• commentary
  • SATURDAY OCTOBER 18 2008 6:00 AM

Asshole Fuckface Roundup #68

This was a stellar week for Asshole Fuckfacing. They really should be proud of themselves. Asshole Fuckfaces have been at it since the dawn of time. The very first Asshole Fuckface was actually the serpent in the Garden of Eden. What a prick. Unfortunately, there was no one to write it down, so we don’t know what happened. Years later, my people were assigned to write the Asshole Fuckface Roundup every week. My father’s father’s father, Seamus Reaper, actually was the first to coin the phrase, “Put on your man bibs, this is going to be ugly.” In honor of Seamus, put on your man bibs.

First up, some AM radio Asshole Fuckfacery.

Chris Baker and Langdon Perry are a couple of conservative radio hosts in Minneapolis. Last week, they were having a robust and thoughtful conversation about health care. At one point, a caller claimed that health care is not a right. That’s when their brains started working.

Perry responded by asking about treatable diseases that a person can live with for a long time "if you just get some basic drugs."

Baker responded, "Like Magic Johnson?"

Perry replied, "Like Magic with his faked AIDS. Magic faked AIDS."

Baker said, "You think Magic faked AIDS for sympathy?"

Perry replied, "I'm convinced that Magic faked AIDS."

"Me too," Baker said.



No, shit. Thank God someone finally said this out loud. Goddamn AIDS faker. Why wouldn’t he? I mean, it was such a bonanza for him, the way it ended his career and all. He’s like the AIDS cash cow, soaking up all that AIDS money and living during a time when people were afraid to shake his hand. Everyone was faking AIDS in 1992. I mean, I had AIDs in 1992, but not 1994, you know what I’m sayin?

A Minneapolis radio station says it will air public service announcements on HIV/AIDS after a pair of talk hosts accused Magic Johnson of faking AIDS.



Hey, thanks. Be sure to include the part about people not faking AIDS.

Next up, some lady Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.

Diane Fedele, president of the highly respected Chaffey Community Republican Women, Federated, sends out a newsletter to her members. This months was a doosey. It included a hilarious spin on Obama’s comment that he "doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills." Hell, no, he looks like the dude on the food stamps.



Well. Just let that soak in for a few minutes. There’s a watermelon, some fried chicken, some ribs and some cool-aid. And it’s all on a food stamp. Although, she still felt the need to explain it, in case it was too subtle.

"Obama talks about all those presidents that got their names on bills. If elected, what bill would he be on????? Food Stamps, what else!"



HA! He’s black! I get it! But now, Diane says she didn’t mean any harm.

"I didn't see it the way that it's being taken. I never connected," she said. "It was just food to me. It didn't mean anything else."



Yes. Just food. That is all. None of the food on the food stamp has any sort of meaning. It’s simply for nourishment.

Sheila Reines, a black member of the Republican group, was upset.

"This is what keeps African-Americans from joining the Republican Party," she said. "I'm really hurt. I cried for 45 minutes."



Um. Yeah. That’s what keeps African-Americans from joining the Party. Not all the policies and whatnot. Also, what the fuck are you doing?

Next up, some Floridian Asshole Fuckfacery.

Joseph Prudente is a 66-year-old grandpa who has lived in a restricted community called Beacon Woods since 1998. But things have not been going well for Joe. His mortgage just shot up $600 month, his Toyota was repossessed and his daughter had to move in because she is having trouble, too.

Beacon Woods requires homeowners to keep their laws green. But Joe didn’t have the money to sod it and repair his broken sprinklers. The Beacon Woods Civic Association sent letters, explaining he must resod by a specific date. Joe couldn’t. He explained to the association his financial situation. The Asshole Fuckface association didn’t care.

"To me, keeping the house is more important than the grass," said Prudente, a retired registered nurse from New York. "I just ignored them."



So, they took him to court. In May, Asshole Fuckface Circuit Judge W. Lowell Bray handed down a court order giving Prudente 30 days to sod the yard. But that was going to be difficult, because he had no money.

The association kept at it.

In June, the court also awarded the association $795 in fees, which included a $645 attorney's fees and a $150 fee for "an expert witness."



Well, that should take care of the guy who can’t afford to sod his lawn. And they kept at him.

