far from a liberal. But compared to John McCain, he’s the greatest president of all time. But John McCain would have also invited Rick Warren to give the invocation, so who’s to say?

Next up, some judicial Asshole Fuckfacery.

Have you heard of the splendid Asshole Fuckface Bernard Madoff? He was the mastermind behind a massive fraud scheme, one of the biggest in history.

Madoff told senior employees of his firm on Wednesday that "it's all just one big lie" and that it was "basically, a giant Ponzi scheme," with estimated investor losses of about $50 billion, according to the U.S. Attorney's criminal complaint against him.



On Thursday, Asshole Fuckface US Magistrate Judge Gabriel Gorenstein put Madoff under house arrest. Exactly how much money does one have to steal before they are placed in jail without bail? Maybe it’s $100 billion.

The couple appeared in court yesterday to sign documents to give up homes in Montauk, New York, and Palm Beach, Florida, if Bernard Madoff flees. His bail hearing was postponed a second time in as many days, and he is now subject to electronic monitoring and a 7 p.m. curfew.



Oh, no. Not the houses in Montauk and Palm Beach! Why so cruel? And a 7 p.m. curfew? Why not just kill the man? Can you imagine being trapped in your penthouse around dinner time every night? It’s so horrible, I can barely read it.

This is a splendid example of everything that is wrong with our country.

Next up, some horrible corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

In 2007, Misty Ann Weaver realized she was in a bit of a spot. Weaver was a nurse for a plastic surgeon and she had not completed some paperwork in a timely fashion. So, she took most obvious course of action: She set a fire.

Weaver admitted she set the fire to hide that she had not completed some paperwork on time for her boss, a cosmetic surgeon, and feared she might lose her job.



The entire office building sort of caught on fire and three people died of smoke inhalation. Did you notice they didn’t die from the hot, hot flames? Nope, they died from smoke. So, obviously, the insurance company shouldn’t have to pay, because, you know, smoke from a fire is now “pollution.”

An insurance company with a potential $25 million liability from a 2007 Houston office fire is claiming smoke that killed three people was "pollution" and surviving families shouldn't be compensated for their losses since the deaths were not caused directly by the actual flames.

Great American Insurance Company is arguing in a Houston federal court that the section of the insurance policy that excludes payments for pollution Ñ like discharges or seepage that require cleanup Ñ would also exclude payouts for damages, including deaths, caused by smoke, or pollution, that results from a fire.



Creative! And very Asshole Fuckfacish! The only pollution I see around here is the insurance company. Comedy! BAM! POW! SOCK! WHAM!

Finally, some awesome child rearing Asshole Fuckfacery.

I, FearTheReaper, will be a father in May. I plan on calling my child Dangerous Top Reaper, because I want him to have a great future. My thought process is similar to that of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who gave their children wonderful futures by naming them JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell and Adolf Hitler Campbell.

I totally get Adolf and Aryan Nation, but Honzlynn Hinler? Seriously? What nickname do you go with? Honz? Wrong. Just wrong.

The children’s names came to the national media’s attention because the local Shop Rite wouldn’t make a birthday cake for Adolph Hitler.

"ShopRite can't even make a cake for a 3-year-old," said Deborah Campbell, 25, who is Heath's wife of three years and the mother of the children. "That's sad."



Hmmm. You are sort of missing something there. Although, the Campbell’s seem totally reasonable.

They say they aren't racists but believe races shouldn't mix.



Good luck poking a hole in that argument.

The Campbell’s said they wanted their children to have unique names and didn't expect the names to cause problems.



It is a bit shocking. When you name your child after a man who killed 6 million people, you don’t expect all the hubbub.

Despite the cake refusal, the Campbell’s said they don't expect the names to cause problems later, such as when the children start school.



Um.

Heath Campbell said some people like the names but others are shocked to hear them. "They say, 'He (Hitler) killed all those people.' I say, 'You're living in the wrong decade. That Hitler's gone,'" he said.



No shit, bro. Hitler was so 1940s. Also, you named your son after HITLER.

"They're just names, you know," he said. "Yeah, they (Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They're not going to grow up like that."

"Other kids get their cake. I get a hard time," he said. "It's not fair to my children.”



Exactly, it’s not fair to your children. Ahem.

Waiting.

Not fair. Children. Name.

Anything?

Hello?

"How can a name be offensive?" he asked.



Go ask Rapey McGee. His life has been a bitch.

Disabilities, the couple says, have left both out of work: Heath Campbell can't landscape or pump gas because he has emphysema, and Deborah can't waitress because she has a bad back. They live on Social Security payments.



Of course. Hitler would be so proud. Wait, maybe he is.

In the foyer, Heath Campbell, who said he has German ancestry and a relative who fought for the SS, took off boots he said were worn by a Nazi solider named Daniel.



Oh, God, make it stop.

