- commentary
- SATURDAY DECEMBER 6 2008 6:00 AM
Asshole Fuckface Roundup #75
Submitted by FearTheReaper
Edited by nicole_powers
Tags: George W. Bush,
Well, well, look who came crawling back to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Last week, you screamed, "I can't take it anymore. Why are people so horrible?" Then you flung yourself onto your bed and wept for an entire day. Totally reasonable. But claiming you would never read the Roundup again? That was a horrible lie — just like when you said no more Meth. So here you are, about to read tales of the worst human beings on the planet, once again. Sit back, suck it up and take it in because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some horrible presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.
I expect to be including George W. Bush in every Roundup from now until January 20th. Fear the shit he can still do. This week, Bush decided to pull down his pants, squat over our water and take a big shit in it. Bush approved a ruling that makes it easier for coal companies to dump dirt waste into streams and valleys.
The rule is one of the most contentious of all the regulations emerging from the White House in President Bush's last weeks in office ...
A coalition of environmental groups said the rule would accelerate "the destruction of mountains, forests and streams throughout Appalachia."
Edward C. Hopkins, a policy analyst at the Sierra Club, said: "The E.P.A.'s own scientists have concluded that dumping mining waste into streams devastates downstream water quality. By signing off on this rule, the agency has abdicated its responsibility."
Mountain Top Removal is shockingly destructive. The process has already devastated ecosystems and communities in Appalachia. Now, they can ruin the surface and groundwater. Thank God. Water is so fucking stupid — just go buy it if you can't use yours.
Was the Bush assault on water done there? Nope. Next he's going to allow an awesome neurotoxin into our water supplies.
Among the Bush administration's final environmental legacies will be a decision to exempt perchlorate, a known neurotoxin found at unsafe levels in the drinking water of millions of Americans, from federal regulation.
The ruling, proposed by the Environmental Protection Agency in October, was supposed to be formalized on Monday. That deadline passed, but the agency expects to announce its decision by the year's end, before president-elect Barack Obama takes office. It could take years to reverse.
No worries. Just years of a horrible toxin in our water system.
The most comprehensive human exposure study, which measured unexpectedly high perchlorate levels and correlated them with thyroid hormone drops, was concluded by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2007.
Hey, thyroids are fucking lame. They don't really do much. Plus, you can buy your water if you're worried about your stupid thyroid.
Next up, some parental Asshole Fuckfacery.
Meet Brenda Lyddon. She's from Iowa and she has a mentally disabled son. Naturally, that means she wants mentally disabled people to have their voting rights stripped away.
Lyddon's son Kristopher Willis, 26, is developmentally disabled and lives in a Grinnell group home. She was upset to learn that staff at the home took her son to a polling place on Election Day despite her instructions not to.
"I went to the home and told the person who is in charge of the home he is not allowed to vote," said Lyddon. "I am his mother and he was not allowed to vote."
Or, you know, you could not be an Asshole Fuckface.
Lyddon, who unsuccessfully challenged her son's ballot, retains guardianship over him for most legal decisions.
Wow. She challenged his ballot. She is wonderful mommy. I wonder why she went through all this trouble.
Lyddon supported and did volunteer work for the Republican Sen. John McCain. Her son voted for Democratic Sen. Barack Obama. But she said that's not why she complained.
Uh huh. Maybe she's mad because her disabled son won and she lost. Also, she's kind of retarded for supporting for McCain.
Next up, copper Asshole Fuckfacery.
Jennifer and John Davis were headed to the hospital on Route 2 near Boston. The traffic was a nightmare, which was not good because she was about to shoot a baby out of her vagina. Her contractions were only three minutes apart. So, John, being a man and a father took evasive action. He drove in the breakdown lane, until he came upon a state trooper. He then asked Trooper Michael Galluccio if he could keep using the lane to reach the next exit. Unfortunately, Galluccio turned out to be an Asshole Fuckface.
Not only did the trooper say no, he gave them a $100 citation for driving in the breakdown lane, made them wait for their citation while he finished writing someone else's ticket, and even seemed to ask for proof of pregnancy, Jennifer Davis said.
"He said, 'What's under your jacket?' I said, 'My belly,' " Davis said. "He waited and gestured with his head like, 'OK, let's see it.' He waited for me to unzip my jacket. I mean, it was so clear that I was pregnant."
Hey, it's the guy that makes people hate cops! Yay! He spent ten minutes writing them a ticket, then sent them on their way.
They made it to the hospital and the baby was born five hours later, which doesn't really mean shit. A woman in labor can give birth at any time and die during the process. Tooper Asshole Fuckface got lucky.
Finally, our last Asshole Fuckface was our first Asshole Fuckface.
Yes, it's George W. Bush again. This week he gave a fantastic interview, during which he was the same horrible, lying douchebag he has been all along. But this wasn't just an ordinary interview, this was the beginning of creating the Bush myth. Much like was done with Reagan, they will now begin lying in order to win the battle of history.
Saddam Hussein allowed International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors into Iraq in December 2002, four months before the war began. They destroyed Iraq's stockpiles of al Samoud missiles in early 2003.
On March 7, Hans Blix, the head of the IEAE inspection team, told the UN that, "At this juncture we are able to perform professional, no-notice inspections all over Iraq and to increase aerial surveys." Immediately after Blix' report, however, Bush warned the inspectors to prepare to leave Iraq. Ten days later, he ordered them out of the country. The invasion began three days later, on March 20.
Oh, and the White House sort of created the Office of Special Plans, run by Douglas Feith, to cherry pick intelligence so that we could attack Iraq.
The agency, called the Office of Special Plans, was set up by the defense secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, to second-guess CIA information and operated under the patronage of hard-line conservatives in the top rungs of the administration, the Pentagon and at the White House, including Vice-President Dick Cheney.
The ideologically driven network functioned like a shadow government, much of it off the official payroll and beyond congressional oversight. But it proved powerful enough to prevail in a struggle with the State Department and the CIA by establishing a justification for war.
George Bush is, of course, the greatest Asshole Fuckface of all time. Now we get to sit back and watch him and his criminal friends attempt to create his legacy.
Enjoy the Bush Legacy Project!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.




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Quella
USA
July 2008
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Joplin, MO
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gdarklighter
San Diego, CA
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Fairport, NY
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San Francisco, CA
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Phoenix, AZ
January 2004
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Quella
USA
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Joplin, MO
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Saint Paul, MN
July 2003
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Joplin, MO
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New Orleans, LA
December 2002
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Universal City, TX
May 2007
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Columbus, OH
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I'm lost
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