Now that you’ve crammed a shocking amount of turkey into your talky hole and visited with your delightful family, it’s time to get back to reality. Of course, I am referring to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. You should know that because it’s the title of this article. The first Roundup was created to destroy the sweet afterglow of holiday cheer and it has continued to this day, 1796 years later. "Why?," you ask. But I don’t answer. Just accept it and shut your face. We shouldn’t question such things. This week’s collection of Asshole Fuckfaces is, as usual, heinous. So, put on your best velvet shower curtain because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some amazing corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

Taneka Talley went to work at the Dollar Tree in Fairfield, California on March 29, 2006. That was apparently a huge mistake, because Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire Tommy Thompson had decided to kill the first black person he saw that day. It turned out to be Taneka. She was stabbed in the heart while working at the store and died. Now, Talley’s son is being raised by his grandmother and the Dollar Tree is trying to make it into the Asshole Fuckface hall of fame.

A personal relationship? Maybe he knew her from outside of work? Nope. Maybe they had a relationship online? Nope. Maybe they met at her job Nope. The personal relationship was actually not very intimate.

So, it was one of those "never met her in my life" personal relationships. Hopefully no one gets raped while working at the Dollar Tree, because that would mean they were attacked for having a vagina. The Asshole Fuckfaces at the Dollar Tree who made this decision are some of the most disgusting people on the face of the Earth. Hopefully they suffer horribly.

Next up, a little U.S. Asshole Fuckface stupidity.

Sikhism is the fifth largest religion in the world. It is based on the teachings of a dude named Nanak who was kicking around India in the fifteenth century. Many Sikhs wear turbans, which are an article of faith that represents honor, self-respect, courage, spirituality, and piety. Many also have kick-ass long beards, which means they look like the cartoon version of an Arab to ignorant Americans. Morons targeted many Sikhs after 9/11 in the U.S..

A couple of weeks ago, three popular Sikh musicians got on a US Airways flight in Sacramento, headed for Salt Lake City. That’s when the trouble started.

Well, that was decent of them. Surely there must be a reasonable explanation.

Oh, good. Well, the pilot saved all the other passengers from another U..S Sikh attack. Dear Asshole Fuckface pilot, try reading a book. They really are fun and knowing stuff doesn’t hurt.

Next up, some delightful Australian teenage Asshole Fuckfacery.

Five Australian teenagers were having a rough night. They were driving around in a Subaru, which had been impounded a couple of weeks ago for “hooning offenses.” (Hooning basically means driving like an asshole). As they rounded a corner, they collided with a van. The elderly couple in the van were severely injured.

Now what to do? You’ve just been involved in a terrible accident and the passengers in the other car appear to be in very bad shape. Well, you don’t do anything.

True, but it is hard to help on an empty stomach.

Maccas is McDonalds in Australia. They were in a car that had been impounded for hooning, then just happened to get in an accident in an area known for hooning, then they sat down and ate a meal while a couple in the other car hung on to life. That is some amazing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Oh, and the old man died.

Next up, Black Friday shopper Asshole Fuckfacery.

Obviously, I know how hard it is to stand outside of a Wal-Mart before the doors are open. We’ve all been there. Standing outside, salivating as we think of all the cheap, toxic-filled, Chinese products lining the shelves. The day after Thanksgiving was no different.

Thirty-four year old Jdimytai Damour of Queens was on the other side of the door. He was a temp worker hired by Wal-Mart (I guess to avoid paying the health insurance they don’t pay) to do maintenance work. I didn't work out so well when he opened the door.

If you are stampeding to get into Wal-Mart any day of the year, just kill yourself. You have reached a depth of sadness I can’t comprehend.

That’s about as horrible as it gets. Being a human being, I would have felt terrible that I had been a part of such a tragedy. Right?

First, I don't know what's worse - that you killed someone trying to get into a Wal-Mart or that you were lined up all of Thanksgiving Day outside of a Wal-Mart. Second, did anybody order McDonalds? I hear that’s what you’re supposed to do around dead people now.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.