• commentary
  • SUNDAY OCTOBER 5 2008 9:30 PM

The King Orders You To Vote!

Louis, by the grace of God, King of France and Navarre, to all US citizens, greeting from the year 1708:



You might wonder why I am writing this article - I, the Sun King, symbol of absolute royal power, and certainly anything but an advocate of democracy. But my position, as well as my long experience as a statesman, may give me a somewhat outside view of how you handle democracy in the States. And let me tell me you, you’re doing it wrong. Not all of you, but one third of you US citizens.

Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not questioning democracy itself. Personally I’m not a big fan of giving the power to the people, but that’s not the question here. You wanted the power, you got it, and you are proud of it. You call it “freedom,” but please, those of you who are not sure whether you will vote on November 4, tell me one thing:

Did you really think that power comes without duty?

In my kingdom, all power is concentrated on my person. I didn’t ask for it; I was born into this job. But I have the power, and with the power comes the duty to use it. And believe me, absolute power is hard work. All evening I sit at my desk reading documents, folders, reports, maps, history books, acts, letters, legislative proposals, and I make decisions – sometimes hard decisions, difficult decisions, cruel decisions. Do you think revoking the Edict of Nantes was an easy decision? Do you think making France a European superpower was easy?

I often have to decide between a bad thing and another bad thing. Take the War of the Spanish Succession: In 1701, I had to choose between loosing Spain and going to war. I didn’t like either of these options, but a decision had to be made. I decided to go to war. Was it a good decision? I don’t know. But I had to decide.

Sometimes I’m tired of making decisions. Sometimes I would like to abandon this job. But I can’t. It’s my duty, the duty God gave me, my duty for France. The duty that comes with power.

What do you think would happen if I neglected this duty? If I did nothing? There is no need to speculate over this question – all you have to do is to open a French history book at a chapter on Louis XVI, my grand-grand-grand-grandson. He did nothing. He waited for history to happen without his intervention.

And history did happen – it steamrolled him. You all know what begun in 1789: The French Revolution, the end of the monarchy and the prelude to the reign of terror of Robespierre. Whereas I personally regret the end of the Ancient Régime, I don’t really feel bad about the fact that Louis XVI was beheaded – he deserved it. The only thing I regret is that he wasn’t beheaded in a slower, more painful way. When I meet him in afterlife, the first question I will ask him will be:

Did you really think that power comes without duty?

Of course, absolute monarchy is certainly not the only way to rule a country. Look at my kingdom’s neighbour, the Holy Roman Empire – what later will be known as Germany. Ever since the Peace of Westphalia, the Emperor has been bound to the decisions of the Council of Princes (Reichstag). Furthermore, he is not crowned by the grace of god, but elected by prince-electors. (At least in theory, as in fact the House of Habsburg has secured succession since the 15th century.) What would happen if a new Emperor needed to be elected if most of the prince-electors were too lazy to vote? It would be a mess. The Emperor would be elected by two or three random electors – no, not exactly random electors, but the most fanatical or ambitious prince-electors. You can imagine what kind of Emperor they would elect. And the other prince-electors who didn’t use their power to elect a wise and reasonable Emperor would then have to consider that same question:

Did you really think that power comes without duty?

In your time, prince-electors and Sun Kings are history. In many countries, the power is in the hands of the people – in your hands. You asked for it, you got it, and you are proud of it. But what do you do with it? Use it and go vote? Or throw it away, stay on your chaise longue, drink chocolate and watch your television apparatus too see who is elected by some random people? Your opinion is not required for every political decision – that would be a mess – and I’m sure you often are not happy with the decisions. But once in a while, on Election Day, you are asked for your opinion. Do you answer? Did you on last election?

In 2004, the voter turnout in the US was only 64%. That means, one out of three US Citizens was too lazy to vote! Seriously, people! Can you imagine one out of three prince electors not voting? Can you imagine me leaving one out of three decisions to random? That’s ridiculous! A state led by such lazy people would turn into a mess before long – as France did in 1789.

