If the Internet must die, I’m okay with it happening in Texas first. Texans deserve some sort of suffering for inflicting George Bush on the rest of the world. And Texans do love freedom – freedom for companies to do whatever the fuck they want. So, the fact that Time Warner will begin metered Internet use in Texas is very fitting. This is kind of like watching rapists fuck child molesters. Sadly, it will only be implemented in Beaumont, Texas, so it’s more like rapists fucking child molesters in a cage.

The plan that will be implemented is much like cell phone billing, the worst and most fucked-up consumer contracts going. Texas will be the nation’s guinea pigs and if all goes well, the metered billing will spread to the rest of the country. And it’s a great plan. Rather than investing and keeping up with the pace of Internet use, like most other western countries have done, our Internet providers have decided to attempt to stifle use. This plan will monitor how much users are uploading and downloading and make them pay accordingly. Time Warner is the first company to implement metered pay, but expect the others to jump on board immediately if it goes well.

Time Warner claims 5% of its subscribers use half of the company’s capacity. They neglect to mention that in the future, most users will be downloading and uploading content regularly, so they’d like to capitalize on it now with some pre-rape. Time Warner says the new billing won’t affect most users, but only the out-of-control downloaders. But make no mistake about it, this isn’t about who is using what now, it’s about how people will use the Internet in the future. It will greatly hobble services like TV, movie and music downloads.

Here's the plan:

Suck it, Pirate Bay.

First, let me say, “Take your bundling and shove it up your Warner hole.” I fucking hate bundling. It creates an environment in which a company can let the quality slide on one of its services. Oh, you want our great Internet service? Well, you’re going to have to take our shit phone service, too. Blow me. A couple of years ago I had Comcast broadband. One day I received a notice that my broadband was going up $30 bucks a month if I didn’t bundle my Internet with my cable. Wow, thanks for the extortion! I told them to fuck off. Everyone should have done the same, but most people are not as smart as I am. It’s a curse.

As far as the numbers are concerned, expect them to change. Right now it’s $55 bucks a month for a 40-gigabyte cap. Expect the price to creep up and the gigabytes to creep down. That’s how these fuckers work. And people who use services like Netflix could quickly find themselves over their limits and paying large overage fees. Think you'll be alerted when you go over your limit? Nope.

And in an amazing coincidence, Comcast will also begin fucking with “heavy” users today. Up until today, the company had been slowing the connections of people who use BitTorrent, but now the big evil C is going to try something different.

So, instead of charging customers for more use, they will attempt to drive heavy users away. Thankfully, Comcast won’t tell you if you are on the blacklist, or what actions will lead to you being placed on the blacklist. It’s just a giant, invisible, “Fuck You.” The blacklisting will start today in Chambersburg, Penn., and Warrenton, Va. It will be extended to Colorado Springs, Colo. later in the summer. How awesome is that?

The worst aspect of this bullshit is how it will harm online business. Online video businesses are just taking off. Metered billing and slowing connections would obviously crush innovation. We would be left in the dust compared to other countries.

There’s obviously only one solution: Net Neutrality. I don’t expect much out of Beaumont, Texas. Americans have come to expect and, it seems, actually enjoy a good corporate anal rape. We vote for politicians who will fight for companies to screw us over. When companies do make heinous policies, we sit on our fat asses and cry like a bunch of spineless cunts. This new policy only applies to new users, but if every Time Warner customer in Beaumont and every Comcast customer in Warrenton cancelled their broadband on Friday, this shit would be over immediately. But they won’t. They’ll just apply more lube. And don’t think it’s a crazy coincidence that two massive broadband companies are starting these plans on the same day. These cunts are gearing up to fuck all of us over and they are doing it together.