Asshole Fuckface Roundup #76
Asshole Fuckfacing had a good week. The greats of Asshole Fuckfacery would be very, very proud of all the horrible shit that went down. Some weeks I have to scour the news to find the appropriate acts deemed worthy of a spot in the Roundup. But not this week. It was raining Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your favorite animal pelt, because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some outgoing presidential Assholery Fuckacery.
Ah, the horrible George W. Bush. Remember the Endangered Species Act? Well, it has had its spine removed by Georgy.
The Bush administration on Thursday eliminated 35-year-old regulations in the Endangered Species Act that required an independent scientific review of proposed federal projects to determine whether they imperil protected plants and animals.
Instead, federal agencies undertaking projects like road and power plant construction or oil and gas drilling will make their own assessment. Without the independent reviews, such projects could be accelerated.
Wow. That sounds almost like there is no Endangered Species Act anymore.
As part of the changes announced by Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne in the final days of the Bush administration, the department finalized an interim rule that allows oil and gas drilling in polar bear habitat off Alaska's coast. The rule change is designed to prevent the Endangered Species Act from being used to regulate greenhouse gas emissions, essentially making climate change policy.
Yes! Look to the future. Oil! No animals! Thats some forward thinking.
Kiss the polar beat goodbye, bitches. Although, the polar bears totally deserve it for supporting Bush in 2000 AND 2004.
Next up, if I say Utah, you say Asshole Fuckface."
As far as gay hating goes, Utah is tops in the nation. They more prefer dudes marrying hundreds of women, instead. Currently, a whopping 14 out of 40 Utah school districts allow Gay Straight Alliance clubs. So, the gay kids in the other 26 districts have to pretend like they are not gay. A lawsuit recently forced Salt Lake City's East High School to allow a Gay Straight Alliance club. Something about federal equal protection laws or some shit. Basically, the courts love sodomy and hate Jesus. (Like me!)
Thankfully, there are Asshole Fuckfaces like State Senator Chris Buttars who see far deeper into state laws than most.
But Senator Chris Buttars cites state law in his argument to ban the clubs. He says there is a statute that limits clubs to protect students. In fact, he says clubs can be limited if they encourage certain conduct, or involve human sexuality.
Sen. Chris Buttars, (R) West Jordan: "If you're in a chess club, you're going to be talking about chess. If you're in a dance club you're going to be talking about dance. If you're in a gay club you're going to be talking about human sexuality, and that's illegal, in fact it's criminal."
Um. What? Dude. Free fucking cocksucking motherfucking assbanging speech. Just saying. I want to bend you over a couch and turn your anus into a basketball hoop, and Im totally within my rights to say it. Your balls? I want to gnaw on them until they become taffy. Your cock? No thanks.
And theres more religious Asshole Fuckfacery.
It turns out Pat Boone can do something worse than make music. He can also talk about politics, terrorism and homosexuality. He did just that in an awesome article on the delightful World Net Daily website.
Pretty rotten thing that happened in Mumbai, huh?
Oh, yes. Very rotten. Man, you really know how to assign the appropriate words to summon deep feelings within your reader. Pat then goes on to describe the death and terror Indians experienced at the hands of the terrorists. Then
Thank God, it couldn't happen here. Could it?
Look around. Watch your evening news. Read your newspaper.
Oh, Im scared, Pat. Look, we all know there are extremists out there who want to destroy our way of life. Al Qaeda is constantly making threats and Iran is not exactly averse to using terrorism.
Are you unaware of the raging demonstrations in our streets, in front of our churches and synagogues, even spilling into these places of worship, and many of these riots turning defamatory and violent? Have you not seen the angry distorted faces of the rioters, seen their derogatory and threatening placards and signs, heard their vows to overturn the democratically expressed views of voters, no matter what it costs
Wait. Now? This is happening now? Did I miss the news?
I refer to California's Proposition 8.
Oh, then youre an amazing Asshole Fuckface.
You haven't heard about the well-oiled campaign to find out the names of every voter and business that contributed as much as $1,000, or even much less, in support of Prop 8?
I have. In fact I support financially harming people who take away the rights of others.
You haven't heard about the announced plans to boycott, demonstrate, intimidate and threaten each one because they dared to vote to retain marriage as between one man and one woman?
Um. Do you remember the whole terrorism thingy you opened this article with? Do you know how horrible of a person you are to compare legal protests with the brutal murder of 200 people? Did you know that you are actually worse than the people you are now attacking? Did you know Jesus would have actually hated you? You would have been the one guy he would have looked at and said, I actually cant do anything for this guy.
The Constitution says nothing about marriage, and shouldn't.
Yeah, and black people arent whole people and women cant vote. Good argument. Seriously, go shit in your mouth.
Next up, down under Asshole Fuckfacery.
You know the opening scene in the Simpsons movie, in which Bart Simpson rides his skateboard naked? Dont bring that movie with you to Australia, because its now considered child porn.
No, seriously.
Some poor Australian guy was convicted in February of possessing child pornography and using his computer to access child pornography. Because he had pictures of cartoon characters naked.
The cartoons showed characters such as Bart, Lisa and Maggie Simpson having sex.
Uh. Okay, this just got weird. Not that Ive seen those drawings, but if I had
well, I havent.
The alleged pornography comprised a series of cartoons depicting figures modeled on members of the television animated series The Simpsons," the judge said.
"In my view, the magistrate was correct in determining that, in respect of both the commonwealth and the NSW offences, the word 'person' included fictional or imaginary characters. The mere fact that the figure depicted departed from a realistic representation in some respects of a human being did not mean that such a figure was not a 'person'."
Actually, thats exactly what it means. Drawings are not people. Please see Darwin. Australia is now officially more fucked up than the United States.
Finally, a little New York Asshole Fuckfacery.
Whats the best way to teach 7th graders about slavery? If you answered, Forcefully bind two black students together by their hands and feet, you are an Asshole Fuckface. But thats exactly what the teacher, Eileen Bernstein of Haverstraw Middle School, did. Yay, psychological damage!
The social studies teacher bound the hands and feet of two black girls -- only one of whom volunteered -- and had them crawl under a desk to illustrate the conditions on slave ships.
Because being on a slave ship and being under a desk are so similar.
"I thought she was insane," said Christine Shand, the mother of one of the girls. "I mean, in this day and age, you don't do stuff like that. There's other ways to demonstrate slavery."
Or, you know, you dont actually have to DEMONSTRATE IT. You could just teach with words and pictures and shit.
After a meeting with the NAACP, Bernstein still thought was a pretty good idea.
"She said she apologized for causing any problems for the child, but she was not apologizing for using that simulation during the class," Aldridge said.
School officials say its a personal issue, so they won tell if Bernstein will be punished or not.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
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