Good for you. I mean it. You survived another week and can now enjoy the fruits of your living: The Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Feel free to take a moment to pinch yourself. The Asshole Fuckface Society of Earth has been pointing out the worst of the worst for centuries. We’ve traced it as far back as Seamus McMickerson, an Irishman who lived during the 890’s. He first coined the term because Patty O’Whitey took a shit in his potato patch. True story. Now the job has been passed to me, FearTheReaper. Every week I scour the news looking for the worst of the worst. I drag them into the light and we laugh at them. It’s pure joy. So, put on your giant turtle shell body because this is going to be ugly.

My first Asshole Fuckface is an entire group of people who decided to take a big crap on a 200-year-old document this week.

Meet the Democratically controlled Congress. They are an amazing bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces. They just obliterated the 4th amendment. They voted to end the NSA spying scandal, to immunize lawbreaking telecoms, to terminate all lawsuits against the telecoms, and, worst of all, to give the president a bunch of new warrantless spying powers. Not bad for a day's work.

Hey, look! Benjamin Franklin thinks you’re a douche, Obama. I just think you’re an Asshole Fuckface.



There is no excuse for what the Democrats have done with this FISA bill. There is no excuse for Obama voting for this bill. It’s not a liberal or conservative position; it’s an American position. Voting for the FISA bill was, quite simply, un-American. And no, I won't be voting for him now. Those who voted for this bill have no valid reasons, all they can do is ridicule those of us who support the Constitution.



Next up, I can always count on Wal-Mart for some horrible Asshole Fuckfacery.

Shawnedria McGinty was shopping at her local Wal-Mart in Texas. Er. Wait. “Shawnedria McGinty?” That’s the most insane name I’ve ever seen. Okay, moving on. Shawnedria was perusing the comic book shelves when she came across a popular Mexican comic book called "Memin Pinguin." She only had one question as she looked at it…

Super question. Let’s take a look and judge for ourselves.



Hey, who's that little fella down wearing the baseball ha... Holy fucking shit! It’s the most racist comic book of all time!

Sounds perfect for Wal-Mart. Look, they understand their shopping clientele – who just happen to enjoy comic books about black people who look like monkeys. Wal-Mart recently began selling the book because the company is a giant Asshole Fuckface, but they have now pulled them off the shelves.

Next up, more racist Asshole Fuckfacery from Republicans.

Many Republicans have no idea that they are horrible, horrible racists. They just think they are being funny, but now that Obama is running for president, their heinous hijinks are coming out into the open. Take the Pemberton Republican Club of New Jersey. They have a website and they posted a hilarious statement this week.



Hey, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit! It’s funny! Get it? OJ Simpson is black. Obama is black. OJ murdered his wife and got away with it. Obama is running for president. Wait…

What Asshole Fuckface could possibly think that was something that should be put on a website? Oh, right, a Republican Asshole Fuckface. There will be so much more of this kind of shit before November…

My final Asshole Fuckface was a man on a mission.

Ahmad Suradji lives in Indonesia. His mission was simple: He wanted to gain magical powers. Now, there are several ways to gain magical powers. You can slay a dragon. You can do what I did; capture a unicorn and bugger it. Or, you can do what Ahmad did.

Uh, okay. I was with you up to a point, Ahmad. If you are killing all your customers, what’s the point of having magical powers? Kind of a big catch-22, isn’t it Ahmad?

Over the 11 years, Ahmad killed 42 women and girls. But he could FLY!

He was executed this week. So long, Asshole Fuckface!

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper tent.

FearTheReaper is a stand up comic, writer and actor. You may read more of his nonsense at his blog, Stop All Monsters.