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Welcome. Are you prepared to read about this week’s worst human beings on the face of the Earth? Some people can’t handle it. Last week was a prime example. So, if you can’t – back your shit up now. Over the hundreds of years my people have been doing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, many weak people have come to understand it is too intense for their baby pants. After the first Asshole Fuckface of all time, Jan Pieterszoon Coen, was revealed, many people cried like children.

In 1621, Jan Pieterszoon Coen was the newly appointed Dutch governor-general of The Banda Islands. Coen forced the leading citizens, called the orang kava, to sign a treaty at gunpoint. The treaty was structured so that the orang kava could not hold up their end. Once a couple of violations were noted, Coen massacred the Bandanese as punishment. He hired Japanese mercenaries, who cut off the heads of forty orang kava and displayed their heads on spears. Then they went about massacring the locals.

When Coen began the massacre, there were around 13,000 people living on Banda. By the time the massacre was finished, only 1,000 Bandanese were left. They all became slaves. Turns out the Dutch needed a few Bandanese as laborers because of their expertise in nutmeg cultivation. Ever since The Banda Massacre, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces, so you can know whom to hate. It’s not pretty, so put on your rubber raincoat and prepare yourself for the worst of the worst.

My first Asshole Fuckface is a "performance artist." Normally I detest the use of quotes to undermine someone's trade, but in this case it is very appropriate.

Meet Jonathan Yegge. He’s a 24-year-old student at the San Francisco Art Institute, who apparently confuses art with being a complete moron. Last week, one of his professors, Tony Labat, asked Yegge to enlighten his fellow performance art students with a piece. Yegge hatched a brilliant idea.

First he asked for a volunteer from the class. Then he had the poor bastard sign a “contract” saying he agreed to participate in a performance piece that would include sexual and violent acts. Now, obviously the volunteer is a fucking moron. But that does not excuse what happened next.


Yegge led the volunteer out into a campus public area, in front of Labat's class and anyone else who happened by…

"He was tied up. He had a blindfold and a gag, but he could see and talk through it. He had freedom of movement of his pelvis," Yegge says, by way of defending his piece. "I engaged in oral sex with him and he engaged in oral sex with me. I had given him an enema, and I had taken a shit and stuffed it in his ass. That goes on, he shits all over me, I shit in him. There was a security guard present. There was an instructor from the school present. It was videoed, and the piece was over."


First of all, I didn’t even know you could take a shit and shove it in someone else’s ass. Congrats on breaking new ground, so to speak. You really took shit to a new level. Fantastic. You know who would have loved this? Michelangelo. He always wanted to blow a dude, give him an enema and then cram his shit into the dude’s anus – while in The Sistine Chapel.

Apparently the volunteer is a little bummed.


"He was pissed off, as he should be," says Ryan Castaneda, a friend of the volunteer. "He felt he was being violated. He just didn't think this was cool."


Uh, saying this was not cool is the understatement of the year. The volunteer complained to school officials – because another student shoved shit into his asshole. Man, I miss college!

Yegge is now on academic probation and is no longer allowed to have public sex on campus.


"If I have to not have sex on campus anymore, they'd better put that in the student handbook, and then we can decide whether that's an appropriate rule or not," says Yegge. "I mean, I'm on probation, and I can't have sex on campus, and anyone else can."


Way to get the point. You’re more of an Asshole Fuckface than I thought. Also, you’re not very good at sex.

Professor Labat was not impressed with the art.


"It was plain bad art," says Labat. "This was irresponsible in any context. It made me wonder why anyone would want to do a story about it. Why would anyone be interested in anything as basic as that? Nobody should be interested in that."


Really? You don’t know why anyone would want to do a story on public blow job/enema/shit fest? Have you ever met another human being?

Labat also neglected to mention that Yegge explaining the piece to him before it was performed. Oh, and he sat and watched it being performed. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that blowing a dude, giving him an enema, then shoving you shit into his ass takes a little while. Probably long enough to stop it.

The school is now, obviously, concerned about a lawsuit. Oh, and the volunteer’s mom is a judge.

Next up, Israeli Asshole Fuckfacery.