By September, there was still no sod. Bray found Prudente in contempt of court, but said in his order that Prudente could "purge himself of this contempt" by doing the required work within the next 30 days.



Of course, Joe now was finding it even more difficult to sod the yard, with all the fines and whatnot. So, the deadline passed. Then they did the unthinkable.

On Friday morning, Joseph Prudente put on a pair of shorts and his "Grandpa Gone Wild" T-shirt. He took off his wedding band and put his heart medication in a plastic Wal-Mart bag.

Then his daughter drove him to jail. Grandpa had time to do.



Oh, well, that should get the lawn work done. Fuck you, poor guy!

His bail? Zero.

Prudente, 66, must stay in the Pasco County jail in Land O'Lakes until the required sod work is completed.

Representatives of the Beacon Woods association expressed regret Prudente had landed in jail. But they said it was his own fault.

"It's a sad situation," said board president Bob Ryan, who added that the association had followed all the correct procedures. "But in the end, I have to say he brought it upon himself."



Hopefully Bob will be eaten by an alligator.

Finally, some the National Review can always be counted on for some Asshole Fuckfacery.

Yesterday, Ed Whelan wrote a little blog about how Barack Obama should thank his lucky stars he was not aborted.

Nearly 48 years ago, a young woman, not yet 18, became pregnant in her freshman year of college. Living in a time and place in which abortion was generally illegal, she proceeded to marry the father of her child and gave birth to a son. Perhaps she would have done so irrespective of the abortion laws at the time, even if, say, she lived in a legal culture that celebrated abortion as a fundamental right.



That reminds me, I’m having an Abortion is Rad potluck this Friday, come on by whenever.

Very possibly not. (I haven’t found any statistics on the percentage of pregnant college freshmen who abort their pregnancies, but indirect indications suggest that it’s very high.)



Oh, so you have zero stats, but “indirect indications” (your friends) say it’s really up there. Gotcha. So, having not spoken to Barack’s dead mother, Ed has concluded her morality would have led to an abortion.

Barack Obama may actually believe, as he stated yesterday, that Roe v. Wade “was rightly decided.” But it may be very lucky for him, as the son born of that woman, that it hadn’t been decided a dozen or so years earlier.



Oh, shit yeah. How dare he be against something when he has no idea whether or not it would have affected his life.

That Obama may owe his very life to a pre-Roe legal regime that banned abortion is, to be sure, not necessarily a reason that he should favor that regime. But it ought to lead Obama and others to think more carefully about the valuable role that protective abortion laws play.



Here, here. What an amazing argument you’ve laid out, based on nothing. I also have one: What if abortions were done on a sort of Russian roulette basis. Now, here me out, because I am one of those pro-abortion, celebration people. (Did I mention I’m having a Go Abortion! pool party next weekend? Swimming, barbeque and abortions on the deck. Bring a suit!)

Russian Roulette Abortion would mean that when a woman found out they were pregnant, she would have to go into a lottery and if she were picked, she would get an abortion. If we had implemented this program in the 40s, George Bush may never have been born and over a million people would be alive today. Just something to think about, since we are making shit up and pulling it out of our assholes.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

 

Previous

PAGE: 

1 | 2

Next

Comments
OpticNerve

OpticNerve

Arlington, MA
November 2003

OCT 18, 2008 06:29 AM

You know, I'm kind of surprised that no media outlet I've listened to or watched, outside of NPR, has taken the McCain campaign to task for using surrogates to imply that being a Muslim is wrong. Outlets like ABC were calling the whisper campaign accusing Obama of being a secret Muslim a 'smear campaign', thereby implying being a Muslim is a liability. If the campaign had been about Obama being a secret Jew, there would have been cries of anti-Semitism from all quarters.

I have to say, for a country that likes to call itself a tolerant society, you sure do a lot of scape-goating.

Tarqu1n

Tarqu1n

Victoria, BC
February 2005

OCT 18, 2008 07:29 AM

OpticNerve said:
You know, I'm kind of surprised that no media outlet I've listened to or watched, outside of NPR, has taken the McCain campaign to task for using surrogates to imply that being a Muslim is wrong. Outlets like ABC were calling the whisper campaign accusing Obama of being a secret Muslim a 'smear campaign', thereby implying being a Muslim is a liability. If the campaign had been about Obama being a secret Jew, there would have been cries of anti-Semitism from all quarters.

