Guten Morgen! Aujourd'hui est le Roundup de los Asshole Fuckfaces! How great is that? Yes, we have survived another week and now our eyes can feast on the most horrible people on Earth. For centuries my pale ancestors have scoured the planet looking for the worst of the worst. When found, they are pointed out and mocked for their general heinousness. If it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t be able to feel incredibly superior – and life would be very, very sad. Knowing you are better than others is what makes life worth living. Gandhi said that. (He was pretty drunk at the time.) So, put on your favorite plastic moo moo, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, we won’t have many more months of President Asshole Fuckface, so we may as well get a few in before he goes.

Let’s face it, George Bush should not talk. Ever. When he opens his mouth, a delightful bouquet of retardation and white-frat-guy talk spills out. It’s especially wonderful when it occurs in front of another head of state. Like, Philippines President Gloria Arroyo, for instance.



Ah, yes. I can’t wait until he meets with the Mexican President and tells him how great the gardner is. Bush should have “Rich White Guy” branded on his forehead.

And I wish we were done with Bush after that gaff, but this being the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, you can always count on more.

Way back in April, 2007, the Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency has the authority and must act to regulate greenhouse gas emissions. The court ruled that the EPA has to determine whether or not greenhouse gases contribute to climate change. Up until that ruling, the EPA had been doing nothing. Environmentalists were very excited.

Over a year later, nothing has happened. It seems the Bush White House decided to ignore the Supreme Court. They just blew it off – or did they? It turns out the White House is actually smarter than everybody.

Wait, what? So, the White House, the president of the United States of America, the most powerful country on Earth, just stuck his fingers in his ears and screamed? Really? Holy shit. Just when you think they can’t get more retarded, they pull something like this out of their asshole.

The White House knew what was in the email, but it didn’t jive with their Asshole Fuckface view of the world, so they ignored it.

One EPA employee quit over this situation. He couldn’t deal with the fact that our president just won’t answer emails – probably because that’s the kind of shit you do in the 7th grade.

Next up on the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, a little more Bush government fuckfacery.

The scary thing about Democrats, like Obama, being complicit in the Republican movement to undermine our civil rights, is not how it may effect you and I, but how it will effect journalism. Some of you may not know that in April, the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Department of Homeland Security can now take all the information off your electronic devices when you enter the country. That means you computer, your iPhone, your Blackberry, or any other device you own that stores information.

Freelance journalist Bill Hogan just experienced the joy of our new USSR type security. Hogan is a senior fellow at the Center for Public Integrity, has worked as a CBS News consultant, editor of Regardie’s magazine in Washington and Washington editor of Mother Jones magazine. He recently wrote stories about the origins of the Iraq war and the impact of money in presidential politics. He’s what’s known as “liberal media,” or more appropriately, he’s a journalist who finds the truth. And now he’s on some sort of “take his shit” list.

Nice. Feel free to let me know how something like this is able to go on in a democracy. Specifically, our democracy under our Constitution. Oh, right, both parties are okey-dokey with this kind of shit.

Of course, customs officials won’t say how many computers, storage drives, cell phone and Blackberrys have been impounded and what happens to them after they are taken. They also passed on testifying at a recent Senate hearing, although they were able to scribble the Senate a little message.

Right. Thanks for that. And thanks for checking out the computer of that journalist who recently wrote about the run up to the Iraq War. I can’t wait for the days when they can read my thoughts with a machine. I won’t be able to leave my house. (I want to shit on people.)

But hey, maybe the only decent Senator left can do something about it. Good luck with that. Next up, some Asshole Fuckfaces shouldn’t know how to swim.

Meet Kasey Edwards, 18, of Okeechobee, Florida. He likes to drink beer and then take a dip in the local canals.

Hey, what do you bet that’s about to change? Last weekend, Edwards was drinking beers with some buddies when he decided he was going to swim in the canal. His friends thought it was a very bad idea, because of these things called “alligators.” They tried to talk him out of it, but Kasey is an Asshole Fuckface, so he started swimming across the canal.

No shit. What a fucking shock. Edwards grabbed onto a buoy line to avoid being pulled under and fought with the gator. He was eventually able to poke the beast in the eye. The gator let go and Edwards started to swim away.

Oops. Edwards swam to shore, where his friends did what they could to stop the bleeding and called paramedics. Hopefully, someone also said, “Nice one, Fuckface.”

Now, you may be wondering why Kasey is in the Roundup, after all he made a mistake and paid for it. Well, Kasey then opened his fucking pie hole and words came out.

Right. God. Hey, Kasey, did you ever think God was trying to turn you into a gator meal? You know, because you’re an Asshole Fuckface with no brain in your head? And he let you take a night swim in gator canal? No?

Edwards said his attack shows something needs to be done about the overpopulation of gators.

Holy fucking shit. Way to take responsibility for your actions. I think there is an overpopulation of Asshole Fuckfaces. Seriously, Kasey, there are plenty of people in burn wards who could use your skin and many people who need your organs. Just give them away, that way you can be slightly useful.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces have Octopus-like defense mechanisms.



Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each will receive a FearTheReaper bobble head!