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  • SATURDAY NOVEMBER 15 2008 6:00 AM

Asshole Fuckface Roundup #72

Asshole Fuckface Roundup. You’ve been waiting one whole week to read those sweet, sweet words. And now here they are, staring you right in the face. I know, you’re excited and a bit nervous. That’s what happens when we learn about the worst human beings on Earth. We know it will bring us both joy and misery. That’s the crazy contrast that is the round up. But you will read. Oh, will you read. So, wrap yourself in your favorite used parachute, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some wonderful Asshole Fuckfacery from the L. Ron Hubbard peeps.

A Sydney woman in her early twenties was having some mental health issues in 2006. A psychiatrist diagnosed her with a “psychotic illness” and recommended a course of treatment. That’s where the Scientology thing became a problem.

"She had a history of being diagnosed with a psychotic illness in late 2006 at Bankstown Hospital, but follow-up from the mental health team was apparently declined by her parents because of their alleged Scientology beliefs," Dr Cross said.



I bet this is going to work out great!

The woman is accused of fatally stabbing her 53-year-old father and 15-year-old sister at the family home in Hydrae Street at Revesby in Sydney's south-west on Thursday.

It is also alleged she stabbed her 52-year-old mother, who raised the alarm as she collapsed in a neighbor’s garden.



Oops. I can’t believe they couldn’t get all those Thetans out of her. This is really confusing. They totally got their Tom Cruise on and it didn't work.

The report said after she stopped taking her medication she began to feel anxious, and depressed. She also experienced poor sleep and felt unsafe at home.

"She stated that her parents did not want her to take the prescribed medication she had been on in 2006, and apparently started her on medication they got from America - which was not psychiatric in nature," it said.



Put one win in the Scientology victory column. They saved that poor girl from psychiatry.

Next up, a little Ku Klux Klan Asshole Fuckfacery.

We can always count on the KKK to be horrible, but this is spectacular. Last week, Cynthia Charlotte Lynch, 43, of Tulsa went down to Louisiana to join the Sons of Dixie, also known as the DixiTards. She met the group through the Internet.

Apparently they have a difficult initiation and Cynthia was not down with it – even though it sounds awesome.

After several rituals, including a head-shaving, the woman went with eight others to a remote sand-bar campsite.

The initiation ceremony, a police spokesman said, principally involved lighting torches and "running around in the woods".



At some point, Cynthia decided running around in the woods and shaving her head was kinda lame. She decided to leave. The Sons of Dixie leader, Raymond "Chuck" Foster, 44, was not down with Cynthia leaving. I mean, they had spent all that time shaving her head and chasing her around in the woods, so it was pretty unreasonable. Cynthia and Chuck argued. Then he pushed her to the ground and shot her.

Was the awesome stupidity over yet? Fuck no. These guys are epic Asshole Fuckfaces.

However, authorities were alerted after Foster's son and another member of the group went to a supermarket in the town of Bogalusa and asked how they could remove bloodstains from their clothes. The shop assistant recognized them and called police, who went to the scene and found five members of the group in the woods.



Hey, do you have a bucket for holding human brains and a body buryin' shovel?

Weapons, Ku Klux Klan flags, five white Klan uniforms and a black "imperial wizard" uniform were found at the campsite.



Aw. They probably didn’t even get to play dress up.

Next up, Mormons instill Asshole Fuckfacery in their spawn.

Madison County, Idaho is a Mormon hotbed of Mormonness. There are talking salamanders and weird underwear everywhere. In 2004, 92 percent of the votes in Madison went to George Bush. Rexburg, the main town in Madison, goes by the slogan, "America's Family Community."

An estimated 97 percent of the locals belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints -- making Rexburg possibly the most Mormon of all towns.



Naturally, they hate Obama, because he’s all black and presidenty. We found that out through the actions of their lovely Mormon children.

Madison County, Idaho was once dubbed "the reddest place in America" by Salon, but that didn't make it any less shocking when elementary school children allegedly started chanting, "assassinate Obama" on the school bus.



Fun! What kid doesn’t remember riding the school bus and chanting for the death of a newly elected president?

Matthew Whoolery told KIKD News he found out about the chanting from his second and third graders, who had no idea what the word "assassinate" meant.

