The Roundup is celebrating its semi-centennial and here you are reading it. You lucky son of a bitch. You are actually reading the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. That’s about as good as life gets and is considered to be a more pleasurable experience than an orgasm. (US News Reports, issue 42, Nov. 2005.)

The Asshole Fuckface Roundup has been giving people this pleasurable feeling for centuries, ever since my ancestor Seamus O’Whitey began keeping tabs on the bastards. Now the torch has been passed to me, and each week I scour the news looking for the worst human being alive. When I find them, I give them the worst label any human could ever receive: Asshole Fuckface. So, put on your giant trash bags – as a matter of fact, double bag that shit – because this is going to be ugly.

This week we start with some amazing Asshole Fuckfacery taking place in Zimbabwe.

In March, President Robert Mugabe was defeated in a national election by Morgan Tsvangirai of the MDC, but Mugabe has not left office. Instead, he claimed Tsvangirai did not achieve the necessary majority, which necessitated a runoff. The runoff is scheduled for June 28th. Until then, it appears Mugabe will make life hell for his opponents.

Currently 4 million Zimbabweans rely on food aid from foreign countries. But now some of the aid has taken a bit of a detour.

“Vote for me, here’s some needy children food.” That’s one way to do it. Hey, politics is rough. And it’s even rougher for members of the MDC.

Brian Mamhova of the MDC was elected councilor for the Harare South District council in March. Turns out, not such a great move for him. In the middle of the night last week, three truckloads of Mugabe’s thugs showed up and attacked Mamhova’s house – and entire neighborhood.

"Burnt to pieces." That's about as fucked up as it gets. But they weren’t done yet.

Sure, kick the shit out of the entire neighborhood. Mamhova is now in hiding. His wife died from her burns. She was 18 weeks pregnant. Mugabe also arrested Morgan Tsvangirai, his opponent in the upcoming election. It looks like the Asshole Fuckfacery in Zimbabwe has not even begun.

Next up, some good old fashioned American Asshole Fuckfacery.

The California Highway Patrol in Oceanside broke some horrible news to some local high school students last month.

How horrible is that? Imagine sitting in your high school history class, when a cop suddenly comes in and announces one of your close friends has been killed – by a drunk driver.

In all, drunken drivers killed 26 students. Holy shit. How drunk was this guy? And what was he driving? Turns out, not drunk at all and not driving anything. It was just an awesome story to keep kids from drinking and driving. None of the kids were actually dead, it was just a magnificent scare tactic to keep kids from drinking and driving - by telling them their alive friends were dead.

Some of the kids learned it was a delightful fake DUI massacre right away, when their teachers saw their reaction and told them. For others, it came a bit later.

Okay, those kids are lucky they were not considered zombies and beheaded. That’s what I would have done. The kids who suffered through the “your friends are all dead” scenario are a little pissed, but school officials still think it was an awesome idea.

Awesome. The only message they got is that you are an Asshole Fuckface. Hopefully, your doctor will tell you that you have colon cancer, then let you go through a few rounds of chemo, before telling you it was a game he came up with to make you eat more veggies. You’d really get the message, wouldn’t you, Lori? You soulless Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some Japanese style Asshole Fuckfacing.

A Japanese teacher came up with his own punishment for a high school student who nodded off during class.

Um. What ever happened to detention? Why can’t he write it in urine or semen? Anyway, I’m sure the kid blew the teacher off.

Nevermind. Just when you think Japan can’t get any crazier, they go and make kids write apologies in blood. Of course, after it was all over, the teacher threw himself on his sword, so to speak.

That must have been a fun conversation. The teacher then apologized to the kid and his parents.

I think he’s going to have a hard time finding a job, after this.

Um. I, uh. Cue Godzilla.

Next up, you’re going to be surprised. I actually found an Asshole Fuckface appointed by President Bush.

J. Robert Flores is the administrator of the Justice Department’s Office of Juvenile Justice Delinquency Prevention. The OJJDP gives out grants to different groups around the country that implement effective programs for kids. Naturally, being a Bush appointee, he doesn’t provide funding based on whether or not a program deserves it, but instead, on political connections and religious beliefs. And the nation’s youth suffer.

Totally. When I think of kids who are shooting each other on the streets of LA, I picture how much their life would change if they were lugging around a bag full of golf clubs and hoofing it to the local course. Hey, I wonder how Flores settled on that golf program?

At least try to hide it, you Asshole Fuckface. But hey, maybe the program does actually help kids.

Um, that dude has never played golf. For me it promoted values like drinking, smoking pot and urinating in public.

Thankfully, Flores denied grants to highly rated programs in order to give money to religious organizations.

Word. Solid friendships are important. And, I guess abstinence helps keep kids out of trouble – at least, in retarded opposite world. And don’t worry, Flores has only given out $1.5 billion in grants. He’s a good man.

Fucking condoms. Gang bangers need to understand the emotional gains from making love to one woman - during marriage. Condoms won't do that.

And finally, the Asshole Fuckfaces at Fox News strike again.



Yes, they used a term that implies Michelle Obama is the unwed mother of Obama's child. You know why? Because Fox makes Mayonnaise look beige. Naturally, they brought in their "we're going to talk about minorities" pundit Michelle Malkin. (She's brown.) Here's what pundit Malkin was saying while the graphic was running:

Seriously. Fucking amazing.



Republicans seem to be fascinated by these mysterious black people. Expect more and more of this kind of stupidity.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper mitten. Just one.