Jimmy Carter announced last week that he was going to meet with Hamas in an attempt to gauge “the group's willingness to accept Arab peace overtures.” It’s the kind of thing one might do if they want peace. You actually don’t get peace by never talking to your enemy. Crazy, huh?

Shin Bet is the Israeli security force that helps to protect visiting dignitaries. But they decided to take a pass on protecting Carter.


Israel's secret service declined to assist U.S. agents guarding former U.S. President Jimmy Carter during a visit in which Israeli leaders shunned him over his plans to meet Hamas, U.S. sources said on Monday.

"They're not getting support from local security," one of the sources said, on condition of anonymity.


Bold move. Really taking a stance there. Should work out great for you if Carter gets killed.

Carter pissed off Israelis when he described Israel’s policy in the occupied territories as "a system of apartheid" in a book two years ago. And then he says he wants to meet with Hamas. So, obviously he should die.

Sadly for Israel, Carter survived the meeting yesterday.

Maybe next time, huh?

Next up, Australia reveals past Asshole Fuckfacery.

This week we learned that that the Australian government performed some heinous acts on aboriginal children during the '20s and '30s. Australia is holding a Senate inquiry this week to determine how to compensate the “stolen generation” of aboriginal kids who were taken from their families and placed with whites. Now we find out they also used the kids as guinea pigs and injected them with leprosy serums. That’s some "Class A" Asshole Fuckfacery.


Ms. Mills said children held at a compound in Darwin were injected with serums designed to be used in the treatment of leprosy – a practice which seriously damaged their health. Her uncle, who worked there as a medical orderly, had told her about the sinister goings-on.

"He said it made our people very, very ill. The treatment almost killed them," she told reporters outside the hearing. "It was a common experience and a common practice."


Come on, how else were they supposed to find a cure for white people?

Many in Australia don’t believe the accusation and records to support the claim may be difficult to obtain – mostly because they contain information about using aboriginals as human guinea pigs. Who’s going to leave that lying around or dig it up?

Australia’s health minister has ordered an investigation into the claim. Good luck with that.

My final Asshole Fuckface has the worst alibi of all time.

Things have not been going well for the Republican commissioner of Cumberland County in Pennsylvania lately. Late last month, Bruce Barclay was accused of rape – by another man. That isn’t the kind of thing that the religious right expects.

Bruce was forced to retire and was fighting to keep his ass out of prison. Thankfully, he had made tapes of himself fucking tons and tons of dudes. All with hidden cameras. Yay!


On March 31st, police, investigating the allegation of rape by the 20-year-old Marshall McCurdy, obtained a warrant to search Barclay's home. They didn't find evidence of rape. But they did find videotapes of hundreds of sexual encounters with men that Barclay had filmed on high-tech surveillance cameras.


Turns out Bruce was hiring prostitutes from Harrisburgfratboys.com and then banging them on camera without their knowledge. I like to call that “Thursday night,” myself.


The cameras were hidden inside AM/FM radios, motion detectors and intercom speaker systems, among other places.


Thankfully, one of the illegal tapes showed the rape accuser engaging is consensual sex. Take that?


On April 10th, the rape charges were dropped. One of the videos found during the search showed Barclay and McCurdy engaging in apparently consensual sex.


No rape charges! Ha! But now Bruce may be facing privacy violations and promoting prostitution charges. And the rape accuser is looking at three years in jail for making false reports to police.

So, it’s a happy ending for everyone.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each win a FearTheReaper cape!

 

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emotedcreations

emotedcreations

Germany
July 2006

APR 28, 2008 07:56 PM

UpTight said:

FearTheReaper said:

UpTight said:

Israel isn't stupid.



No. Just bloodthirsty.



No - just defending itself from genocidal, barbarian maniac culties.

(and bloated, failed cabaret artistes...seemingly)

Would you ever concede that Israel has done fucked up shit to Arabs?