I have to say, for a country that likes to call itself a tolerant society, you sure do a lot of scape-goating.



MSNBC had a go. Chris Matthews had Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann on to defind why McCain and Palin think guilt by association arguments are such a good thing. She eventually claimed that Barack Obama and his wife Michelle held anti-American views and couldn't be trusted in the White House.


Here is the Huffington Post summary with videos.

Welcome back to McCartyism!

Thankfully, there is now a campaign to censure Bachmann.

After watching the interview I would like to ask if we can add her to the Asshole Fuckface list for the week.

adarity

adarity

I'm lost
May 2008

OCT 18, 2008 07:41 AM

you left out a ridiculous part of the Obama on a food stamp story


the woman claimed that she couldn't be racist because she'd supported alan keyes.

i love this country.

Varuka_Salt

Varuka_Salt

I'm lost
October 2006

OCT 18, 2008 07:42 AM

Of course, if the McCain campaign claimed that Obama was a secret atheist, there'd be no problem at all.

ardour

ardour

Canada
March 2006

OCT 18, 2008 08:19 AM

I've never understood the "But you could have been aborted!!" argument. It just seems so totally irrelevant.

That woman who made the food stamps is fooling no one.

whiskeyface

whiskeyface

Lakewood, OH
September 2004

OCT 18, 2008 09:05 AM

whats wrong with the food stamp thing i like KFC, cool-aide, and watermelon and im white i just dont see the racist connection ...... oh wait are those pork ribs.... what a bitch!! tongue




P.S. sarcasm dosent always come across in print media so i would like to state that this comment is funny.... thank you!

HoneyBadger

HoneyBadger

USA
July 2006

OCT 18, 2008 09:30 AM

Rusty_metal_ass said:
Of course, if the McCain campaign claimed that Obama was a secret atheist, there'd be no problem at all.



The funny thing is, I think, or at least hope, many prominent Democrats are secret atheists. You just can't make it to the upper echelon of American politics without loving ole Jesus a whole lot.

ryan5892

ryan5892

Wilmington, NC
October 2008

OCT 18, 2008 09:43 AM

wow, there putting people in jail for being poor now, i better watch out, fuck.

Varuka_Salt

Varuka_Salt

I'm lost
October 2006

OCT 18, 2008 10:01 AM

deanmoriarty said:

Rusty_metal_ass said:
Of course, if the McCain campaign claimed that Obama was a secret atheist, there'd be no problem at all.



The funny thing is, I think, or at least hope, many prominent Democrats are secret atheists. You just can't make it to the upper echelon of American politics without loving ole Jesus a whole lot.



I think that there are many people who only go through the motions of religion in order not to be ostracized, or in order to keep their social circles and status. I think the amount of "true believers" is most likely incredibly low. I can't think of anyone personally who claims to be religious than follows all of the mandates of their particular religion. At my former church (catholic), I know for a fact that almost every single married couple was using some form of birth control, even though they are all (except for totally ineffective methods, such as the rhythm method) expressly forbidden by the catholic church. Some people can live with the hypocrisy, I couldn't. To each his own, I guess.

I agree that there is no way in hell (pun intended) that a politician could get elected in the US, especially in a national election, without pandering to the religious, and completely ignoring us non-believers. Even stating that atheism is in any way legitimate would be political suicide.

ericwine

ericwine

Charlotte Hall, MD
January 2007

OCT 18, 2008 12:22 PM

That's why homeowner's associations (i.e. busybody neighbors with too much time on their hands) should be banned nationwide. Though their asshole fuckfacery is usually confined to telling people they can't build tree houses for their kids and stuff like that.
I don't know about Diana Fedele, but whoever made that Obama Bucks thing had to know what they were doing.

Heigai

Heigai

Columbus, OH
May 2004

OCT 18, 2008 01:16 PM

Dude, indirect indications, like, indicate that it's really fuckin' lucky for, like, Hitler or whatever that I wasn't standin' right there with like body armor and Predator inviso-field and an uzi or whatever. But I wasn't born in the future so I could have a time machine and go back and do that, y'know? So he was just lucky to be able to be alive and free to have the opinion "mein gott ich dan't want ter get schott ACH!"

