Welcome. Welcome to Asshole Fuckface day. It’s a great day because you don’t have to dress up or give anyone gifts, but you do have responsibilities. You must read about this week’s worst humans on Earth and laugh at their heinous stupidity. Then crawl into a corner and cry for a while. So, put on your fat suit, because this is going to be nasty.

My first Asshole Fuckface doesn’t deserve testicles.

Meet David Ashton, 32, of Bell Close, England. He’s a driving instructor and he has... uh…weird hobbies. Ashton enjoys meeting teenage girls in Internet chat rooms, then picking them up and driving them into the woods. At that point, he engages in “a series of sex acts” with the underage girls. But that’s not the bad part. He would then get them to kick him in the nuts.

There are guys out there who don’t have nuts. They lost them in accidents or due to cancer. It’s a shame to see someone blessed with nuts treating them in such a fashion. But apparently, getting your sack kicked by a group of teenage girls is awesome and Ashton had a second go at it.

Eventually, Ashton would wrap it up, because, well, you know...

No shit.

Mr. Testicle Kickee is facing conviction two counts of sexual activity with a child, four of causing or enticing a child to engage in sexual activity and five of making indecent photographs of children. I guess nobody thought to make a more specific “nut kicking” a law.

Next up, our very own Taliban Asshole Fuckfaces.

Ah, American’s crazy Christians, they are the gift that just keeps giving. They know where to focus their Jesus love and how to care for others. They are constantly fighting the good fight and protecting us from… cups.

Must be a picture of a dude cutting someone’s head off. Or maybe someone blowing a kid's head off with a shotgun? Possibly the logo is of a man standing over a freshly killed body, holding the corpse's intestines over his head? Nope. It’s a mermaid.

Slutbucks? Oh, I get it; you’re a total fucking retard. Here’s the deal, Mark. Go to Wal-Mart. Purchase some thread, a needle, some liquid steel and a hammer. Now, go back home and sit down at your dinner table. Take the liquid steel and pour it in your ears. Next, take the thread and sew your eyes shut. Finally, reach out and pick up the hammer and then smash it into your skull as hard as you can.

The Resistance (Jesus, lighten the fuck up) has 3,000 Asshole Fuckfaces nationwide and they are calling for a boycott. I would like to make the opposite request. I’d like to ask people to buy a cup of coffee, then walk outside, put it on the sidewalk and jerk off to the hot, hot picture of the mermaid who has palm tree legs and no vagina.

The logo is a less revealing version of Starbuck’s original logo and is supposed to signify the chain returning to its roots.

My next Asshole Fuckface is an eight-year-old girl.

Eight-year-old girls can get into all sorts of mischief, like wearing explosives, blowing themselves up and killing Iraqi soldiers. That is what happened this week in Iraq.

Oh, wait. She didn’t blow herself up. I feel like a total asshole for blaming her. It was remotely detonated. Those fucking monsters! How could they do that to a child! She was so young, just...

Wait, what? I thought she was eight?

Oh. Boo. I was totally excited to hate those terrorists more. Still, that’s pretty fucked up. That girl was still in high school, probably on the local drill team. A fucking high school kid, God dam it. Those fucking terrorists!

God damn it. Every few hours this girl keeps getting older. They age so fast, don’t they? Especially when the military is attempting to use them as propaganda - as if you need to embellish a suicide bomber story. This is good-old fashioned propaganda, just like the “mentally retarded bomber” story from a couple months back that yours truly fell for.

The first mention of the eight-year-old suicide bomber was in the Metro UK, at around 4 pm London time - several hours after the incident. The sources were, in order, an Iraqi Army spokesman, US soldiers, the military, and Iraqi Army Lieutenant Ahmed Ali. Stories that come from military sources are the definition of propaganda. It was printed hours after the bombing and could have easily been verified – and should have been. It wasn’t until other reporters started poking around that the story changed. But now, “Eight-year-old suicide bomber” lives on forever on the Internet, for right wing morons to use in their eternal war against Islam.

Incidentally, those guys who blew up the 18-year-old – also Asshole Fuckfaces.

My final Asshole Fuckface is a bad phone answerer.

This week we learned something important: If you need to call 911 in Nashville, you’re pretty much shit out of luck. Shelia Jones discovered that the hard way when she called 911 in February because her crazy ex-boyfriend broke into her house with a knife.

Well, that doesn’t sound good. At least the crazy fuck went outside – but still, dude had a knife. Better get the cops there immediately, right? Not so much. Sheila continued to call 911, but still no police came.

Two and a half hours later….

Oh, come on now! It’s only been two hours and thirty minutes since your ex-boyfriend broke into your house with a knife. A local news station found out where the cop who should have been helping her actually was.

Naturally. Ever wonder what a 911 operator says after you hang up? Turns out – it’s not so great.

Clearly. Oh, and please die. Thanks.

Sheila finally called the mayor’s office and police showed up pronto – if you consider “pronto” to be three hours. That’s how long it took police to arrive after her first call to 911. The 911 operator is no longer employed. Turns out he was a trainee and he flunked his final exam. Thank God he had an opportunity to learn on the job.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You each will receive a free FearTheReaper bow tie.