"They just hadn't heard anything like this before," Whoolery stated. "I think the thing that struck us was just like, 'Where did they get the word and why would they put that word and that person together?'"



Uh, yeah. Second and third graders just came up with it out of thin air. They had no idea what it meant. That’s why they were chanting it. This town certainly has no history of kids doing fucked up shit.

One of Rexburg's lone Democrats, a professor at the university, told Salon that "she remembers the time when a group of classmates followed her third-grader home, shouting out 'baby-killer' all along the way. She took it up with the teacher, who didn't seem to mind."



What up Children of the Corn? What’s Malachai been up to?

Finally, let’s take another dip into White Supremacist Asshole Fuckface Lake.

Daniel Cowart, 20, is one of the skinheads who had a shockingly lame plan to kill Barack Obama and a school full of black kids. Last week he was indicted by a grand jury in Memphis with plotting to kill Obama, possessing a sawn-off shotgun, carrying guns across state lines to commit crimes and planning to rob a licensed firearms dealer. But Danny doesn’t think the indictment was fair and has asked for the indictment to be dismissed.

In his petition, Cowart said the grand jury had two white members, while "21 were African-American or of another race or races." The jury, he said, could not "under the most modest constitutional scrutiny ... be considered fair, impartial and unprejudiced."



Damn. Tough break.

"There had to be either a systematic exclusion of white people from that (grand jury) pool or there was some unexplained deviation in the composition of that pool by which you get two white people out of 23," said Joe Byrd, Cowart's attorney.



Huh. Bummer for you. Enjoy the rape house.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

 

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Comments
mattacme

mattacme

Calistoga, CA
February 2006

NOV 15, 2008 07:57 AM

I've been around. lived a full life and have seem plenty of whacked out shit. This is the only weekly column that never fails to get my jaw to drop and my head to shake. Its like an accident happening in front of my eyes in slow motion that I cannot look away from, every week. Thank you, I think.

So how would Dr. Cruise have treated the young Australian woman? I personally take no meds for anything but thats a health choice, not a beliefs issue. What would the good Dr. Cruise recommend if someone breaks their leg? What about a serious gash that need sutures, Dr. Cruise? I'm so confused.

Once upon a time all good hater groups had a hater group manual in which one could find useful tips about all sorts of thigs, like methods to successfully remove traces of blood from clothing. These are sad times when hate mongers have to send their poor, embarrassed kids to the store to ask for advice from a clerk (who they might actually hate, too). Please give to the train a hater fund, whenever you find it. This is shameful.

The only thing to say about Idaho is it should just be a Republican gimme from now on. Lets not even make them vote, ever again. Just rack it up for the 'Pubs. Seriously.

Here some of us are, basking in the glow of an election gone right in which race was almost never brought up (on the surface) and in which a black man won the highest office in this land, and Dan Cowart has to throw a wet blanket on us. Danny, you must have missed the memo: a jury of your peers means a jury of humans, that is all. Maybe the reason there were so many African Americans seated has something to do with African Americans as a group being far more likely to answer the summons to serve than your white buddies. And guess what else, Danny? The great United States of America Armed Forces have a very large number of African Americans serving in them right now, shedding their blood for your right to a fair and speedy trial for your wanting to kill them. Hey Danny, its haters like you that old hands like me hate. How dare you enjoy the freedoms earned with the blood of those you hate. You should be banished to a nice African nation to change the mints in the mens room for the rest of your natural life.

Great roundup, FTR.

Tiger_Fodder

Tiger_Fodder

Braintree, MA
June 2007

NOV 15, 2008 09:32 AM

Seriously what third grader doesn't know the word "assassinate"? I knew it in three languages by the age of 6. Mormon slackers.

papawheelie

papawheelie

Fisty, KY
February 2003

NOV 15, 2008 09:55 AM

please. any word that includes the word 'ass' is known by third graders... especially one that has ass in it _twice_

(dear pedants, please do not take my comment literally and derail the thread, kthanks.)



Innocent_Sid said:
Seriously what third grader doesn't know the word "assassinate"? I knew it in three languages by the age of 6. Mormon slackers.