On the serious: This is just a very specific example of the "you're an atheist; you don't have morals" misunderstanding.

Shove it up your bible-hole, Ed Whelan and National Review. The worst thing about that spooky canard "Liberal-controlled Washington! Oowooooowoooo!!!" is that it won't be liberal-controlled. Look back at the records to see how effectively Democrats could lock up plenty of votes or even get them decided correctly prior to Contract On America. Who thinks that the ugly side of the Repub minority won't be able to get some play? Ridiculous. Based on stats, why should we think that the Democrat (not "Liiiiberaaaal boo hoo hoo") -controlled government would stay that way? I'm pretty well convinced that Obama is going to win this election. I'm also convinced that he's going to have to pull Harvey the Rabbit (or *shudder* Frank) out of his very ass in public to get a second term. I honestly believe that. With four years to crack the whip, produce a dream team, and get a late-season "came out of her sequestered retreat/vacay in the Alaskan forest" blessing from Palin, and it's '84 all over again. Not in analogy, only in scale. I think Obama wins a decent majority in November (I'll be honest; I'm not seeing how fivethirtyeight is calling it like that) but gets creamed in 2012. I also feel confident that there are all sorts of things that he can do and do well not solely if he "only" gets four years, but because I know that he can do things well enough to win in 2012. It's just a lot of time for the freshly-born Karl Roves of the world to drop out of college to begin running their college's College Republicans. biggrin

hk85

hk85

Guerneville, CA
October 2007

OCT 18, 2008 01:50 PM


Prudente, 66, must stay in the Pasco County jail in Land O'Lakes until the required sod work is completed.



Has anyone started a fund for this guy?

SeanTPoindexter

SeanTPoindexter

Joplin, MO
February 2008

OCT 18, 2008 01:51 PM

We all know the REAL reason Magic Johnson faked having AIDS...its the same reason any of us fake having AIDS: for the ladies.

Seriously, when the bitches find out you be packin' the HIV, they all be lined up out the door for a meaty dose of your toxic man-milk.

Varuka_Salt

Varuka_Salt

I'm lost
October 2006

OCT 18, 2008 04:53 PM

hk85 said:


Prudente, 66, must stay in the Pasco County jail in Land O'Lakes until the required sod work is completed.



Has anyone started a fund for this guy?



UPDATE: He has been released

Some people who aren't scum sucking pieces of shit came and helped him out.

EDIT: Here's a copy of the email I sent them.



We're in the middle of a drought, and an economic recession, and you force some man who is just trying to survive to go to JAIL for a brown lawn? I read your sickening rationalization of your heinous actions and am further disgusted by your total lack of sympathy and unrepentance for your sickening actions. How do you sleep at night? You are sub-human. Every one of you on the board.

Varuka_Salt

Varuka_Salt

I'm lost
October 2006

OCT 18, 2008 05:34 PM

Here's the names and email addresses, which were publicly listed on their association website, and a picture of the dickholes that thought a brown lawn was reason to send an old man to jail.

Let them know what you think, and use a disposable email address so they can't harass you.


Seated: Mike Miller, Tom Pohl, Bob Ryan and Denise Randall
Standing: Helmut Meier, Iggy Rodriquez, Carl Spoeth, Jim Gilligan and Ann Bunting


zoom image

2008 BOARD MEMBERS

President - Bob Ryan
Committee Chair: Publicity/Communications
president@bwcai.org

Vice President - Tom Pohl
Committee Chair: Special Events & Dances
vp@bwcai.org

Secretary - Mike Miller
Committee Chair: Deed Restrictions
secretary@bwcai.org

Treasurer - Denise Randall
Committee Chair: Operating House
treasurer@bwcai.org

Director - Ann Bunting
Committee Chair: Adult Activities
adult@bwcai.org

Director - Jim Gilligan
Committee Chair: Building & Grounds
bg@bwcai.org

Director - Helmut Meier
Committee Chair: Architectural Review
ar@bwcai.org

Director - Ignacio Rodriguez
Committee Chair: Youth Activities
youth@bwcai.org

Director - Carl Spoeth
Committee Chair: Public Affairs
publicaffairs@bwcai.org

Previous

PAGE: 

1 | 2

Next