Asshole Fuckface Roundup #73
Asshole Fuckfacing is upon us! Thrusting and pounding on our precious innocence every single day! We must cleanse ourselves with a thorough reading and understanding of their actions. Then, we must heap scorn and ridicule upon them! That is what the baby Jesus would have wanted. Trust me, he totally would have. Also, that John Smith guy would have been down with it, too. As would all of his wives. I have scoured the Earth to bring you the worst Asshole Fuckfaces on the planet. Hold on to your burlap sacks, because this is going to be ugly.
First up, an Asshole Fuckface shows off for his wanna be lady.
Meet Anthony Zitnick. Hes a 21-year-old who is doing what he can to impress 16-year-old girls. Back where I was from, that was considered to be some serious loser behavior. But I dont want to judge people from Florida for trying to bang underage girls, because it is an awesome state.
Back in 2005, Zitnick did a little yard work for a gentleman named Alan Rigerman, after Hurricane Wilma. Rigerman gave Zitnick a key. Oh, and Rigerman legally keeps two cougars and several snakes, tortoises and alligators at his home.
Uh oh. Cougars, a 21-year-old has been and the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. This isnt going to go well.
Yeah, Zitnick decided to show off. He took the 16-year-old girl to Rigermans house. Enter cougar stage right.
Richard Miralles, a neighbor familiar with Rigerman's large cats, heard the girl's piercing scream from next door.
'I heard her scream, `I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die,' '' he said, hours after paramedics had left.
Miralles said he immediately dropped what he was doing, jumped his six-foot fence, and barged into Rigerman's back room -- only to find the girl pinned beneath Chaos, her head in his mouth and his large declawed paw on her face. Zitnick was standing nearby in shock, Miralles said.
Seriously, thanks for helping out, Zit. I know, its totally shocking that the cougar is attacking the walking meat sack you brought by. Please, dont move.
At first, Miralles said, he tried to push Chaos off, but he wouldn't budge. He then resorted to punching and kicking the cougar, which quickly balled up in a corner, he said.
Miralles then picked up the girl, who was bleeding profusely from her head and thigh, and ran outside to wait for an ambulance.
Oh, man. It's like the classic movie moment, where the nerd brings a girl to meet a cougar, the cougar bites and starts eating her head and then the jock saves the day.
The girl was released from the hospital after being treated for injuries sustained in a kitchen cougar attack.
Doctors repaired a large gash in the back of her neck suffered when the animal clenched its jaws around the girl's head.
Neighbors said paramedics also treated Zitnick, who was in shock after Chaos, a 150-pound male cougar, attacked the girl he brought inside the home.
Hopefully they treated him with a kick to the balls.
Next up, English Asshole Fuckfaces shouldnt be on juries.
Last July, Jane McKenna, 33, and her husband invited another couple over for a barbeque. At some point the other couple had an argument and the woman went home, leaving Jason Jeal, 37, to sleep on the McKennas couch. Then everyone went to bed.
Mrs. McKenna fell asleep in the same room as her nine-year-old daughter after trying to settle her. Some time later Mrs. McKenna, a deep sleeper, was woken by her daughter who had noticed Mr. Jeal's body hovering above her mother, and was then horrified to realize the assault was taking place.
Yes. Dude was raping mom while she was in her 9-year-olds bed. He was arrested and charged with sexual assault. His DNA was found on Mrs. McKenna. So, he went with the obvious defense any of us would use: I was asleep when I raped you.
And it worked.
Jason Jeal, a 37-year-old roofer with no medical history of sleepwalking, admitted sex had taken place. But he was cleared of rape after he insisted he had been asleep and had no idea what he was doing.
Man, that first time sleepwalking is a bitch. You get in all kinds of mischief!
Under the Sexual Offences Act 2003, a defendant is guilty of rape if an attack is intentional.
In the case of Jason Jeal, the jury were left to decide whether they believed his argument that he could not remember what he did because he was apparently asleep.
Their not guilty verdict indicates that the jury agreed he was sleepwalking -- or at least could not agree 'beyond reasonable doubt' that he was not.
As a result, he could not be held accountable for his actions and the attack was not intentional.
A jury of complete and total Asshole Fuckfaces. "Sorry, I was asleep," is now officially an excuse for rape.
Next up, the ultimate Asshole Fuckface opens his yap.
Karl Rove is by far one of the worst human beings alive. This week he wrote an article in the Wall Street Journal, in which he gave advice to Barack Obama.
There is also a thorny local controversy. Should the new president replace U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, who prosecuted Mr. Obama's fund-raising patron, Tony Rezko, and is investigating high-profile Democrats?
Um. Wait. re you actually giving Obama advice on politicizing the Department of Justice? You? The guy who instigated the political imprisonment of the former governor of Alabama. The guy who oversaw the firing of US Attorneys because they wouldnt conduct fraudulent political prosecutions? Oh, and thanks for bringing up the name of the guy who investigated you but couldnt prosecute because the administration engaged in lying and obstruction of justice.
The ironic hubris is astounding. But you will always look like that, so I consider it a win.
Finally, an Asshole Fuckface knows whom to blame for the California fires.
You can always count on some religious lunatic to make a connection that would cause Jesus to vomit. This week it was James Hartline of the James Hartline Report. Jimmy took a look at the fires in California and right away knew the cause: Gays. Seriously, what else could it be?
God keeps trying to get their attention. They, for their part, are shouting so loud for the acceptance of homosexuality, that they cannot hear the thunderous warnings of God: "Repent! For the judgment comes soon!"
Each time homosexual activists attempt to force their agenda on California, there have been raging, massive, incinerating fires sweeping across the California landscape.
Today, people are running for their lives as 800 California homes have burned down and the firestorm is spreading like a nuclear holocaust. Yet, the radical homosexual anarchists rampage upon the streets of this state demanding the destruction of marriage and family, and the establishment of their socialistic dark vision for society.
See, God hates the gay agenda. That's why San Francisco is always engulfed by hell fires. Seriously, it's like gay blow torch up in that bitch.
You see, the problem is this: God has plans for California in the near days ahead. Thus, these attempts to force an ungodly tyranny on this state are being met blow with blow by God. God is saying, "California shall be a refuge for America when the catastrophes come. California belongs to Me, not the advocates of sexual anarchy."
Advocates of Sexual Anarchy are a great band. I think. Honestly, I dont know what he is talking about. It sounds like a band, though, right?
The Prophet Amos declared in the Bible:
I have overthrown some of you, as God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah, and ye were as a firebrand plucked out of the burning: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD."
Massachusetts. Seriously. Huge hole in your gay fire theory.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
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Comments
OpticNerve
Arlington, MA
November 2003
NOV 22, 2008 07:30 AM
sick
Minneapolis, MN
June 2003
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xfinitex
East Lansing, MI
August 2005
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Mythos_
Germany
March 2008
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Accuser
Scottsdale, AZ
October 2006
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USA
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Edmonton, AB
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Baltimore, MD
April 2005
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Ottawa, ON
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Cleveland, OH
February 2007
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Lusyd
HOPEFUL
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Braintree, MA
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Birmingham, AL
October 2005
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