Now that we have finally picked our candidates, after a horribly long and unnecessary primary season, it’s time for the nominees to choose their Vice Presidential candidate. Barack Obama has some decent selections to pick from. I will now list them and explain why they are all horrible people. Enjoy.

First up, Hillary Clinton.

Pros:

She supposedly will help Obama with white, working class voters – a group that has not voted for the Democratic candidate since 1964. (Why people think a woman will win over a bunch of stupid, white guys, I don’t know, but that’s supposed to be a “pro.”) Also, The Clinton team is ruthless and will fight a tough battle against Republicans. The Clinton name also brings up memories of a rosier time and Americans like to think happy thoughts. She will bring a boatload of rich fundraisers with her and Obama could actually win Arkansas with Hillary. And finally, there are quite a few angry older ladies who might sit this one out unless Hillary is on the ticket.

Cons:

She’s a demon. And there’s more. Having Bill Clinton associated with the White House would undermine Obama constantly. Hillary totally lacks any National Security experience and would therefore highlight Obama’s major weakness. She undermines Obama’s entire campaign because she is a Washington insider. During the primary, she repeatedly said McCain has the experience to be president, but Obama does not. Republicans have already turned it into an ad and would only turn up the flame if she were on the ticket. Finally, Hillary is the right-wings wet dream. If she is on the ticket, it will cause more depressed Republicans to turn out and vote, which will have a negative effect on Democratic pick ups in the Senate, Congress and on down the line. Also, she’s a demon.

Kathleen Sebelius, governor of Kansas.

Pros:

She has one of those vagina things, which seems to be important to many Clinton supporters. Sebelius is very popular in Kansas and could swing the state. She also has ties to Ohio, where her father was governor and could be very helpful in that horrible state. Sebelius is popular with conservative Democrats and some Republicans, but is a liberal. Most importantly, she has a good economic record. In 2005, Time named her as one of the nation's five best governors for balancing the state’s $1.1 billion budget deficit without raising taxes or cutting funding for education.

Cons:

Um, who the fuck is she? She may be a rising star in the party, but nationally she is completely unknown. If she were selected, it would be a horribly obvious move to pacify Clinton supporters, which would just enrage them. They’ve already said as much.

Right. You let me know what you won't get upset about, you angry freaks.

The NRA is also very, very opposed to Sebelius because she vetoed a bill that would have allowed crazy gun owners in Kansas to carry their weapons concealed. The NRA would have a field day with an Obama/Sebelius ticket, which could cause problems in states like Michigan and Pennsylvania. She won’t help with white men, which is the demographic Obama needs to chip away at. Sebelius also has zero foreign policy experience and that’s a serious problem.

Bill Richardson, governor of New Mexico.

Pros:

Hello Latinos! Richardson could swing states like Texas, Nevada, Colorado and Florida by bringing in an overwhelming number of Latino voters. Those are big states, right? He has been very successful as a governor. Richardson’s foreign policy experience is unparalleled – on both sides of the aisle. An experienced diplomat would fit in perfectly with Obama’s platform and it is what the country needs right now. He’s been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize five times. He’s a former Energy Secretary – something we seem to have a bit of a problem with right now. He fits in well with Obama’s “change” platform.

Cons:

Holy shit is he bad in a debate, and my God does he make the occasional really stupid comment. Can America handle a “double ethnic” ticket? Some people think it’s a negative – I disagree. Other than that, not a lot of negatives to Richardson.

Jim Webb, Senator from Virginia.

Pros:

He would cancel out McCain’s war hero status. Webb is a Vietnam vet who is walking around with two Purple Hearts, two Bronze Stars, the Silver Star and the Navy Cross. That’s some serious shit, there. Webb can attack McCain’s bullshit votes against soldier’s benefits in ways Obama never will be able to. Webb also worked in the Pentagon under Reagan, who is some sort of right wing God. (I think because he was insane with Alzheimer’s.) Some people also believe Webb could help Obama with the Appalachian states – I think they are fucking crazy. Finally, Webb is considered to be a “brilliant legislative tactician.”

Cons:

#1 and huge reason: Removing Webb from the Senate is not a good idea. He’s from a red state, if you take him out of the Senate, there’s a decent chance that seat goes back to the Republicans. Also, he is terrible on the campaign trail – and he will look even worse in contrast to Obama. His background could seriously hurt Democratic chances. Webb is basically a right wing nutjob.

Holy fucking shit. And there’s more. In 1979, Webb wrote an article in The Washingtonian called, “Women Can't Fight." I don’t need to go into that one, do I? He was still attacking feminism in 1997.

Giving Webb the nod would be a massive slap in the face to Clinton supporters – so it’s a no go. Webb will not be VP – and he shouldn’t be. His articles did a lot of harm to women in the military.

Wesley Clark, retired general.

Pros:

Again, he’s got the military thing going, something Obama needs. He is also in the Clinton camp and this would help with Hillary and her supporters. He’s run before, so he’s been vetted a bit and probably won’t make too many mistakes. But the only reason to pick Clark is his national security credibility.

Cons:

Sucks at speaking. Just sucks. People were pretty excited about the idea of a general running in the Democratic 2004 primary – and he had his clock cleaned because he sucked. And Republicans have some serious criticisms of his time in charge in Kosovo.

Ted Strickland, governor of Ohio.

Pros:

Look at cons.

Cons:

He just said this:

Joe Biden, Senator from Delaware.

Pros:

Wit. He can turn a phrase better than anyone out there. Biden can slam and destroy opponents with his tongue. For a VP candidate, that’s invaluable. As far as qualifications, he’s loaded. Very few Democrats know more about foreign policy than Biden – and he loves to mix it up with Republicans on the issue. He’s the chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee and the former chairman of the Judiciary Committee, which would help with upcoming Supreme Court nominations. And, he’s an experienced campaigner and comes from a blue-collar background.

Cons:

Well, his sharp tongue sometimes goes bad. Oh, and there’s the fact that he is a massive corporate whore, which means he optimizes everything Obama is against.

Those are the current front runners, but many other names are in the wind. I’m sure in the end, Obama will pick someone crazy and we will all be shocked. Like, myself, for instance.

Next week: McCain's options.