Wow. Here we are. Who knew we would make it another week and enjoy the horrors of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup together? Sadly, I had much to choose from this week. Some of the Fuckfaces only received a second place nod on my blog. I gathered the rest together so that your eyes may feast on the depths of mankind. And here they are. I’ve scoured the news for the worst people on Earth, so that you may feel better about yourself by looking down on them. So, put on a giant plastic lampshade because this is going to be horrible.

First up, Dubai shows us their Asshole Fuckface skills.

Dubai has gotten a bit of a reputation as a place where the rich go to play. That is all well and good, as long as they aren’t gay. This week Dubai “cracked down” on gay people.

Thank God you Asshole Fuckfaces cracked down on the terrible crime of men wearing women’s clothing, while you walk around in white moo moos. A Dubai paper claimed 40 were arrested. Nobody can explain the difference in the numbers.

Right. That and they arrest people for having less than a grain of salt worth of pot on the sole of their shoe. Here’s a tip: Don’t visit Dubai. Ever.

Next up, our gay hating Asshole Fuckfaces.

South Carolina doesn’t like being called gay. Not at all. A lot of Asshole Fuckfaces in the state are upset with a London Tube ad that claims, "South Carolina is so gay."



The ad was created by a London gay tour operator to encourage tourism to “gay-friendly” areas. I guess that didn’t work out so well.

Republican State Senator David Thomas lost his straight shit.

Right. And it will cause gay confusion.

Dude, beaches don’t have a sexual preference. Just a tip. Also, you are a horribly uptight, straight man who is scared of gay people. How much do you want to bet there are “gay beaches” all over the place and no one told you?

Uh oh. Them’s fightin’ words. Did you just call my beach “gay?” Huh? I’ll kick your ass.

The posters also advertised the gay-friendly cities Atlanta, Boston, Las Vegas, New Orleans and Washington, D.C. No one gave a shit in those cities. But South Carolina refused to pay the $5,000 advertising fee, asked that the posters be removed, and a state employee was forced to resign. Good work.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface needs to stop the party.

Meet Robert Hood, of Caldwell, Texas. He’s 44-years-old and he is just getting the party started. Holy shit is he getting the party started.

Hood was arrested for a DUI on Sunday in Omaha, Nebraska, July 4 in Mitchell, South Dakota, July 7 in Deadwood, South Dakota, and on July 8 in Platte County, Wyoming. I am very impressed by anyone who is arrested two days in a row in two different states for DUI. It’s time for Bobby to get a bumper sticker that says, “Can’t Stop The Party.”

Ready for the good news?

The system works! Seriously, though, a real life Ronnie Dobbs is out there, people. Stay low.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface parents have no boundaries.

Stephanie Martinez was working as a clerk at Pizza Patron in Denton, Texas last weekend. Suddenly, a robber burst in, wearing a wig and sunglasses and said, “Give me the money!” Stephanie began emptying out her register, when the other clerk went Charles Bronson on his ass.

Uh. I’m sorry, what did you say? Turns out the entire family is chock full O’ Asshole Fuckfaces. The wife was also arrested. Oh, and Stephanie sort of knew what was going on.

Oh, that’s cool. Seriously, no worries. As long as she didn’t know it was specifically going to be the pizza place she works at, we’re cool. She sounds like a great woman and nothing like her father.

I’m not.

Stephanie isn’t very close with her father, mostly because of the jail thing.

Really? Well, he just tried to reach out to you; maybe you should give him a chance. Stephanie’s mom, dad and husband were all arrested. Stephanie is free to breed and keep this genetic marvel going.

And, finally, the many Asshole Fuckfaces of the Republican Party.

You know you have taken the wrong position when you have to blatantly lie to get people on your side. The current ridiculous talking point of the right wing is that “not a drop of oil was spilled” during Hurricane Katrina.



It’s obviously a talking point, because they are all saying the exact same line. All of the Asshole Fuckfaces were allowed to repeat a lie on a major news channel without a reporter questioning the validity of their statement. They appeared on CNN, CNN Headline News, Fox Business Network, Fox News, and MSNBC.

Here’s the truth, and I included a pretty picture.



Due to hurricanes Katrina and Rita, there were 124 offshore oil spills that released a total of 743,700 gallons of oil. The largest single spill was 152,250 gallons, which is considered to be a “major spill.” Onshore, there were 595 oil spills. Altogether, 9 million gallons were spilled. Just to compare, the Exxon Valdez spilled 10.8 million gallons.

Nine million gallons or not a drop. Easy mistake to make. Finally, yesterday, one of the only decent journalists in America (who Hillary Clinton tried to get fired) questioned the bullshit talking point.



Jesus. She just lied again to cover for her lie. Spills and seeps cannot be compared.

This is going to be a long summer of Asshole Fuckfacery.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You each win a FearTheReaper leather helmet.