The Republican Party is floundering like a gay penis in a vagina. They really have no idea what to do. Some want to go more religious conservative, while others want to go more economic conservative. The choice is obvious if they want to have anything to do with running the country over the next 25 years. They have to move away from the religious nuts. The “I’m okay with destroying the world and the country because Jesus is coming in a couple of years” thing ain’t working. Next month, Republicans will pick their new RNC chair and that will tell us a lot about which way they want to go. I’m hoping for religious nutjob. Let’s take a look at the leading contenders.

Chip Saltsman

Who? He was the powerhouse, mind-man behind the amazing success of non-president Mike Huckabee. Saltsman is being given credit for running Huckabee’s campaign well. Um. Okay. The only reason Huckabee was even close is because he was the craziest religious nut in the race. All the mindless drones punched his ballot for the baby Jesus. But he did outlast Romney and Giuliani, or as they will be known on their new sitcom, The Mormon and Lispy, so he gets some sort of credit. Saltsman was also chairman of the Tennessee Republican Party. Yowza! And a political advisor for Bill Frist’s PAC, as well as development director and the National Republican Senatorial Committee. Wow. That’s an amazing resume of not much. This is whom I want to win. He’s a religious nut and quite inexperienced. Go Saltsman!

Jim Greer

Jimbo is the Florida Republican Party chairman, so he knows how to steal elections, which is a huge plus. After that, his resume is not as awesome. He served two terms on the city council of Oviedo, Florida. And you know the old saying, "As Oviedo goes, so goes America." Also, Oviedo sounds like a brand of soap, which I find to be very attractive. He is less conservative than most other candidates, so I assume he doesn’t have much of a chance. If Republicans go with Jimbo, they could actually regain some power.

Michael Steele

He’s black! Huge plus for Republicans. They really, really want to pretend like they care about black people and putting a black man in charge would do a lot to carry on the myth. Steele is the chairman of GOPAC, which is like the Republican minor leagues. The PAC recruits and helps Republicans get elected to state and local offices. Heard of Sarah Palin She’s a product of GOPAC. So, obviously Steele is a fucking genius. What he is, is a Republican talking point machine.

He chaired the Maryland GOP from 2000-2002 and was lieutenant governor of Maryland from 2002-2006. He then ran for the Senate and lost. Steele believes in a less attack oriented version of the RNC. He doesn’t believe in beating Democrats as much as winning voters. Steele also helped found the Republican Leadership Council.

The Christian Right is very, very opposed to Steele, so his nomination could also swing the RNC to the middle. But he is like any other Republican on all other issues. By that I mean, he is really fucking stupid.

Mike Duncan

He’s the current chairman and he was the big, black guy in The Green Mile. Right? No? If Republicans pick Duncan, it means they think all is well. Some want him, but I can’t see it happening. They are not that stupid, are they?

Katon Dawson

Get your Katon on! Dawson has been the South Carolina Republican Party chairman for 6 kick ass years. It is really hard to get Republicans elected in South Carolina, so he should be praised for his great record. Dude is amazingly good at fundraising, which Republicans totally love. Katon recently held a conference about getting Katon Dawson elected as RNC chairman and peeps from all over the country attended. He has worked hard to bring minorities into the Republican Party. The religious nuts are into him.

Great. Just let us know what the “roots” are, because I see McCarthyism and corruption. Katon is being attacked for being super white, which is weird, considering Republicans usually see that as a feather in the cap. Times are a changing. But in the end, Katon is more of the same.

That’s the failure recipe that brought Republicans to where they are today. Katon is my #2 choice.

Saul Anuzis

Saul has been running the Michigan Republican Party since 2005. Obviously he is flourishing, because Michigan is a huge red state, right? No? He’s a former Teamster. Seriously. Saul is a good PR man and is all about the Republican Party getting its technological shit together. He wants to implement a 50 state Howard Dean type of strategy and actually sounds rather smart.

But then you get to the religious part and, well, the train goes off the tracks.

I can’t believe a guy named Saul is a religious nut. Saul is a big time long shot because Michigan Republicans didn’t produce. But he’s the one who worries me the most.

What he brings to the table is his enthusiasm, his PR savvy, and his knowledge and understanding of why the party needs to change technologically. It would be great if the Republicans took their time getting around to the technology stuff.

Ken Blackwell is also in the running, but he has no chance. His name is too dirty after the 2004 Ohio elections — and he's an idiot.

So, there you go. Take your pick. There are only one or two who can turn the party around, the rest are idiots that bring more of the same.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.