UpTight

UpTight

I'm lost
December 2003

APR 28, 2008 08:14 PM

Uncognitive said:
So wait, if Palestinians claim that being Palestinian gives them the right to a Palestinian state that's part of the post-1920 British Mandate Palestine, then "Palestine" doesn't exist and "Palestinians" are a legal fiction invented by scary Islamists to sucker liberals.



the quote you keep ignoring:

"The Palestinian people does not exist. The creation of a Palestinian state is only a means for continuing our struggle against the state of Israel for our Arab unity. In reality today there is no difference between Jordanians, Palestinians, Syrians and Lebanese. Only for political and tactical reasons do we speak today about the existence of a Palestinian people, since Arab national interests demand that we posit the existence of a distinct 'Palestinian people' to oppose Zionism." PLO executive Zahir Muhsein

But hey, if you think that the West Bank and Gaza actually belong to Israel, suddenly being "Palestinian" takes on just enough of a solid legal meaning to deny the Arab folks living there claims to Israeli citizenship.



The West Bank & Gaza "belong" to Israel because Israel won the territory off of the previous occupiers Jordan & Egypt. Thanks to Dayan's, Liberal brainfart, Israel also inherited the Arab settlers (or "Palestinian refugees", if you like).

However, rather than amalgamate this land into the state, Israel gave up their administration to the Palestinian Authority.

Even if Israel decided to fully amalgamate the West Bank (as they should) they would not have to give the Palestinians citizenship. There is direct precedent here. Jordan & Egypt didn't give the Palestinians citizenship when they annexed the West bank & Gaza, so why should Israel?

In fact - correct me if I'm wrong here, but didn't Jordan belatedly give all the West Bank Arabs Jordanian citizenship?



FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

APR 28, 2008 08:32 PM

UpTight said:

FearTheReaper said:

UpTight said:

Israel isn't stupid.



No. Just bloodthirsty.



No - just defending itself from genocidal, barbarian maniac culties.

(and bloated, failed cabaret artistes...seemingly)



Totally.

zoom image



zoom image

Fucking barbarians.

Oh and...

UpTight said:

(and bloated, failed cabaret artistes...seemingly)



It might have some effect if I was a bloated, failed anything. Considering the response from the female members of SG to my video, I'm pretty okay with my appearance.

But, if that's all you have, fire away. I just assumed Brits had an ounce of wit. I guess I can be wrong sometimes.

Uncognitive

Uncognitive

Brooklyn, NY
May 2003

APR 29, 2008 06:53 AM

UpTight said:

Uncognitive said:
So wait, if Palestinians claim that being Palestinian gives them the right to a Palestinian state that's part of the post-1920 British Mandate Palestine, then "Palestine" doesn't exist and "Palestinians" are a legal fiction invented by scary Islamists to sucker liberals.



the quote you keep ignoring:

"The Palestinian people does not exist. The creation of a Palestinian state is only a means for continuing our struggle against the state of Israel for our Arab unity. In reality today there is no difference between Jordanians, Palestinians, Syrians and Lebanese. Only for political and tactical reasons do we speak today about the existence of a Palestinian people, since Arab national interests demand that we posit the existence of a distinct 'Palestinian people' to oppose Zionism." PLO executive Zahir Muhsein



Wow, a quote from a Syrian Baathist that contradicts the PLO's charter and the original UN partition plan must of course represent how all Palestinians really feel. How silly of me to forget that "one quote to rule them all" thing.

UpTight said:

But hey, if you think that the West Bank and Gaza actually belong to Israel, suddenly being "Palestinian" takes on just enough of a solid legal meaning to deny the Arab folks living there claims to Israeli citizenship.



The West Bank & Gaza "belong" to Israel because Israel won the territory off of the previous occupiers Jordan & Egypt. Thanks to Dayan's, Liberal brainfart, Israel also inherited the Arab settlers (or "Palestinian refugees", if you like).

However, rather than amalgamate this land into the state, Israel gave up their administration to the Palestinian Authority.

Even if Israel decided to fully amalgamate the West Bank (as they should) they would not have to give the Palestinians citizenship. There is direct precedent here. Jordan & Egypt didn't give the Palestinians citizenship when they annexed the West bank & Gaza, so why should Israel?

In fact - correct me if I'm wrong here, but didn't Jordan belatedly give all the West Bank Arabs Jordanian citizenship?



Ah, so because the Israeli government's "brainfart" stopped them from ethnically cleansing lands they occupied in violation of UN resolutions, those darn Arabs should be grateful to live under whatever apartheid-style pseudo-government that the Israeli government decides is best for those poor "barbarian culties".