He said Adolf Hitler, Aryan Nation and Hinler would be able to make their own decisions about race.



Well, sure. I'm not seeing anything to make me think otherwise.

And no worries, Wal-Mart made the cake.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

 

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Comments
RandomNerd

RandomNerd

Albany, NY
January 2005

DEC 20, 2008 06:11 AM

I'm surprised Bush didn't make it onto the list this week.
I'm not surprised by Obama's decision.
And there's a discussion of the Campbell famliy here.

Hooraydiation

Hooraydiation

Boston, MA
October 2005

DEC 20, 2008 06:53 AM

I'm worried about Warren too. Given his views, I wouldn't put it past him to intentionally sabotage the invocation by replacing the part about asking God for peace and prosperity with a demand that he smite all the homosexuals in the audience. Afterwards, his buddy God will turn Obama into a pillar of salt and flood the world for forty days and forty nights, just because he hates parties.

Or perhaps the invocation is a meaningless ceremony that affords no real power, divine or otherwise. Perhaps Warren was given the chance to deliver it simply to show that the conservative voice will not be completely shut out of White House during an Obama administration, especially when figures such as Warren can be counted on to lend their support to causes such as the fight against AIDs.

But hey, maybe snubbing dudes who disagree with you is just more important than working together to further shared charitable causes. Just remember that for every liberal whining about Warren appearing at the inauguration, there's a conservative doing the same damn thing.

Course, if you'd read those articles first, you'd probably be ragging on the far right about their own willingness to place their values above working towards a common good. Instead you're agreeing with them from a different angle, and that's just as bad.

RandomNerd

RandomNerd

Albany, NY
January 2005

DEC 20, 2008 07:08 AM

There's a difference between disagreement and being wrong.
Rick Warren is wrong.

Hooraydiation

Hooraydiation

Boston, MA
October 2005

DEC 20, 2008 07:16 AM

RandomNerd said:
I disagree. This isn't about Tariffs, or who's in charge of the department of the interior, this is about gay-bashing.
Rick Warren is a gay-basher, and he's wrong.



Giving Rick Warren the invocation isn't an endorsement of his homophobic views. This was made very clear again and again.

Are you saying that it isn't enough to denounce that? That everyone who dislikes homosexuals shouldn't be allowed near the White House, even if their presence is strictly ceremonial and promises to have no effect on anything at all? That we should snub them all, even if that threatens to make them less likely to support us when we need their support?

If so, then congratulation on being on the right side of social issues, but on the wrong side of how to conduct yourself in a position of power.

RandomNerd

RandomNerd

Albany, NY
January 2005

DEC 20, 2008 07:19 AM

Hooraydiation said:

RandomNerd said:
I disagree. This isn't about Tariffs, or who's in charge of the department of the interior, this is about gay-bashing.
Rick Warren is a gay-basher, and he's wrong.



Giving Rick Warren the invocation isn't an endorsement of his homophobic views. This was made very clear again and again.

Are you saying that it isn't enough to denounce that? That everyone who dislikes homosexuals shouldn't be allowed near the White House, even if their presence is strictly ceremonial and promises to have no effect on anything at all? That we should snub them all, even if that threatens to make them less likely to support us when we need their support?

If so, then congratulation on being on the right side of social issues, but on the wrong side of how to conduct yourself in a position of power.



Listening to what religious people have to say in any capacity has run this country into the ground.

So yes, I don't want any preachers around the White House. Nor any homophobes. I'm sure there are intelligent policy-makers around who don't hold such shit-headed views.

And don't condescend to me. I am aware that politics are about compromise, the same sort of compromise the GOP hoped to establish with a "Permanent Majority". Fuck 'em, the shoe's on the other foot now, I don't expect Obama to turn this country into some kind of Utopia -I don't know what's good for everyone- but having conservatives around will only impede him.

(Edited to change "People" to "Policy-Makers")

Hooraydiation

Hooraydiation

Boston, MA
October 2005

DEC 20, 2008 07:28 AM

Eh, whatever.

RandomNerd

RandomNerd

Albany, NY
January 2005

DEC 20, 2008 07:33 AM

Hooraydiation said:
You realize that shutting out differing political views is one of the chief elements of fascism, right?



Excuse me?

The Conservatives have to be shut out, just to put the country on an even keel.

I was a young republican when I was younger, I understood the opposing views so well I had to vote Kerry in 2004.

Mankarlen

Mankarlen

Columbia City, OR
June 2006

DEC 20, 2008 08:07 AM

On one side we extreme liberalism that wishes anarchy to extreme conservatism that leads to repression such as in Iraq and Iran. So ones beliefs can be wrong on both sides of the issues. If one is religious does not make there moral code wrong nor just because one choses not to believe in a god make them good people. At the same time just because one professes a belief in god behaves in a moral manner. So the trick is then to live in the midddle area somewhere that, one does not like amoral behavior yet does not hate the persons that practice it.For example there are many that feel abortions are wrong yet feel it it is just as morally wrong to bomb a clinic and kill people over the issue. Or some one that destroys logging equipment because they believe logging should stop is also morally wrong.

defaultx

defaultx

I'm lost
February 2006

DEC 20, 2008 08:45 AM

Memo to Barak : You won the fucking election . My are you kissing maniac holy rolling ass ?

