Sometimes the Asshole Fuckface Roundup is the worst thing that will happen to you all month. This is one of those Roundups. It is going to be a horrible experience. I am warning you to turn around now. Walk away from your computer and go outside. The events and villains I am going to expose in this article are horrible. They are beasts committing cowardly and disturbing acts; in other words, they are Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your plastic wrap and prepare to be saddened beyond repair.

First up, my weekly update on Republican Asshole Fuckface racism.

I expect to be writing a blurb like this every week, because Republicans think they are being funny and amusing – but that's because they only hang out with other white people. Now that Obama is the Democratic nominee, their acts are being exposed. Certainly they are confused, after all, this is the kind of shit they have been saying to their buddies for years and no one said a peep. But now suddenly, it is being pointed out as racist and horrible, which is probably causing extreme confusion. “It’s just a joke.” I’m sure they will be saying that over and over and over until November.

Texas Republicans held their convention last week and it was a doosey. Check out some of the hilarious paraphernalia one could purchase.



Weeeeeeee. Get it? The house is white, but Obama is black. Not only incredibly clever, but enlightening to boot.

But, hey, conservatives can do worse, like this Asshole Fuckface editor.

Wesley Pruden is a former editor of the Washington Times, a newspaper that is somehow less respected than the SG Newswire. He also comes from a great family. When Dwight Eisenhower sent troops to Arkansas to protect black students who were integrating into Little Rock Central High School, Wesley’s Dad yelled,

Nice. So, it’s no surprise that Wesley wrote a column this week that started with this gem.

Oh. My. God. I wish I had AIDS, so I could put it in your bottom, Wesley. Deep into your bottom. It would be a gift from a straight guy, though, which is weird. The article was, of course, about global warming. Natural transition.

I hope you enjoyed the humorous section of the Roundup, because it’s about to move into the realm of completely horrible. I’m calling it “kid’s week.” Let’s start with a dude who isn’t a good babysitter.

Meet Alan Baxter. He’s a 20-year-old dude who loves breasts – and nothing to going to stop him from seeing sweet titties, not even the young girl he was supposed to be watching.

Fuck yeah. Look, when I have to see titties, I have to see titties. Ain’t nothing keeping me away from seeing what I’ve got to see. It’s called being a man.

Like you do for a dog. That’s nice.

Like I said, he’s a man. What do you expect him to be doing? It’s not even his kid. His girlfriend gave him 20 bucks to take the kid out for dinner while she was working. Do you know how many titties you can see for 20 bucks? One, actually – but that’s not the point.

Nice. Police said the little girl was “very hungry.” No word on whether or not Baxter had an erection.

Baxter has nothing on our next Asshole Fuckface.

What does a father do when he is addicted to drugs and can’t get a prescription? Well, he drives his daughter to a hospital parking lot and then gets down to business.

Um. How’s your drug addiction going, Bobby? Seriously, that’s the worst trust exercise I’ve ever heard of.

It worked. The ankle wasn’t broken. Doctors looked at the bruising and gave her meds. It wasn’t until a month later, when the daughter told someone, that police investigated. Cisero was indicted on charges of first-degree criminal mistreatment and fourth-degree assault. That’s some serious Asshole Fuckfacery.

And yet, it gets worse. Asshole Fuckface parents were springing out of the woodwork this week.

Across the pond, a couple of English parents were making a run for Asshole Fuckface of the week. Three years ago, Sabrina Hirst, 22, had a baby. When the little girl was seven-months-old, she married Robert Hirst, 54. Up until that point, the little girl was well looked after. Then everything changed.

The Hirsts pleaded guilty this week to neglect and manslaughter. They sort of starved the girl to death.

Robert plead guilty to the lesser charge of neglect – because he works 12 to 13 hour days. Obviously, if you work a lot, your kids die.

I hope they have rape in British prisons.

Next up, some LA style Asshole Fuckface parenting.

Meet Starkeisha Brown, 24, and Krystal Matthews, 21. They are both in prison today because they are Asshole Fuckfaces of the highest caliber. Starkeisha is a mother of a five-year-old and Krystal is her girlfriend. I use the term “mother” loosely. The boy came out of her vagina, at which point the mothering ended.

On Monday, a stranger found the boy abandoned and called the police. The two women were not there because they were at The Department of Children and Family Services, where they were attempting to pass off another boy as Brown’s son. They couldn’t let authorities see her actual son, because he was tortured to the point where he is permanently disfigured.

Hey, I just threw up in my mouth. But that’s just a tiny fraction of what this child endured.

The two women couldn’t bring the boy to child services, so they left him with a stranger. Literally. A stranger. It turned out to be the best thing they ever did for the boy.

Then they took their friend's son to Family Services.

Those ladies are not going to have a good time in prison, with other women. Hopefully they suffer a long, long time. The boy is probably beyond salvation. That’s how you make psychopaths.

Amazingly, this week we actually have a worse Asshole Fuckface.

This is the worst story ever to appear in the Roundup. Holy shit, walk away now. Please. Go.

I warned you.

Sergio Casian Aguilar parked his truck on a dark California road last weekend, removed his two-year-old boy from the car and then beat the boy to death. He “shook, punched, kicked and stomped” on the boy. Sergio was obviously crazy and attacked everyone who attempted to stop the assault.

Another man also attempted to stop the assault, but was unable to do so. At least a dozen people witnessed the attack.

Local police showed up in a helicopter, landed in a nearby pasture and quickly shot Sergio to death. Sergio wouldn’t even respond to police orders to stop.

That’s the worst story, ever. Ever.

Blah.