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Welcome. Are you prepared to read about this week’s worst human beings on the face of the Earth? Some people can’t handle it. Last week was a prime example. So, if you can’t – back your shit up now. Over the hundreds of years my people have been doing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, many weak people have come to understand it is too intense for their baby pants. After the first Asshole Fuckface of all time, Jan Pieterszoon Coen, was revealed, many people cried like children.

In 1621, Jan Pieterszoon Coen was the newly appointed Dutch governor-general of The Banda Islands. Coen forced the leading citizens, called the orang kava, to sign a treaty at gunpoint. The treaty was structured so that the orang kava could not hold up their end. Once a couple of violations were noted, Coen massacred the Bandanese as punishment. He hired Japanese mercenaries, who cut off the heads of forty orang kava and displayed their heads on spears. Then they went about massacring the locals.

When Coen began the massacre, there were around 13,000 people living on Banda. By the time the massacre was finished, only 1,000 Bandanese were left. They all became slaves. Turns out the Dutch needed a few Bandanese as laborers because of their expertise in nutmeg cultivation. Ever since The Banda Massacre, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces, so you can know whom to hate. It’s not pretty, so put on your rubber raincoat and prepare yourself for the worst of the worst.

My first Asshole Fuckface is a "performance artist." Normally I detest the use of quotes to undermine someone's trade, but in this case it is very appropriate.

Meet Jonathan Yegge. He’s a 24-year-old student at the San Francisco Art Institute, who apparently confuses art with being a complete moron. Last week, one of his professors, Tony Labat, asked Yegge to enlighten his fellow performance art students with a piece. Yegge hatched a brilliant idea.

First he asked for a volunteer from the class. Then he had the poor bastard sign a “contract” saying he agreed to participate in a performance piece that would include sexual and violent acts. Now, obviously the volunteer is a fucking moron. But that does not excuse what happened next.


Yegge led the volunteer out into a campus public area, in front of Labat's class and anyone else who happened by…

"He was tied up. He had a blindfold and a gag, but he could see and talk through it. He had freedom of movement of his pelvis," Yegge says, by way of defending his piece. "I engaged in oral sex with him and he engaged in oral sex with me. I had given him an enema, and I had taken a shit and stuffed it in his ass. That goes on, he shits all over me, I shit in him. There was a security guard present. There was an instructor from the school present. It was videoed, and the piece was over."


First of all, I didn’t even know you could take a shit and shove it in someone else’s ass. Congrats on breaking new ground, so to speak. You really took shit to a new level. Fantastic. You know who would have loved this? Michelangelo. He always wanted to blow a dude, give him an enema and then cram his shit into the dude’s anus – while in The Sistine Chapel.

Apparently the volunteer is a little bummed.


"He was pissed off, as he should be," says Ryan Castaneda, a friend of the volunteer. "He felt he was being violated. He just didn't think this was cool."


Uh, saying this was not cool is the understatement of the year. The volunteer complained to school officials – because another student shoved shit into his asshole. Man, I miss college!

Yegge is now on academic probation and is no longer allowed to have public sex on campus.


"If I have to not have sex on campus anymore, they'd better put that in the student handbook, and then we can decide whether that's an appropriate rule or not," says Yegge. "I mean, I'm on probation, and I can't have sex on campus, and anyone else can."


Way to get the point. You’re more of an Asshole Fuckface than I thought. Also, you’re not very good at sex.

Professor Labat was not impressed with the art.


"It was plain bad art," says Labat. "This was irresponsible in any context. It made me wonder why anyone would want to do a story about it. Why would anyone be interested in anything as basic as that? Nobody should be interested in that."


Really? You don’t know why anyone would want to do a story on public blow job/enema/shit fest? Have you ever met another human being?

Labat also neglected to mention that Yegge explaining the piece to him before it was performed. Oh, and he sat and watched it being performed. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that blowing a dude, giving him an enema, then shoving you shit into his ass takes a little while. Probably long enough to stop it.

The school is now, obviously, concerned about a lawsuit. Oh, and the volunteer’s mom is a judge.

Next up, Israeli Asshole Fuckfacery.

Jimmy Carter announced last week that he was going to meet with Hamas in an attempt to gauge “the group's willingness to accept Arab peace overtures.” It’s the kind of thing one might do if they want peace. You actually don’t get peace by never talking to your enemy. Crazy, huh?

Shin Bet is the Israeli security force that helps to protect visiting dignitaries. But they decided to take a pass on protecting Carter.


Israel's secret service declined to assist U.S. agents guarding former U.S. President Jimmy Carter during a visit in which Israeli leaders shunned him over his plans to meet Hamas, U.S. sources said on Monday.

"They're not getting support from local security," one of the sources said, on condition of anonymity.


Bold move. Really taking a stance there. Should work out great for you if Carter gets killed.

Carter pissed off Israelis when he described Israel’s policy in the occupied territories as "a system of apartheid" in a book two years ago. And then he says he wants to meet with Hamas. So, obviously he should die.

Sadly for Israel, Carter survived the meeting yesterday.

Maybe next time, huh?

Next up, Australia reveals past Asshole Fuckfacery.

This week we learned that that the Australian government performed some heinous acts on aboriginal children during the '20s and '30s. Australia is holding a Senate inquiry this week to determine how to compensate the “stolen generation” of aboriginal kids who were taken from their families and placed with whites. Now we find out they also used the kids as guinea pigs and injected them with leprosy serums. That’s some "Class A" Asshole Fuckfacery.


Ms. Mills said children held at a compound in Darwin were injected with serums designed to be used in the treatment of leprosy – a practice which seriously damaged their health. Her uncle, who worked there as a medical orderly, had told her about the sinister goings-on.

