It’s time for America to get its bailout on again. Detroit has turned into a giant bag of ass and we need to do something about it. They want 25 billion. I say we give it to them. Why? Because I’m a socialist? Nope. Because we are heading toward a deep, deep recession and the last thing we need is to lose 3 million jobs.

So, we can pay for it with a bailout, or pay for it in unemployment insurance, welfare and an increase in crime.

Oh, I know. The car companies are complete fuck ups. No argument here. While the right wing continues its rant that this is the fault of unions, I’m going to actually go with the facts. The mistakes of the auto companies were made at the top. They were made by throwing their weight behind cars like the Hummer, while Toyota was going with the Prius. While Detroit was cranking out Explorers and Escalades, Japan was whipping out the Civic Hybrid. Most of us crazy liberals just sat back watching the retarded actions of both government and the auto companies with depressed amusement. Yeah, I wrote “government.” Bush is very responsible for the current state of the auto industry because he gave massive tax breaks to people buying Hummers and refused to up standards. What we are seeing now is the result of a fantastically shortsighted and heinous energy policy. But, then, what has Bush touched that has not turned into a flaming pile of shit?

Our retarded Republican friends would like everyone to think the auto companies are in this position because of unions. Uh huh. Right. The workers are at fault for the collapse of the company. That’s usually how it works. Please ignore the facts.

The horrible, horrible union has done its part to save the company, so shut the fuck up, you incredible idiots. The estimated cost of health care for each GM car is $1,500. Considering most other countries have universal health care, our auto industry is starting in a hole, which just happens to coincide with the profit difference.



But, the right wing is against health care, so we can’t do that. And we can’t have unions. And we can’t save the car companies with a bail out. Sorry, we just have to let ‘em fold and put 3 million Americans out of work. Then we will not pass an extension for unemployment and they will have to become criminals to survive. Then we will put them in jail where they belong. Fucking criminal assholes.

Automobile companies are in bad shape because they made bad choices. They went for the short sighted big buck, the one that would make them the most in the moment, you know, like all those financial companies we just bailed out. Except, the car company’s actions were stupid instead of criminal. And now they are getting hammered by…right, the credit problem – which was created by a lack of regulation on Wall Street. Companies like GM survive on credit. They need it to pay the companies that produce the parts they use to make cars. With no credit, the whole thing collapses. And it’s the reason we can’t allow GM to declare bankruptcy.

GM won't be able to file Chapter 11.

Sweet. Total liquidation. That should be awesome for any future wars we have to fight. We don’t need those companies to produce equipment for our forces or anything.

What everyone also seems to be missing are Detroit’s advances. The companies are actually turning the corner, and in some cases possibly moving ahead of Japan.

No bailout means kissing the Volt and possibly its technology good bye.

Sounds awesome. The Volt has been in development for a decade, so let’s toss it out the window. It’s totally what we need with peak oil staring us in the face and companies like Tesla falling apart because of the credit crunch.

Or, you know, we could go with the “free market” plan. Let’s see how that would play out.

Sweet. There’s your free market at work. I’m sure the right wing would love our car companies and their technology being owned by the Chinese. Right? Hello?

The bailout needs to happen, but unlike the idiotic one we just gave to Wall Street, it should come with strings. First, fire every asshole working at the top of these companies. Get ‘em out. They are idiots and have been fighting against regulation and EPA standards that would have pushed them in the direction of profitability today. Fuck ‘em. Bring in someone who is innovative and has actually made a lot of money, like a Bill Gates or a Steve Jobs. Make standards and new regulations part of the bailout deal. We have been at a political standstill for years because of the many lawmakers beholden to automakers and their employees. Now it is time to get what should have been done years ago done.

Of course, the right sees this as a way to destroy one of America’s most powerful unions, so they are against it. You’ll see a lot of the assholes who voted for the Wall Street bailout saying this is a bad idea because they want to kill the union. They are okay losing 3 million jobs for ideology. Meanwhile, they can’t handle the idea of universal healthcare and love spending shitloads of money in Iraq. They are amazing idiots. If you support the Iraq War and all it has cost, yet argue against a bailout, please explain to me why I shouldn’t be able to shit down your throat. Because I don’t see any difference between you and a toilet.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.