Merry Asshole Fuckface Day. This is the day you look forward to all week, because it makes you feel better about your life. The Buddha was the first guy to say, “You know what? We really need to look down on some fuckers.” And then Jesus said, “No shit, bro.” That’s how the Asshole Fuckface Roundup started. True story.

Each week I scour the news to find the worst people on the planet. Then I display them in all their glory for you to mock and imagine throwing rocks at. They are hideous beasts and we are better than them. Hoorah. Now, wrap yourself in several layers of newspaper and prepare yourself mentally, because this is going to be ugly.

My first Asshole Fuckface probably shouldn’t be breeding.

Meet Stacie Marie Davis, 29, of Cookeville, Tennessee. She’s the mother of nine-month-old daughter, Autumn. Last week, Stacie and Autumn were sitting on the kitchen floor, when the baby bit Davis on the forehead. Wow. Shocking. Imagine that. You’re just sitting on the floor with your baby when it lashes out and tries to eat your head. What to do?

Fuck yeah, you did. Don’t take no shit from that baby! If she hits you, punch her soft skull. You want some of this shit, baby? Huh? Cause I got more where that come from. You've got to teach that little bitch a lesson, even though she doesn’t have the ability to understand reason yet.

Stacie was arrested after a family member snitched. When the police investigated nine hours later, Autumn still had teeth marks on her arm. You know, from where HER MOTHER BIT HER. Autumn has been placed with her father, but Stacie is going to fight to get her daughter back.

Super. And don’t chew on your baby anymore.

Thankfully, Davis seems to understand it was wrong.

Bad advice? What the fuck? Someone actually recommended this? Hello mystery Asshole Fuckface. Welcome. Now, please bite yourself in the face. (I don’t know, either.)

Hopefully, the father isn’t Asshole Fuckface Marquis Lee of Newport, Virginia. If that is Autumn's Dad, she’s totally fucked.

Bad week to be a baby.

Lee has been charged with assault and battery, resisting arrest, child abuse and neglect, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I guess there is no specific law against “baby throwing.”

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface judge.

Oh, Texas, why so batshit crazy?

This week a family in Cameron County sued a judge – not for cash, they just want the Asshole Fuckface removed from the bench. Why? Well, it seems their 14-year-old daughter was appearing in Gustavo Garza’s court on a charge of truancy and the judge got all Singapore on her ass.

Um. That’s great for a young girls self image. A nice public ass paddling always does a teen girl good. I’m sure she won’t be in court for truancy again, mostly because she’s still curled up in a ball in her shower.

I guess it really depends on the animal. For instance, a hamster would be pretty fucked, while a cow wouldn’t even bat an eye. But neither of those animals are familiar with shame, like a 14-year-old girl.

The judge has refused to say whether or not other people have been spanked in his court – and if he jerks off under his robe while the spankings take place. Yesterday, a hearing on his spanking restraining order was postponed so the Asshole Fuckface could find a lawyer. (Apparently, Judge Spanky McSpankerman didn't know he'd need a lawyer.)

Next up, some California tax happy Asshole Fuckfaces.

We here in California are seriously retarded when it comes to taxes. Thirty years ago we approved the horrible tax cut Proposition 13, which has caused our state to turn to shit. Our roads suck. Our schools are a fucking disaster. Every year we cut back on more health services and more and more people suffer. While our idiot lawmakers make sure there are no taxes on luxury yachts, some of them are campaigning to implement a massive tax on porn.

Meet Asshole Fuckface Democrats Cathleen Galgiani and Charles Calderon of the California State Assembly. They think porn is bad and they want it to be taxed – like cigarettes and alcohol. They have proposed a 25 percent tax be levied on strip club fees, pornographic movies, pay-per-view films, sex toys and more. If it gives you a boner, or makes your vagina moist, you should have to pay.

The bill would actually be applied to anything that falls under our 2257 Section 18 laws. What does that mean?

So, basically, fun. They want to tax fun.

Asshole Fuckface Calderon has been touring the state with ex-porn stars, who explain how horrible porn is and why it should be taxed. This might be a good time to mention that what an ex porn star thinks of the effects of porn doesn’t fucking matter. Then again, we are so fucking moronic, maybe we had ex-brewers tour the state when we were implementing our last alcohol tax.

Here’s a tip: How about a psychologist or a medical doctor who has some sort of proof of the negative effects of porn? Oh, you can’t find anyone? Well, good luck because for some reason, the “I used to fuck on camera” lady doesn’t really persuade me that I should have to pay more to jerk off.

And that’s really what we are talking about here. They are trying to compare it to alcohol and tobacco, but there is no comparison. Porn makes you want to rub you little man in the boat, or tug on your Johnson. It doesn’t cause cancer – unless you’re doing it really, really wrong.

Asshole Fuckfaces Calderon and Galgiani believe the taxes could raise $665 million a year. And who is going to stand up for porn? It's a huge boner kill.

Finally, we come to our video Asshole Fuckface of the week.

John McCain’s campaign continues to show the world how horribly inept they are when it comes to the internet. It is really astounding how old gramps and his people look every time they come near the crazy world of tubes. This week, they started an online contest to find the best person in the world, or some shit like that.



Holy fucking shit! Dude, you can actually tape that shit more than once. You don’t have to go with the first try. And congrats on the lamest contest, ever. Seriously, that should be awesome if you are able to build a time machine and go back about twenty years. I’m going to be very inspired by the idiots on You Tube nominating their moronic neighbors because of the perceived right wing “selfless” acts.

Of course it will lead to the horrible, inevitable posting. Check out this Asshole Fuckface submission:



Asshole Fuckface, indeed.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each win a FearTheReaper engraved hammer to hit yourselves in the face with.