Wow, I've seen more nuance in '30s movie serials.

Explain to me again how the 1948 UN Partition plan gave all of post-1920 Palestine to Israel again?

UpTight

UpTight

I'm lost
December 2003

APR 29, 2008 07:48 AM

Uncognitive said:
Ah, so because the Israeli government's "brainfart" stopped them from ethnically cleansing lands they occupied in violation of UN resolutions, those darn Arabs should be grateful to live under whatever apartheid-style pseudo-government that the Israeli government decides is best for those poor "barbarian culties".



Ah - it didn't take long for "Israeli Apartheid" - the new, sensitive and politically-aware blood libel to rear its ugly head.

But don't worry - you're covered. It isn't bigotry if you remember to slander "Israelis" or "Zionists".

The apartheid slur can be used to demonise Israeli society (despite the fact that Israel is the only country in the region that has none of the characteristics of apartheid).

It can be used to mischaracterize the security fence. It's an "apartheid wall" (despite the fact that it was only erected to stop the thousands of suicide bombs aimed at civilians). And very effective it is too. I must remember to wear an "Apartheid Helmet" next time I ride a motorbike, or strap on my "Apartheid belt" next time I fly.

The you-know-whews put up the evil apartheid wall and created an apartheid style Palestinian government run by their lackeys, Fatah.

Fatah are Arab Nationalists and therefore lack the sexy radical flair of their Islamist counterparts. Plus, their terrorist wing, the Al Asqa Martyr Brigade, don't kill nearly as many Israeli civilians.

Replace that Zionist running dog Abbas with those wonderful Mandelas Khaled Mashaal & Ismail Haniya. Fuck - the ANC was called terrorist once, so Hamas must be revolutionary freedom fighters.

While we're on the subject of politically-aware labels, I seem to have missed the part where you attacked Jordan for forcibly removing Jews from the West Bank.

Of course if the Israelis ever did remove Arab Settlers to a nearby country they hold citizenship of - that would be "ethnically cleansing lands they occupied in violation of UN resolutions".

Here's a conundrum for you. When Israel forcibly removed Jews from Gaza (to clear the land for Hamas's new Lord of the Flies funpark), was that "ethnically cleansing lands they occupied in violation of UN resolutions" or was it the justifiable removal of Jewish settlers to a nearby land they hold citizenship of.

It's okay - you are covered - either way. Double standards are fine as long as it's Israelis or Zionists you are biased against.


UpTight

UpTight

I'm lost
December 2003

APR 29, 2008 07:58 AM

Uncognitive said:
Wow, a quote from a Syrian Baathist that contradicts the PLO's charter and the original UN partition plan must of course represent how all Palestinians really feel. How silly of me to forget that "one quote to rule them all" thing.



They are hardly going to make unguarded truthisms in the charter, are they?

Since you mention the charter, here's a quote from it:

Article 24: This Organization does not exercise any territorial sovereignty over the West Bank in the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan, on the Gaza Strip or in the Himmah Area.



It's nice to know that the Palestinians don't want the West Bank or Gaza.

Oops wait.

That was the 1964 Charter. That clause mysteriously disappeared in the 1968 version, but since the plan is purely a Palestinian homeland (and not driving the Jews into the sea). I'm sure they haven't changed their minds.

Nu?

UpTight

UpTight

I'm lost
December 2003

APR 29, 2008 08:09 AM

Uncognitive said:
Explain to me again how the 1948 UN Partition plan gave all of post-1920 Palestine to Israel again?



That plan fell through because - even though the Jews agreed to it - the Arabs decided they wanted ALL of Bilad al Sham.

The 97.5% they got through the creation of of Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, Trans-Jordan and another Arab state in British Mandate Palestine, wasn't enough!

I mean, how could they sleep with only 97.5% of the land, if the Jews picked up the remaining 2.5%? Greedy Jews!

So instead of the plan. Trans-Jordan & Egypt went in grabbed and annexed Gaza & the West Bank. They didn't assimilate the Palestinians, didn't give them the West Bank or Gaza (which they didn't want anyway) and eventually used the land to base a 1967 attack aimed at wiping out the Jews.

