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Asshole Fuckface Roundup #50
SATURDAY JUNE 14 2008 6:00 AM
Submitted by FearTheReaper. Edited By erin_broadley.
TAGS: DUI, Zimbabwe, Mugabe
The Roundup is celebrating its semi-centennial and here you are reading it. You lucky son of a bitch. You are actually reading the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. That’s about as good as life gets and is considered to be a more pleasurable experience than an orgasm. (US News Reports, issue 42, Nov. 2005.)
The Asshole Fuckface Roundup has been giving people this pleasurable feeling for centuries, ever since my ancestor Seamus O’Whitey began keeping tabs on the bastards. Now the torch has been passed to me, and each week I scour the news looking for the worst human being alive. When I find them, I give them the worst label any human could ever receive: Asshole Fuckface. So, put on your giant trash bags – as a matter of fact, double bag that shit – because this is going to be ugly.
This week we start with some amazing Asshole Fuckfacery taking place in Zimbabwe.
In March, President Robert Mugabe was defeated in a national election by Morgan Tsvangirai of the MDC, but Mugabe has not left office. Instead, he claimed Tsvangirai did not achieve the necessary majority, which necessitated a runoff. The runoff is scheduled for June 28th. Until then, it appears Mugabe will make life hell for his opponents.
Currently 4 million Zimbabweans rely on food aid from foreign countries. But now some of the aid has taken a bit of a detour.
Zimbabwe authorities seized a truckload of American food aid intended for hungry children and gave it out to government supporters instead.
“Vote for me, here’s some needy children food.” That’s one way to do it. Hey, politics is rough. And it’s even rougher for members of the MDC.
Brian Mamhova of the MDC was elected councilor for the Harare South District council in March. Turns out, not such a great move for him. In the middle of the night last week, three truckloads of Mugabe’s thugs showed up and attacked Mamhova’s house – and entire neighborhood.
“They locked the door where my wife was. They smashed the windows and threw petrol inside. Then they lit it,” he said. “Inside the house, my young brother broke the door. I thank God, otherwise they would be burnt, all of them. He took my nephew out of the room. Then he went back into the room and he took my wife, but it was late. She got 80 per cent burnt. My son was burnt to pieces.”
"Burnt to pieces." That's about as fucked up as it gets. But they weren’t done yet.
“Then they beat everybody there, my neighbors, everyone. Many of them are in Chitungwiza hospital now.”
Sure, kick the shit out of the entire neighborhood. Mamhova is now in hiding. His wife died from her burns. She was 18 weeks pregnant. Mugabe also arrested Morgan Tsvangirai, his opponent in the upcoming election. It looks like the Asshole Fuckfacery in Zimbabwe has not even begun.
Next up, some good old fashioned American Asshole Fuckfacery.
The California Highway Patrol in Oceanside broke some horrible news to some local high school students last month.
On a Monday morning last month, highway patrol officers visited 20 classrooms at El Camino High School to announce some horrible news: Several students had been killed in car wrecks over the weekend.
How horrible is that? Imagine sitting in your high school history class, when a cop suddenly comes in and announces one of your close friends has been killed – by a drunk driver.
Classmates wept. Some became hysterical.
In all, drunken drivers killed 26 students. Holy shit. How drunk was this guy? And what was he driving? Turns out, not drunk at all and not driving anything. It was just an awesome story to keep kids from drinking and driving. None of the kids were actually dead, it was just a magnificent scare tactic to keep kids from drinking and driving - by telling them their alive friends were dead.
Some of the kids learned it was a delightful fake DUI massacre right away, when their teachers saw their reaction and told them. For others, it came a bit later.
Others, including many who heard the news of the 26 deaths between classes, were left in the dark until the missing students reappeared hours later.
Okay, those kids are lucky they were not considered zombies and beheaded. That’s what I would have done. The kids who suffered through the “your friends are all dead” scenario are a little pissed, but school officials still think it was an awesome idea.
"They were traumatized, but we wanted them to be traumatized," said guidance counselor Lori Tauber, who helped organize the shocking exercise and got dozens of students to participate. "That's how they get the message."
Awesome. The only message they got is that you are an Asshole Fuckface. Hopefully, your doctor will tell you that you have colon cancer, then let you go through a few rounds of chemo, before telling you it was a game he came up with to make you eat more veggies. You’d really get the message, wouldn’t you, Lori? You soulless Asshole Fuckface.
