Just one day after Americans celebrated the birth of their horrible nation, they can celebrate something more important: Asshole Fuckface Roundup Day. Throw a fucking BBQ! Blow off some fireworks! Make love to a dog! It’s Asshole Fuckface day! Since man popped out of monkeys (I think that’s what happened) there have been Asshole Fuckfaces. And because of the existence of Asshole Fuckfaces, God made people like me, who scour the news to find the worst of the worst and drag them into the light, for all to see. We then mock them as a group and feel better about ourselves. The Buddha would have been seriously into this shit. So, strap on your favorite nylon vest and pants because it’s going to be messy.

First up, what’s an Asshole Fuckface Roundup without a Christian scared of words?

This week sprinter Tyson Gay won the 100 meter final at the Olympic Trials in Eugene, Oregon. He ran the race in 9.68 seconds, but the time will not stand as a record because there was a nice breeze blowing from behind him. What the fuck does this have to do with Christians? Well, they use auto-replace in the stories they pick up from the AP. I guess some words aren’t allowed and others are. Take gay and homosexual, for instance.



Nicely done, you Asshole Fuckfaces. How is living in fear of words going? Here’s what the article was supposed to look like. The crazy Christians realized the mistake made by their auto correct program and fixed it – but not before people noticed and called them out on their total and complete retardation.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckfaces kick old ladies in the face for Jesus.

Canadian evangelist Todd Bentley is causing a bit of a stir in Florida. They are used to evangelists down there, but Todd seems to be going over the line a bit.

Why are they wary? Well, Todd has an interesting style. He is covered in tattoos, has a couple of lip piercings and loves pro wrestling. He had a few private conversations with angels seven years ago. Also, he claims that prayers have raised 25 people from the dead. The twice-daily show is a bit energetic.

Huh. Think that has anything to do with Bentley’s healing methods?



What? No setting someone on fire to stop their acne? Come on, Bentley, Jesus is calling.

Next, what would the Roundup be without a showing from our country’s greatest Asshole Fuckface.

This week Bush heaped praise on his administration and John McCain, by pretending they didn’t strongly oppose the new GI Bill.



Hey, that’s nice. Give credit to McCain, the guy who was fucking opposed to the bill, the guy Webb tried to convince for over a year to help him get this bill passed, they guy who said he thought the bill was a bad idea because it would make life better for soldiers, which would cause them to leave the military.

And, by all means, praise yourself, because you also opposed the legislation because soldiers might want to better themselves.

But now that Congress passed the GI Bill with a veto proof majority – George has decided to take credit. Go fuck yourself, you dirty cunt. You’re the worst president in the history of the United States. You can suck on that ‘til you die, you unparalleled failure.

Finally, one of the biggest Asshole Fuckfaces on the face of the Earth, John Stossel.

How awesome are oil companies? John Stossel breaks it down.



The guy who responded in that video was awesome.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper oil painting portrait.