The Jews kicked their arses, won the land and we're where we are today.

I re-state my plan.

If this really is about a Palestinian homeland and NOT about removing the Jews, then leave the land on the West side of the Jordan to Israel (and its Jewish and Arab citizens), but allocate some land on the East Bank for the Palestinians.


UpTight

UpTight

I'm lost
December 2003

APR 29, 2008 08:14 AM

FearTheReaper said:
It might have some effect if I was a bloated, failed anything. Considering the response from the female members of SG to my video, I'm pretty okay with my appearance. .



PMSL


Uncognitive

Uncognitive

Brooklyn, NY
May 2003

APR 29, 2008 08:16 AM

Edit: Never mind, it's not worth the hassle.

Uncognitive

Uncognitive

Brooklyn, NY
May 2003

APR 29, 2008 08:21 AM

And again, not worth it, really. Thanks for playing.

UpTight

UpTight

I'm lost
December 2003

APR 29, 2008 08:47 AM

Uncognitive said:
Ah, so criticizing your "Israel should have ethnically cleansed the West Bank" and "the entire post-1920 British Mandate Palestine has been 100% Israel since 1948" take on Middle Eastern history is now "slander".

Not necessarily, but the "slander" I was referring to was the use of the term "Apartheid" to demonise Israel.

(Apartheid) can be used to criticize certain actions of the Israeli government



No it's a slander. A new age "acceptable" lefty blood libel. It is only really used to refer to Israel and not any of the other countries in the region who actually DO have apartheid-like characteristics.

Lefties don't brand Iran an apartheid state for their rank persecution of Ahwazi Arabs. But should Israel erect a wall to stop the daily terrorist attacks, then it's "an apartheid wall" (of course, Egypt's wall on the border with Gaza isn't an apartheid wall).

If Turkey & Iraq deny the Kurds a homeland - that's not apartheid, but even though Israel gave the Palestinians Gaza and are negotiating more land, Israel is an apartheid state.

Jordan is built on former British Mandate Palestine. 70% of its citizens are Palestinians, but even though they are ruled over by the foreign, ethic minority Hashemites, that's not apartheid. Israel gives full democratic rights to all its citizens but it's an apartheid state.

Israel has better rights for gay people than the US, it has no death penalty, unlike the US, it has freedom of speech unlike Syria, it allows mixed race marriage and has no segregated "blacks only" type areas, but still it's an apartheid state....if you are a fucking bigot with double standards.



UpTight said:
Forcibly removing people from the regions they've lived on for generations simply due to their ethnic origin is wrong. I can take the next few hours to list every single historical example of this and say I disapprove of them, if you want. Of course, I'm not the one endorsing ethnic cleansing, you are, so it's fucking hilarious for you to hop on your high horse now and make huffy demands of me.



strangely you never mentioned it when I brought it up earlier

sometimes (as with removing the Jews from Gaza) it is a practical necessity. Besides - they are only moving a few miles away. For the sake of peace, I think its a worthwhile sacrifice. The alternative is years more bloodshed.

Ah yes, removing some illegal settlements is exactly the same as your dream of purging Israel of those pesky Arab folks. How silly of me!



So - just to clarify - it would be "ethnic cleansing" if Arabs settlers were removed from land. Even if that land was occupied by the Arabs after Jordan & Egypt forcibly removed the Jews? But it would not be "ethnic cleansing" if Jews were removed from land previously annexed by Egypt and Jordan?


UpTight

UpTight

I'm lost
December 2003

APR 29, 2008 09:01 AM

Also - with regard to ethnic cleansing - I'm not sure you appreciate the scale of the geography. Moving from the West Bank to the East Bank would be like moving from New York to New Jersey. Like moving from LA to San Francisco.

...or in many cases, like moving from Brooklyn to Manhattan .

Hardly a huge shift in distance or culture, but for the inconvenience caused the Palestinians would get a homeland and both the Palestinians and the Israelis would get peace, security and sensible lands with natural borders.

It's a sacrifice worth making.

UpTight

UpTight

I'm lost
December 2003

APR 29, 2008 09:05 AM

Uncognitive said:
And again, not worth it, really. Thanks for playing.



game over?

just as well - I'm going out now

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