News > Politics > How The Election Will Happen

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TUESDAY NOVEMBER 4 2008 12:00 PM

This is what will occur today. There will be no deviating from this prediction. I am NostradaReaper.

In order of when the states are called:

Kentucky goes first to McCain.
New Hampshire and Vermont go to Obama.
South Carolina goes to McCain.

The first hammer drops: Virginia goes to Obama.

Everyone is freaking out because Indiana is still too close to call. Someone at Fox News goes out for a bottle of scotch.

Hammer #2: Florida goes to Obama.

Election is declared over for McCain by the pundits at 8:30 pm.

Georgia and West Virginia go to McCain.
Hammer #3: Ohio goes to Obama.

Nobody notices the total absence of Ann Coulter on the news anymore.

Alabama, Kansas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas and Tennessee go to McCain.

Many Christians think Jesus is turning this shit around. They are wrong but what else is new?

Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Illinois, all of Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey and Pennsylvania go to Obama.

Its so over. Obama cracks a beer. So do his daughters.

Then come the surprises.

North Carolina, Indiana and North Dakota go to Obama. Pundits are talking Reagan. A couple think, Hes the black Reagan, but nobody says it out loud.

Arkansas goes to McCain. No one really notices.

Lou Dobbs brings up Obamas illegal immigrant aunt.

Louisiana, Nebraska, South Dakota and Wyoming are immediately called for McCain. But, wait, theres a surprise. Obama picks up one electoral vote out of Nebraska. Its the most talked about electoral vote in the history of electoral votes. Chris Mathews shits his pants, bursts a blood vessel in his eyes and starts bleeding from his belly button.

Colorado is a disaster. Lawsuits are filed to keep polls open. Angry Obama supporters who were removed from voter rolls are gathering in the streets. Riot police are called in.

New York, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota and New Mexico are called for Obama. Its a rout. Someone says, Booooyaa.

Missouri too close to call. No one cares. They cant believe what has happened.

Arizona is too close to call. OH MY GOD. Pundits freaking out. McCain might lose his home state.

Iowa and Nevada are called for Obama.

Idaho and Utah are called permanently for white Republicans. They will no longer vote in elections and will always be considered a "gimme."

California, Hawaii, Oregon, Montana and Washington are called for Obama. A white guy in Florida shoots his black neighbor.

Its officially over. The Colorado almost riot turns to a party.

Rush Limbaugh takes another Viagra. He's going to fuck the pain away.

Arizona goes to McCain. No one is paying attention.

Alaska, Missouri and Colorado arent coming in until late in the morning, but nobody cares. Still, they cant believe how close Alaska is.

Sarah Palin makes the most horrifying speech in the history of politics.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

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Comments

CoyoteMike

Iowa City, IA

May 2006

NOV 04, 2008 12:03 PM

You have no idea how much that one little electoral vote would mean to the liberal minority here in Nebraska. We have never had any say in anything. And while one vote won't make a difference (come on 300+ electorals) it would give us some small measure of validation.

AbeVigoda

Portland, OR

August 2003

NOV 04, 2008 12:13 PM

You forgot: All Franken is elected Senator from Minnesota - Rush Limbaugh takes 27 Oxycontins, chases them with an entire bottle of 100 year old single malt.

Quirky

Birmingham, AL

October 2005

NOV 04, 2008 12:17 PM

HAHA!

jknowledge

I'm lost

February 2006

NOV 04, 2008 12:26 PM

I saw Lou Dobbs chasing Obama's aunt down the lake shore dr yesterday with huge grin and his combover flapping in the breeze.

meatpieboy

Korea, D.P.R.

June 2004

NOV 04, 2008 12:37 PM

I do believe you've got it.

Heigai

Columbus, OH

May 2004

NOV 04, 2008 12:42 PM

I am praying to all those deities in whom I do not believe for "Hammer #3."

Also, as far as "Black Reagan," Lou Dobbs had a graphic with his face that said "Teflon Obama" last night. I think it's apt, and it's been the better part of thirty years coming for the "other side" to feel that oh-so-special burn.

Been a loser my entire voting life (voted 3rd party--not Perot--92 and 96) and right now it feels pretty fuckin' good.

OhSoOrdinary

New York, NY

July 2006

NOV 04, 2008 12:42 PM

I'll pee my pants if Obama wins Arizona. I want it to happen.

elysianfielder

Los Angeles, CA

March 2003

NOV 04, 2008 12:46 PM

Good call on the one electoral vote coming out of North Omaha. In a tighter election (assuming this one's not) that could have meant everything. When I read about Obama establishing a field office in Omaha a few months back, I became convinced he's a genius. That, plus deciding to go after Virginia, plus picking Scranton-born working class Catholic Joe Biden, who is doing just enough to thwart McCain's only chance, which is to take Pennsylvania. Obama and his staff were playing chess while McCain was playing checkers, and not very well.

My beers stay on ice until I hear that 1. Virginia (or North Carolina or Florida) and 2. Pennsylvania are safely in Obama's column.