Asshole Fuckface Roundup #72

Asshole Fuckface Roundup. You’ve been waiting one whole week to read those sweet, sweet words. And now here they are, staring you right in the face. I know, you’re excited and a bit nervous. That’s what happens when we learn about the worst human beings on Earth. We know it will bring us both joy and misery. That’s the crazy contrast that is the round up. But you will read. Oh, will you read. So, wrap yourself in your favorite used parachute, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some wonderful Asshole Fuckfacery from the L. Ron Hubbard peeps.

A Sydney woman in her early twenties was having some mental health issues in 2006. A psychiatrist diagnosed her with a “psychotic illness” and recommended a course of treatment. That’s where the Scientology thing became a problem.

"She had a history of being diagnosed with a psychotic illness in late 2006 at Bankstown Hospital, but follow-up from the mental health team was apparently declined by her parents because of their alleged Scientology beliefs," Dr Cross said.

I bet this is going to work out great!

The woman is accused of fatally stabbing her 53-year-old father and 15-year-old sister at the family home in Hydrae Street at Revesby in Sydney's south-west on Thursday.

It is also alleged she stabbed her 52-year-old mother, who raised the alarm as she collapsed in a neighbor’s garden.

Oops. I can’t believe they couldn’t get all those Thetans out of her. This is really confusing. They totally got their Tom Cruise on and it didn't work.

The report said after she stopped taking her medication she began to feel anxious, and depressed. She also experienced poor sleep and felt unsafe at home.

"She stated that her parents did not want her to take the prescribed medication she had been on in 2006, and apparently started her on medication they got from America - which was not psychiatric in nature," it said.

Put one win in the Scientology victory column. They saved that poor girl from psychiatry.

Next up, a little Ku Klux Klan Asshole Fuckfacery.

We can always count on the KKK to be horrible, but this is spectacular. Last week, Cynthia Charlotte Lynch, 43, of Tulsa went down to Louisiana to join the Sons of Dixie, also known as the DixiTards. She met the group through the Internet.

Apparently they have a difficult initiation and Cynthia was not down with it – even though it sounds awesome.

After several rituals, including a head-shaving, the woman went with eight others to a remote sand-bar campsite.

The initiation ceremony, a police spokesman said, principally involved lighting torches and "running around in the woods".

At some point, Cynthia decided running around in the woods and shaving her head was kinda lame. She decided to leave. The Sons of Dixie leader, Raymond "Chuck" Foster, 44, was not down with Cynthia leaving. I mean, they had spent all that time shaving her head and chasing her around in the woods, so it was pretty unreasonable. Cynthia and Chuck argued. Then he pushed her to the ground and shot her.

Was the awesome stupidity over yet? Fuck no. These guys are epic Asshole Fuckfaces.

However, authorities were alerted after Foster's son and another member of the group went to a supermarket in the town of Bogalusa and asked how they could remove bloodstains from their clothes. The shop assistant recognized them and called police, who went to the scene and found five members of the group in the woods.

Hey, do you have a bucket for holding human brains and a body buryin' shovel?

Weapons, Ku Klux Klan flags, five white Klan uniforms and a black "imperial wizard" uniform were found at the campsite.

Aw. They probably didn’t even get to play dress up.

Next up, Mormons instill Asshole Fuckfacery in their spawn.

Madison County, Idaho is a Mormon hotbed of Mormonness. There are talking salamanders and weird underwear everywhere. In 2004, 92 percent of the votes in Madison went to George Bush. Rexburg, the main town in Madison, goes by the slogan, "America's Family Community."

An estimated 97 percent of the locals belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints -- making Rexburg possibly the most Mormon of all towns.

Naturally, they hate Obama, because he’s all black and presidenty. We found that out through the actions of their lovely Mormon children.

Madison County, Idaho was once dubbed "the reddest place in America" by Salon, but that didn't make it any less shocking when elementary school children allegedly started chanting, "assassinate Obama" on the school bus.

Fun! What kid doesn’t remember riding the school bus and chanting for the death of a newly elected president?

Matthew Whoolery told KIKD News he found out about the chanting from his second and third graders, who had no idea what the word "assassinate" meant.

"They just hadn't heard anything like this before," Whoolery stated. "I think the thing that struck us was just like, 'Where did they get the word and why would they put that word and that person together?'"

Uh, yeah. Second and third graders just came up with it out of thin air. They had no idea what it meant. That’s why they were chanting it. This town certainly has no history of kids doing fucked up shit.

One of Rexburg's lone Democrats, a professor at the university, told Salon that "she remembers the time when a group of classmates followed her third-grader home, shouting out 'baby-killer' all along the way. She took it up with the teacher, who didn't seem to mind."

What up Children of the Corn? What’s Malachai been up to?

Finally, let’s take another dip into White Supremacist Asshole Fuckface Lake.

Daniel Cowart, 20, is one of the skinheads who had a shockingly lame plan to kill Barack Obama and a school full of black kids. Last week he was indicted by a grand jury in Memphis with plotting to kill Obama, possessing a sawn-off shotgun, carrying guns across state lines to commit crimes and planning to rob a licensed firearms dealer. But Danny doesn’t think the indictment was fair and has asked for the indictment to be dismissed.

In his petition, Cowart said the grand jury had two white members, while "21 were African-American or of another race or races." The jury, he said, could not "under the most modest constitutional scrutiny ... be considered fair, impartial and unprejudiced."

Damn. Tough break.

"There had to be either a systematic exclusion of white people from that (grand jury) pool or there was some unexplained deviation in the composition of that pool by which you get two white people out of 23," said Joe Byrd, Cowart's attorney.

Huh. Bummer for you. Enjoy the rape house.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

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