This is the day we Americans come together to celebrate thanks and stuff. In 1619, English settlers arrived at Berkeley Hundred, a settlement 20 miles north of Jamestown in the Colony of Virginia. When they arrived they celebrated a “day of Thanksgiving” to God. Three years later, 9 of the 38 settlers were brutally murdered by Indians. Throughout Virginia, nearly 1/3 of all settlers were killed during the Indian Massacre of 1622. The location of America’s first Thanksgiving was abandoned. With that in mind, it’s time to give thanks!

First up, the economy. How awesome is our economy? Pretty awesome, is the answer. Who would have thought getting rid of all the regulations that were put in place to prevent another Great Depression would lead to such awesomeness? We are close to reaching a wonderful milestone.

Use those food stamps to buy turkey and thank the devastatingly horrible economy.

Next, I am thankful for rendition. We are truly blessed to be citizens of a nation that snatches people off the street anywhere in the world, denies them due process, imprisons them and deprives them of legal council. Hell, we have kidnapped over 100 people from Europe alone! They are all rotting away in dark holes, like so many unwanted Tofurkeys. Thank you, rendition.

That brings us to torture. Man, if you would have told me 10 years ago we would be torturing human beings in 2008, I’d have said you were nuts. But were doing it! Thanks be to Jesus! And we pretend it is legal!

And we thank them for it.

Next up, I’d like to give thanks for signing statements. For the past 8 years, George Bush has been shitting on the Constitution and the entire idea of the Separation of Powers by adding and taking out whatever he wanted to when bills reached his desk from Congress. He even created a shadow government using Executive Orders that allow the president to take over during a national emergency and gather all the powers of the federal government into the office of the president –– you know, like a dictator. We give thanks for the shadow government.

Next up, I fall to my knees and thank the existence of the war on terror. Really, really good stuff. All we have to do is mention the “Global War on Terror" and we can pretty much do whatever in the fuck we want. Terrorism? Nope. Terror. All of it. We are fighting a war against a tactic. And when the Global War on Terror is over, we will launch a Global War on Flanking. So, today we should be thankful we are not fighting the small, pitiful Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the War Against al Qaeda. We are thankful they have all been crammed under a vague umbrella that allows us to indiscriminately do horrible things in the name of freedom.

While we are on the subject of the Global War on Terror, I’d like to give thanks for the million people we have on the Terror Watch List. Can you believe it? Without a Terror Watch List, one million Americans would be walking around not being watched. Terrorists. One million of them. All Americans. We should all be thankful we are keeping an eye on those fuckers today.

Also, I would like to take the time to give thanks for domestic spying. I mean, there are one million people on the Terror Watch List, so we’ve got to keep an eye on them, right? There is no reason why any American should be allowed to speak freely in America without the Eye of Mordor keeping watch. I am thankful that in years to come we will be astounded at the amount of spying that occurred during these times.

And speaking of the Global War on Terror, I’d like to give thanks for pre-emptive war. At some point, hopefully we’ll be able to declare war on pre-emptive war and have a pre-pre-emptive war.

And while I am thanking pre-emptive war and the Global War on Terror, I’d like to toss a big thanks out to the privatization of the military. I’m talking to you Blackwater and Halliburton. You increased the inefficiency of our military and decreased accountability, while increasing costs. Truly awesome. I thank you.

Mostly, I’d like to thank Congress for all of this. Without their shocking weakness and lack of understanding of their role in our government, none of this would have been possible. The C in Congress stands for cave. And cave they do, over and over.

Please, add a reason you are thankful to the message board on this blessed day.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.