Last week, I broke down the Democratic vice presidential possibilities and this week I’m going to cross the aisle to where the demons live and break down the horrible people McCain will be choosing from. Sadly for McCain, any candidate he chooses will make him look older, unless he picks a 90-year-old.

First up, Charlie Crist, governor of Florida.

Pro:

Crist is high up on the list of McCain’s choices. He is a somewhat popular governor and served as the state Attorney General for four years. He also served in the state senate. He is a good-looking, personable man – and has an awesome fake tan. He would put Florida in the win column for McCain, which has quite a few electoral point thingies.

Con:

Gay. You read that right. Everyone seems to think he is gay. Crist is a 51-year-old bachelor who was married 30 years ago for an entire six months.

No one has ever produced any proof that Crist is gay, but a dude or two have claimed they fucked him and he apparently has a long-term partner, who is also a convicted felon. Loving sweet cock would obviously be a negative for any GOP candidate and if McCain picks Crist, it means he is in trouble. McCain should win Florida easily, if he needs Charlie’s help, it’s not going well. Hardcore right-wingers are McCain’s problem; bringing Crist on board would just drive them away further.

Haley Barbour, Governor of Mississippi.

Pro:

Barbour is considered to be a very successful governor. He was given high marks for picking up the pieces after Hurricane Katrina. Unlike Crist, conservatives really love him – and he’s well liked inside Washington – which is something McCain needs help with. Barbour used to be the head of the Republican National Committee, worked for Reagan for six years and is a former lobbyist. As I’m writing this, I’m wondering why he didn’t run for president. Oh, right…

Con:

He’s got some racism problems. Barbour has connections to the Council of Conservative Citizens, a group of serious racists. That would certainly be awkward when running against a black guy. And Barbour doesn’t come from a battleground state, which is a big problem. And finally, Obama is running against Washington politics, a term that defines Barbour.

Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana.

Pro:

Conservatives love Jindal because he’s a brown guy who is also a Republican. They go ape shit over that sort of thing. Jindal is an Oxford University Rhodes scholar who has been working in various government jobs since 1994. He was elected to Congress in 2004 and became governor of Louisiana in 2007. I mentioned he’s got brown skin, right? Jindal’s parents are from India. He’s also a religious conservative’s wet dream. He’s against emergency contraceptives for rape victims, abortion (obviously), stem cell research, loves the Patriot Act, intelligent design, off-shore oil drilling and has the highest rating from the Gun Owners of America. Sounds pretty great for a Republican VP, right?

Con:

He performed an exorcism in college. Seriously.

Holy fucking shit. Look who just made Bush look normal. From this day on, every time you look at a picture of Jindal, I expect you to picture him screaming, “OUT DEMON!”

Kay Bailey Hutchison, Senator from Texas.

Pro:

Let’s be honest, Kay is only being considered because she has a vagina. Republicans are desperate to make it appear they are not a group of rich, white men. They always have been. Now that Obama is the candidate and Hillary nearly won, they really want America to know they have ladies and minorities also. Other than that, she brings nothing to the table.

Con:

She doesn’t come from a battleground state. She’s too old. She has zero executive experience and is an incredibly boring speaker. Also, she has been accused of corruption on more than one occasion. All of which means he will probably pick her.

Mitt Romney, rich guy.

Pro:

He is certainly well known and is a decent debater and speaker. Conservatives seem to like him, because he flip-flopped on almost every position when he decided to run for president. He has a great background as a businessman, which gives conservatives giant hard ons. And, Romney had a successful run as the governor of Massachusetts, which included implementing a state universal health insurance plan. Romney on the ticket could swing Massachusetts because Irish people are notoriously racist.

Con:

Cheesiest man alive. He seems like a central casting version of slimy politician. He flip-flopped on almost every important issue. Romney and McCain appeared to hate each other during the primaries. Oh, and he’s Mormon.

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina.

Pro:

He’s a hero of conservatives because of his budget cuts in South Carolina and actually fought against other Republicans to get them done. Sanford has a very solid conservative voting record and stuck to a self-imposed term limit and left Congress. In 2000, he campaigned for McCain. Sanford would fit right in with McCain’s “bloated government” philosophy.

Con:

I had never heard of him until I started researching this article. South Carolina is not a battle ground state and he won’t do much to help McCain in the mid-western battle ground states. Oh, and he lives on a plantation. He’s lived there since high school. A fucking plantation owner running against a black guy. How’s that sound? Like change? Did I mention he supports South Carolina flying the Confederate flag? AND THAT HE LIVES ON A FUCKING PLANTATION?

Mike Huckabee, crazy religious guy.

Pro:

The crazy religious right would come out in droves to vote for a ticket with Mike Huckabee on it. He’s funny, personable and a decent speaker. He is a rag to riches story that hopefully peaked when he was governor of Arkansas from 1996 to 2007.

Con:

He’s sort of living in the year 2. His religious beliefs are frighteningly backward, which would not help with Catholic voters in battleground states. If you think what Wright said is bad, as soon as Huckabee became VP, you can bet a shitload of heinous material would spring forth. That’s why Baptist ministers don’t become president. Huckabee is never going to be VP, so quit talking about it.

The Curve Ball:

Jodi Rell, governor of Connecticut,

Pro:

She has a vagina. Rell is incredibly popular in Connecticut, with approval ratings around 80%. She served 10 years in the state legislator, then three as Lieutenant Governor and finally was elected governor in 2004. She knows how to work the system. She is a breast cancer survivor and appeals to suburban voters. Oh, and she’s married to a Navy pilot. Along with the heinous Lieberman, she could possibly swing Connecticut to McCain.

Con:

Went to but never graduated from college. She is moderate Republican, which won’t help McCain with conservatives. Other than that, she’s kind of a blank slate and doesn’t bring a lot of baggage. If McCain wants to pick up some of the angry middle-aged female Hillary voters, Rell is the way to go.

That’s it. Anyone not on my list has no fucking chance. I’d put my money on Rell.