Next up, some Japanese style Asshole Fuckfacing.
A Japanese teacher came up with his own punishment for a high school student who nodded off during class.
The boy was taken to the staff room of the school in Fukuoka City, southern Japan. The 40-year-old male teacher handed the boy a box-cutter and paper and told him to write an apology in blood.
Um. What ever happened to detention? Why can’t he write it in urine or semen? Anyway, I’m sure the kid blew the teacher off.
The teacher left the student, who then cut his finger and began to write an apology using his own blood.
Nevermind. Just when you think Japan can’t get any crazier, they go and make kids write apologies in blood. Of course, after it was all over, the teacher threw himself on his sword, so to speak.
The teacher later went to high school principal Hiroaki Dan and confessed what he had done.
That must have been a fun conversation. The teacher then apologized to the kid and his parents.
My bad.
I think he’s going to have a hard time finding a job, after this.
The boy was back in school, and neither he nor his parents had asked to switch teachers. The teacher involved is expected to resume classes in a few days.
Um. I, uh. Cue Godzilla.
Next up, you’re going to be surprised. I actually found an Asshole Fuckface appointed by President Bush.
J. Robert Flores is the administrator of the Justice Department’s Office of Juvenile Justice Delinquency Prevention. The OJJDP gives out grants to different groups around the country that implement effective programs for kids. Naturally, being a Bush appointee, he doesn’t provide funding based on whether or not a program deserves it, but instead, on political connections and religious beliefs. And the nation’s youth suffer.
A senior Justice Department official says a $500,000 federal grant to the World Golf Foundation is an appropriate use of money designed to deal with juvenile crime in America.
"We need something really attractive to engage the gangs and the street kids, golf is the hook," said J. Robert Flores.
Totally. When I think of kids who are shooting each other on the streets of LA, I picture how much their life would change if they were lugging around a bag full of golf clubs and hoofing it to the local course. Hey, I wonder how Flores settled on that golf program?
The honorary chairman of the First Tee program is former President George Bush. On a videotape presentation, the former President Bush praised the program for "serving others and building character and building values."
At least try to hide it, you Asshole Fuckface. But hey, maybe the program does actually help kids.
The director of the golf program, Joe Louis Barrow Jr., said the program would help teach inner city children because "golf is a game where values such as honesty, integrity and sportsmanship are essential."
Um, that dude has never played golf. For me it promoted values like drinking, smoking pot and urinating in public.
Thankfully, Flores denied grants to highly rated programs in order to give money to religious organizations.
Another program, designed to train adult guards to deal with teens in custody, also was denied federal money even though it was ranked by the staff number 2 out of 104 in its category.
A Washington, D.C. program, Best Friends, that promotes abstinences was awarded $1.1 million by Flores even though it ranked 53rd on a list of 104 applicants.
Best Friends is run by Elayne Bennett, the wife of Bill Bennett, a former Republican cabinet member and now political commentator.
"We're really about positive friendships," she told ABC News at a recent charity gala that included many of Washington's GOP elite. "A good, solid friendship is a beautiful thing," she said.
Word. Solid friendships are important. And, I guess abstinence helps keep kids out of trouble – at least, in retarded opposite world. And don’t worry, Flores has only given out $1.5 billion in grants. He’s a good man.
His former employee, Scott Peterson, said Flores holds daily prayer sessions in the Justice Department office and frowns on giving grant money to organizations that provide sex education or condoms to teenagers.
Fucking condoms. Gang bangers need to understand the emotional gains from making love to one woman - during marriage. Condoms won't do that.
And finally, the Asshole Fuckfaces at Fox News strike again.
Yes, they used a term that implies Michelle Obama is the unwed mother of Obama's child. You know why? Because Fox makes Mayonnaise look beige. Naturally, they brought in their "we're going to talk about minorities" pundit Michelle Malkin. (She's brown.) Here's what pundit Malkin was saying while the graphic was running:
Where backlash would come, is if people make gratuitous and cheap shots at her that have nothing to do with the substance of what she is saying. So far, Republicans and conservatives who have opposed Michelle Obama’s statements have not made those kinds of cheap shots.
Seriously. Fucking amazing.
Republicans seem to be fascinated by these mysterious black people. Expect more and more of this kind of stupidity.
Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper mitten. Just one.
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