Red_Dragon_214

Red_Dragon_214

Daytona Beach, FL
December 2003

NOV 15, 2008 10:32 AM

papawheelie said:
please. any word that includes the word 'ass' is known by third graders... especially one that has ass in it _twice_



I believe that's known as the "Lake Titicaca Effect."

Bill_the_Cat

Bill_the_Cat

Vanier, ON
May 2005

NOV 15, 2008 11:01 AM

Red_Dragon_214 said:

papawheelie said:
please. any word that includes the word 'ass' is known by third graders... especially one that has ass in it _twice_



I believe that's known as the "Lake Titicaca Effect."



It's why every third grader knows the capital of Thialand.

Otoki

Otoki

SUICIDEGIRL

Minnesota, USA

NOV 15, 2008 12:01 PM

Bill_the_Cat said:

Red_Dragon_214 said:

papawheelie said:
please. any word that includes the word 'ass' is known by third graders... especially one that has ass in it _twice_



I believe that's known as the "Lake Titicaca Effect."



It's why every third grader knows the capital of Thialand.



These three posts are full of WIN.

On a more serious note, did the woman survive the shooting?

motorfirebox

motorfirebox

Pittsburgh, PA
March 2004

NOV 15, 2008 12:38 PM

i'm guessing not, since the Klansmen are up on murder charges.

sick

sick

Minneapolis, MN
June 2003

NOV 15, 2008 12:44 PM

Bill_the_Cat said:

Red_Dragon_214 said:

papawheelie said:
please. any word that includes the word 'ass' is known by third graders... especially one that has ass in it _twice_



I believe that's known as the "Lake Titicaca Effect."



It's why every third grader knows the capital of Thialand.



Ha...Bangkok. I laugh every time I hear it. I mean, what are the odds of that combination of syllables?

------------
Anyway, to the post at hand. Clearly the kids know the word "assassinate." But what it means? Maybe not. I'd be more likely to believe they were parroting their parents than that they had any malicious intent themselves.

KrissKross

KrissKross

Tulsa, OK
July 2008

NOV 15, 2008 01:33 PM

Nah, i heard she died.. It sucks being from Tulsa and having to deal with all this racist bull shit goin on, especially after the election..

IDGAS

IDGAS

Jackson Heights, NY
March 2004

NOV 15, 2008 03:49 PM

What has happened to Southern sheriffs? Once upon a time they would defend the kkk today they mock them.

"The IQ level of this group is not impressive, to be kind," Sheriff Jack Strain told a news conference..."

tongue tongue tongue tongue

redheadedleague

redheadedleague

Pinole, CA
September 2003

NOV 15, 2008 08:05 PM



Madison County, Idaho was once dubbed "the reddest place in America" by Salon, but that didn't make it any less shocking when elementary school children allegedly started chanting, "assassinate Obama" on the school bus.



I'd hate to be the Secret Service guys who draw this one. This is the sort of assignment where you end up burned alive in a giant wicker man.

gfvella

gfvella

Australia
November 2004

NOV 15, 2008 09:05 PM

redheadedleague said:
I'd hate to be the Secret Service guys who draw this one. This is the sort of assignment where you end up burned alive in a giant wicker man.




tongue That's too funny mate tongue

Not, I note, that indoctrinated kids are funny, but the concept of the moronmons practicing a seriously pagan sacrifice is damned tootin'

FellOnEarth

FellOnEarth

Temecula, CA
April 2006

NOV 16, 2008 12:20 AM

I just "happened" upon these:




(Betty Bowers rocks)


Bonus! That was just like getting transported to Eternia to watch the origins of He-Man. biggrin

Otoki

Otoki

SUICIDEGIRL

Minnesota, USA

NOV 16, 2008 06:16 AM

motorfirebox said:
i'm guessing not, since the Klansmen are up on murder charges.



Wow. I should really get back to that whole reading thing.

Otoki

Otoki

SUICIDEGIRL

Minnesota, USA

NOV 16, 2008 06:20 AM

FellOnEarth said:

Bonus! That was just like getting transported to Eternia to watch the origins of He-Man. biggrin



"Those who remained neutral in battle were cursed to be born with black skin. This is the Mormon explanation for the Negro Race." puke

Wait, so there were a bunch of white people in NA in the 400s, which the "dark skinned" Israelites (Native Americans) killed?

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