This was a stellar week for Asshole Fuckfacing. They really should be proud of themselves. Asshole Fuckfaces have been at it since the dawn of time. The very first Asshole Fuckface was actually the serpent in the Garden of Eden. What a prick. Unfortunately, there was no one to write it down, so we don’t know what happened. Years later, my people were assigned to write the Asshole Fuckface Roundup every week. My father’s father’s father, Seamus Reaper, actually was the first to coin the phrase, “Put on your man bibs, this is going to be ugly.” In honor of Seamus, put on your man bibs.

First up, some AM radio Asshole Fuckfacery.

Chris Baker and Langdon Perry are a couple of conservative radio hosts in Minneapolis. Last week, they were having a robust and thoughtful conversation about health care. At one point, a caller claimed that health care is not a right. That’s when their brains started working.

No, shit. Thank God someone finally said this out loud. Goddamn AIDS faker. Why wouldn’t he? I mean, it was such a bonanza for him, the way it ended his career and all. He’s like the AIDS cash cow, soaking up all that AIDS money and living during a time when people were afraid to shake his hand. Everyone was faking AIDS in 1992. I mean, I had AIDs in 1992, but not 1994, you know what I’m sayin?

Hey, thanks. Be sure to include the part about people not faking AIDS.

Next up, some lady Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.

Diane Fedele, president of the highly respected Chaffey Community Republican Women, Federated, sends out a newsletter to her members. This months was a doosey. It included a hilarious spin on Obama’s comment that he "doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills." Hell, no, he looks like the dude on the food stamps.



Well. Just let that soak in for a few minutes. There’s a watermelon, some fried chicken, some ribs and some cool-aid. And it’s all on a food stamp. Although, she still felt the need to explain it, in case it was too subtle.

HA! He’s black! I get it! But now, Diane says she didn’t mean any harm.

Yes. Just food. That is all. None of the food on the food stamp has any sort of meaning. It’s simply for nourishment.

Sheila Reines, a black member of the Republican group, was upset.

Um. Yeah. That’s what keeps African-Americans from joining the Party. Not all the policies and whatnot. Also, what the fuck are you doing?

Next up, some Floridian Asshole Fuckfacery.

Joseph Prudente is a 66-year-old grandpa who has lived in a restricted community called Beacon Woods since 1998. But things have not been going well for Joe. His mortgage just shot up $600 month, his Toyota was repossessed and his daughter had to move in because she is having trouble, too.

Beacon Woods requires homeowners to keep their laws green. But Joe didn’t have the money to sod it and repair his broken sprinklers. The Beacon Woods Civic Association sent letters, explaining he must resod by a specific date. Joe couldn’t. He explained to the association his financial situation. The Asshole Fuckface association didn’t care.

So, they took him to court. In May, Asshole Fuckface Circuit Judge W. Lowell Bray handed down a court order giving Prudente 30 days to sod the yard. But that was going to be difficult, because he had no money.

The association kept at it.

Well, that should take care of the guy who can’t afford to sod his lawn. And they kept at him.

Of course, Joe now was finding it even more difficult to sod the yard, with all the fines and whatnot. So, the deadline passed. Then they did the unthinkable.

Oh, well, that should get the lawn work done. Fuck you, poor guy!

Hopefully Bob will be eaten by an alligator.

Finally, some the National Review can always be counted on for some Asshole Fuckfacery.

Yesterday, Ed Whelan wrote a little blog about how Barack Obama should thank his lucky stars he was not aborted.

That reminds me, I’m having an Abortion is Rad potluck this Friday, come on by whenever.

Oh, so you have zero stats, but “indirect indications” (your friends) say it’s really up there. Gotcha. So, having not spoken to Barack’s dead mother, Ed has concluded her morality would have led to an abortion.

Oh, shit yeah. How dare he be against something when he has no idea whether or not it would have affected his life.

Here, here. What an amazing argument you’ve laid out, based on nothing. I also have one: What if abortions were done on a sort of Russian roulette basis. Now, here me out, because I am one of those pro-abortion, celebration people. (Did I mention I’m having a Go Abortion! pool party next weekend? Swimming, barbeque and abortions on the deck. Bring a suit!)

Russian Roulette Abortion would mean that when a woman found out they were pregnant, she would have to go into a lottery and if she were picked, she would get an abortion. If we had implemented this program in the 40s, George Bush may never have been born and over a million people would be alive today. Just something to think about, since we are making shit up and pulling it out of our assholes.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.