This week was an avalanche of Asshole Fuckfacery and I’m glad you survived. I know you survived because you are reading this. That’s how alive works. The Republican Convention was like an Asshole Fuckface explosion and we should just all be thankful a hellmouth did not open in Minnesota. After seeing all the attention given to the governor from Alaska, we at the Roundup have decided never to utter her name again. Henceforth, the governor will be called by her proper name, The Female George Bush. Never has so much Asshole Fuckfacery been squeezed into one human being. The Asshole Fuckface Roundup sees a very evil future for The Female George Bush and expects her to make many appearances in the Roundup, so for now she will be ignored. But there are many other Asshole Fuckfaces slithering around the Earth and I have selected the worst of the worst for you to gawk at. So, put on your favorite plastic horse blanket because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some genuine pathetic Asshole Fuckfacery from Hollywood.

There was a time when David Zucker made good movies, like Airplane. That time was known as the 80s. Now David is an old Asshole Fuckface who wouldn’t know funny if was jammed into his head with an ice pick. Oh, and Zucker is conservative. And he has decided to make a conservative comedy movie. Plug up your asshole, because this could actually cause you to involuntarily release.



“Island paradise Cuba.” Get it! It’s communist, which is NOT paradisey. At all. Because it’s COMMUNIST. Get it?

“I love America, that’s why it needs to be destroyed.” Ha ha ha. You know why that’s funny? Because there is not a hint of satire, wit, a twist or irony, it’s just exactly what the right wing thinks of him. Get it? It’s kind of how a 4th grader would write comedy. Just go look at You Tube and you’ll see some similar stuff made by grammar school kids.

Moore is going to “abolish July 4th!” Weeeeeeeeeeee.

Here’s the thing about comedy. Funny first, point second. Not point first, second, third, forth and fifth, then comedy sixth.

Oh, and the more hitting, falling down and slapping the better the comedy. We all learned that from Dane Cook’s comedy masterpiece Good Luck Chuck.

Next up, some Pakistani Asshole Fuckfacery.

If you have a vagina, I hope you are not born in the remote Pakistani village of Baba Kot. Turns out some teenage girls in the village decided they wanted to choose their own husbands. Can you image? The gall, thinking they are human beings.

The local Asshole Fuckfaces took care of the teenagers.

That pretty much defines the term “overkill.” Can it get worse? Hell yes, it’s Pakistan!

Um. Burying teenage girls alive is sort of an immoral act. Just a tip, you disturbing, backwards Asshole Fuckface.

A “big fuss?” Would it be a “big fuss” to cut off your cock and shove it in your mouth? Because that is how I would like to shut you up.

Next up, our own religious lunatic Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a plan for the next president.

All across the Christian blogosphere, people are thrilled that the Female George Bush is the Republican nominee. But they still don’t like John McCain, so what to do? How about pray for him to win and then die? That’s what crazy anti-abortionist John Rogers is saying.

“To imprecate” means to invoke evil upon, or curse. Before Rogers’ blog started to get attention, he actually said, “Pray for McCain’s death.” He has since changed it to “imprecatory prayers.” Here are some imprecator Psalms from the bible.

I guess any of those will do for McCain. Then there’s this guy and his photoshopping skills.



Heyooooooo! That’s some SERIOUS Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it’s a solid idea. Hope that works out for you, and good luck with your future challenges.

The Lord has provided you with many temptations, Asshole Fuckface. And he attempted to provide everyone else with those temptations.

Obviously, he’s got a good head on his shoulders. I fell for a lie of false erections 7 times last week.

Next up, Fox News Asshole Fuckfacery.



No, actually, not a coincidence.

The definition you are looking for is this:

Finally, some good old fashioned southern Asshole Fuckfacing.

Republican Congressman Lynn Westmoreland has just about had it with Barack Obama trying to act like he's equal to white people.

At that point the reporter he was talking to gave him the opportunity to clear up his horrible, racist comment. And he passed.

Then a day went by and the AP asked Westmoreland what the fuck was up with the “uppity” comment?

Yeah, obviously. What white guy from the Georgia would know “uppity” was an offensive comment? What a complete and total Asshole Fuckface. Georgia probably invented the word “uppity.” Westmoreland isn’t exactly on the side of African Americans, either.

How's your hood?

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a brand new FearTheReaper saddle!

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.