If you don’t give your opinion when you are asked for it, you can’t blame politicians for not doing what you would like them to do later on. If I don’t care who conducts the royal string orchestra, I can’t complain about the music. If I don’t care who's appointed court chef, I can’t complain about the food. If I don’t care who gets the Superintendent of Finance gig, I can’t complain if the treasury is empty. It’s the same with politics: If you don’t care who rules your country, you can’t complain if they do a bad job. In other words: Either you get your ass off the chaise longue, put your wig on and go vote – or you shut up and don’t complain about politics for the next four years!

If you wait for history to happen without your intervention, it may steamroll you and your family, as it steamrolled Louis XVI and his family – and you won’t have the right to complain, because it will be you who will not have stopped it. It will be your fault.

Maybe you don’t like any of the candidates. Maybe it’s like losing Spain or starting a war. But a decision has to be made – and there's no king to decide for you. The king is gone - you chased him off in 1776. Now it’s your turn to decide.

So it’s not only your right to vote – it’s your duty. And don’t complain! The whole voting thing wasn’t my idea – certainly not! It was yours. You asked for power. You got it. Now you have to live with it.

Did you really think that power comes without duty?

Given at Versailles in the month of October, in the year of grace 1708, and of our reign the sixty sixth.

 

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Comments
TheFuckOffKid

TheFuckOffKid

NEWSWIRE

Australia

OCT 05, 2008 10:19 PM

Ha!

dholokov

dholokov

Toronto, ON
April 2003

OCT 05, 2008 10:25 PM

Don't trust anything that an 18th century frenchman tells you, America! He's only doing it to undermine Britain!

TheFuckOffKid

TheFuckOffKid

NEWSWIRE

Australia

OCT 05, 2008 10:27 PM

dholokov said:
Don't trust anything that an 18th century frenchman tells you, America! He's only doing it to undermine Britain!



He'll be telling them they need to have a regular Question Time next.

_kungfoo_

_kungfoo_

Los Angeles, CA
April 2005

OCT 05, 2008 10:29 PM

Somebody give this man a weekly opinion spot in the NY Times. They've got some hack filling in that could stand to be set adrift already.

Bill_the_Cat

Bill_the_Cat

New Zealand
May 2005

OCT 05, 2008 10:39 PM

Having perused Your Most Royal Majesties excellent epistle one is left with but a single question: Can one vote for a King? For I know where my choice might lay.

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

OCT 05, 2008 11:01 PM

brilliant!

is it proper to vote without a wig though?

meatpieboy

meatpieboy

Korea, D.P.R.
June 2004

OCT 05, 2008 11:20 PM

DevilsReject said:
brilliant!

is it proper to vote without a wig though?



You'll be fine if you're a land-owner.

_margot_

_margot_

Los Angeles, CA
December 2007

OCT 05, 2008 11:24 PM

Bravo, sir.

RudieCantFail

RudieCantFail

I'm lost
January 2006

OCT 06, 2008 03:39 AM

Best. Editorial. EVAR.

scylis

scylis

USA
November 2004

OCT 06, 2008 03:50 AM

RudieCantFail said:
Best. Editorial. EVAR.



MAD FUCKING PROBS BAD ASS REPORT!

seriously, though, nice article, Dauphin of Viennois.

Chainlink

Chainlink

Key West, FL
August 2005

OCT 06, 2008 06:51 AM

Long live the King !

Quella

Quella

USA
July 2008

OCT 06, 2008 06:55 AM



THIS King also says VOTE!

X_Racer_X

X_Racer_X

Philadelphia, PA
July 2008

OCT 06, 2008 06:57 AM

Off with his head ! skull



skull skull

Chainlink

Chainlink

Key West, FL
August 2005

OCT 06, 2008 06:59 AM


Here comes the Sun (King)



It's alright.

J24U

J24U

Danvers, MA
February 2006

OCT 06, 2008 07:09 AM

Your majesty just isn't around the boards enough these days. Great editorial sir.

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