Well, well, well, look who’s back. You just can’t stay away, can you? Like the taste of a good Asshole Fuckface Roundup, don’t you? You need it. You yearn for it. At this point, you’re like a heroin addict. Good thing I stocked up a nice little pile of horrible, horrible people this week. And make no mistake about it; they are truly some of the worst people ever to walk the Earth. So, put on your filth-proof robe, this is going to be ugly.

First up, a right wing Asshole Fuckface opens his mouth. Good old Glenn Beck.



Really? You’re hanging with the kind of people who were actually hoping McCain would get nominated and then die? Those are some awesome peeps you're kicking it with. But, what would I know? I'm just a crazy liberal who didn't have one friend who hoped Obama would die so Biden could take over.

Just soak this in.

"Exactly." The other guy AGREES because he's been hearing the same fucking thing!

Thanks for not saying that on the air before the election, Glenn. Mighty Christian of you. Seriously, though, you are horrible people. You make demons look good. But I’m sure Jesus would be really happy with the direction you took his teachings. Enjoy Fox News, you Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some wonderful Asshole Fuckface Nazi comparisons.

Well, they tried tying Obama to terrorism, socialism, communism and, I think, rape. But none of that stuck and they lost the election. Now, what to do? How about whipping out the Nazi card? James Dobson sent out a fundraising email comparing the Democratic victories to the Nazi bombing of England during World War II.

Please, I’ve been waiting patiently. All this Nazi beating around the bush talk is driving me crazy.

And blah blah blah. Democrats are going to rape your women and even make boys get abortions. That’s just how they roll.

Were the Republicans done there? Oh, hell no. Don’t you people understand Obama’s going to put people in concentration camps?

Word. "Arbeit Macht Frei," is German slogan that was on the gates of several of the Nazis' concentration camps, including Auschwitz. Then he threw in a link about the Soviet’s forced labor. Asking for community participation is so very much like the Soviets and Nazis, I can barely stand it. To be specific, this is what he is talking about.

CLASSROOM CORPS!!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How about you Asshole Fuckfaces let him get into office and start a war before you start calling him a Nazi.

Next up, some Alaskan Asshole Fuckfacery.

I had no idea Alaska was the most fucked up and pathetic state in the nation. But after getting a glimpse of the hellhole because of Sarah Palin, Senator Ted Stevens and Congressman Don Young, I am amazed at the horrible corruptionfest Alaska has become. What a shitty excuse for a state and an even shittier excuse for lawmakers. This week, they decided just to steal their little election.

Yeah, that’s weird. Wonder how that happened? Let’s see, while the rest of the nation was voting in huge numbers on Tuesday and Alaska had seen a 12.4 percent increase in voters during the primaries, suddenly voters just dropped off the map. Never mind that the primary increase was seen BEFORE Palin was on the ticket, they just decided not to show up with their own governor as the VP candidate. Oh, and that wasn’t all.

New felon Stevens was down by huge margins in the latest polls, across the board. Same goes for Don Young. But they won!

Republicans, of course, said the turnout was low because Obama was declared president at 7:15 pm, before polls closed. And the Republican victories just happened to be across the board.

Huh. Yeah, that’s just a crazy coincidence. Thankfully, whatever kind of shit they pulled on election day may not work because of still yet to be counted early and absentee votes.

This is the same state that had more people voting in some districts than registered voters in 2004. After the Democratic Party sued to get the election data, Alaska refused to give it up because of “national security” concerns. Fuck off, you corrupt Asshole Fuckfaces. I now agree with the Alaskan Independence Party. Please secede from the United States.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckface cobweb cleaning.

Galen Winchell of Georgia was tired of looking at those cobwebs on his house. And he’s an Asshole Fuckface. A normal guy would have used a broom. Not Galen.

How'd this start?

Uh, I don't know.

Is that a blow torch in your hand?

Uh huh.

Did that start the fire?

Nah, I was just using it to clear cobwebs.

I can’t believe that didn’t work out. That’s what Home Depot says to do with torches.

I assume they were happy because the cobweb problem had been taken care of.

Also, don’t use it to cut your hair. Or to clean the upholstery in your car. Or to clean you skin. Or to groom your dog. Or to heat your fish tank.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.