Coyotemike

Coyotemike

USA
May 2006

DEC 20, 2008 09:17 AM

Mankarlen said:
On one side we extreme liberalism that wishes anarchy to extreme conservatism that leads to repression such as in Iraq and Iran. So ones beliefs can be wrong on both sides of the issues. If one is religious does not make there moral code wrong nor just because one choses not to believe in a god make them good people. At the same time just because one professes a belief in god behaves in a moral manner. So the trick is then to live in the midddle area somewhere that, one does not like amoral behavior yet does not hate the persons that practice it.For example there are many that feel abortions are wrong yet feel it it is just as morally wrong to bomb a clinic and kill people over the issue. Or some one that destroys logging equipment because they believe logging should stop is also morally wrong.



...tha fuck?

Katieesq

Katieesq

USA
June 2008

DEC 20, 2008 09:26 AM

Coyotemike said:

Mankarlen said:
On one side we extreme liberalism that wishes anarchy to extreme conservatism that leads to repression such as in Iraq and Iran. So ones beliefs can be wrong on both sides of the issues. If one is religious does not make there moral code wrong nor just because one choses not to believe in a god make them good people. At the same time just because one professes a belief in god behaves in a moral manner. So the trick is then to live in the midddle area somewhere that, one does not like amoral behavior yet does not hate the persons that practice it.For example there are many that feel abortions are wrong yet feel it it is just as morally wrong to bomb a clinic and kill people over the issue. Or some one that destroys logging equipment because they believe logging should stop is also morally wrong.



...tha fuck?



No child left behind, anyone?

ardour

ardour

Ottawa, ON
March 2006

DEC 20, 2008 09:30 AM

And don't condescend to me. I am aware that politics are about compromise, the same sort of compromise the GOP hoped to establish with a "Permanent Majority". Fuck 'em, the shoe's on the other foot now



I don't think that this is very logical thinking.

I don't expect Obama to turn this country into some kind of Utopia -I don't know what's good for everyone- but having conservatives around will only impede him.



But this is a good point too.

Overall I'm a big fan of compromise, but it's a slippery slope. This guy's too nuts for me.

mydogfarted

mydogfarted

Oakland, NJ
June 2003

DEC 20, 2008 09:45 AM

Great American Insurance has done some shitty things like this in the past... I need to do a little searching, but they are repeat offenders.

Weatherpunk

Weatherpunk

Japan
June 2008

DEC 20, 2008 10:08 AM

Barack Obama is going to be EVERYONE's president come Jan. 20th, not just the people who voted for him.

I know. I KNOW; you are even now screaming into the hoary frost outside: "He is a progressive Democrat! He should be as far away from Rick Warren as possible!!"

He is not asking permission to attend Saddleback Church. He is not asking Rick Warren to be his personal spiritual advisor. He is asking him LITERALLY to give a ceremonial blessing at the intro to his term in service. Given the preacher he had in the past, he could have done far worse. This is a symbolic gesture to those he couldn't reach during election to show that his is INDEED going to listen to the leaders on their side. He wants an "official" blessing to act in the interest of liberals & conservatives, so he is going to get his prayer on via a conservative preachers.

Would I have chosen Rev. Warren? More than likely not. Can I respect a "unifier" for actually taking flak by crossing the aisle? HELL YES.

This is what John McCain claimed he could/would do. We need to come together, America, not split apart. To those opposed to this selection on both sides, at least unite in your displeasure! wink "The enemy of my enemy IS my friend....." biggrin

gdarklighter

gdarklighter

San Diego, CA
August 2005

DEC 20, 2008 10:13 AM

Hooraydiation said:

RandomNerd said:
I disagree. This isn't about Tariffs, or who's in charge of the department of the interior, this is about gay-bashing.
Rick Warren is a gay-basher, and he's wrong.



Giving Rick Warren the invocation isn't an endorsement of his homophobic views. This was made very clear again and again.

Are you saying that it isn't enough to denounce that?


I don't think having the man speak in front of the largest inauguration crowd ever is a terribly strong denouncement.

That everyone who dislikes homosexuals shouldn't be allowed near the White House, even if their presence is strictly ceremonial and promises to have no effect on anything at all?


There's a difference between inviting someone to the White House and speaking at an event seen by millions.

That we should snub them all, even if that threatens to make them less likely to support us when we need their support?


You think anybody on the right would have noticed had Obama picked a pastor who just didn't have much to say on the issue?

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