"He said it made our people very, very ill. The treatment almost killed them," she told reporters outside the hearing. "It was a common experience and a common practice."


Come on, how else were they supposed to find a cure for white people?

Many in Australia don’t believe the accusation and records to support the claim may be difficult to obtain – mostly because they contain information about using aboriginals as human guinea pigs. Who’s going to leave that lying around or dig it up?

Australia’s health minister has ordered an investigation into the claim. Good luck with that.

My final Asshole Fuckface has the worst alibi of all time.

Things have not been going well for the Republican commissioner of Cumberland County in Pennsylvania lately. Late last month, Bruce Barclay was accused of rape – by another man. That isn’t the kind of thing that the religious right expects.

Bruce was forced to retire and was fighting to keep his ass out of prison. Thankfully, he had made tapes of himself fucking tons and tons of dudes. All with hidden cameras. Yay!


On March 31st, police, investigating the allegation of rape by the 20-year-old Marshall McCurdy, obtained a warrant to search Barclay's home. They didn't find evidence of rape. But they did find videotapes of hundreds of sexual encounters with men that Barclay had filmed on high-tech surveillance cameras.


Turns out Bruce was hiring prostitutes from Harrisburgfratboys.com and then banging them on camera without their knowledge. I like to call that “Thursday night,” myself.


The cameras were hidden inside AM/FM radios, motion detectors and intercom speaker systems, among other places.


Thankfully, one of the illegal tapes showed the rape accuser engaging is consensual sex. Take that?


On April 10th, the rape charges were dropped. One of the videos found during the search showed Barclay and McCurdy engaging in apparently consensual sex.


No rape charges! Ha! But now Bruce may be facing privacy violations and promoting prostitution charges. And the rape accuser is looking at three years in jail for making false reports to police.

So, it’s a happy ending for everyone.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each win a FearTheReaper cape!

 

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AmbientLight

AmbientLight

Huntington Beach, CA
March 2005

APR 20, 2008 07:23 AM

eeeewwwww!!!

SergeantPsycho

SergeantPsycho

Hampton, VA
January 2007

APR 20, 2008 07:23 AM

MrCrisp said:

SergeantPsycho said:
No, that trying to make peace with Hamas is a futile effort, as they're not interested in Peaceful co-existance...



but who is?



The Israelis.

Bill_the_Satan

Bill_the_Satan

West Vancouver, BC
May 2005

APR 20, 2008 07:36 AM

SergeantPsycho said:

MrCrisp said:

SergeantPsycho said:
No, that trying to make peace with Hamas is a futile effort, as they're not interested in Peaceful co-existance...



but who is?



The Israelis.



Also the Palestinians.

SergeantPsycho

SergeantPsycho

Hampton, VA
January 2007

APR 20, 2008 07:46 AM


Bill_the_Cat said:
Which explains why they agreed to meet with Carter, a man best known for his willingness to kill without mercy. whatever



I think Carter has dillusions about how effective his intervention is.

Bill_the_Cat said:
Why is it that radical Conservative like to assume that it's ok to torture and kill innocents in the name of America, but if any group who opposes their brand of 'foreign policy' does the same they are instantly branded 'terrorist', which, according to the neo-con dictionary is defined as "an individual or group whose sole purpose in existing has become the rampant desire to wipe a given American Political Ally off the face of the Earth, without attempt or desire to reach a peaceful, political compromise"? The irony being that in this case it seems that it may be the Israelis who are unwilling to attempt a compromise. The fact is that peace will never be reached until each sides learn to recognize the validity of the others grievance.



I'm assuming you're not disputing the "wipe ... off the face of the Earth" part, so that then begs question, how do you do you compromise with some one whose goal is destroy you? Agree to let them destroy %50 of you? Does that sound like a fair percentage? I'd find it hard to find validity in a grievance like "You exist."

Bill_the_Cat said:
You can rail all you want about Hamas' methods, and I agree with you, but I can then point out that your own nation's recent track record of waging a "moral and just war" is severely lacking. But that's ok because your purpose is more noble, right?



We have rules on how we treat prisoners and civilians. When those rules get broken, the people responsible get punished, as evidenced by the Abu Ghraib guards now serving prison sentences. I've yet to see Al-Qaeda or Hamas punish anyone in their ranks for all the civilians they've killed.

Edit: F me for not proof reading my comments. frown

OhSoOrdinary

OhSoOrdinary

New York, NY
July 2006

APR 20, 2008 09:22 AM

I almost went to that school...

Bill_the_Satan

Bill_the_Satan

West Vancouver, BC
May 2005

APR 20, 2008 12:27 PM

SergeantPsycho said:

Bill_the_Cat said:
Which explains why they agreed to meet with Carter, a man best known for his willingness to kill without mercy. whatever



I think Carter has dillusions about how effective his intervention is.



I think you missed my point completely. If Hamas is willing to meet with Carter then your implication that they have no desire for peace is flawed. If they had no desire for peace they would never meet with someone trying to broker peace.

Bill_the_Cat said:
Why is it that radical Conservative like to assume that it's ok to torture and kill innocents in the name of America, but if any group who opposes their brand of 'foreign policy' does the same they are instantly branded 'terrorist', which, according to the neo-con dictionary is defined as "an individual or group whose sole purpose in existing has become the rampant desire to wipe a given American Political Ally off the face of the Earth, without attempt or desire to reach a peaceful, political compromise"? The irony being that in this case it seems that it may be the Israelis who are unwilling to attempt a compromise. The fact is that peace will never be reached until each sides learn to recognize the validity of the others grievance.



I'm assuming you're not disputing the "wipe ... off the face of the Earth" part,


Again with the incorrect assumptions. That's precisely what I'm disputing. What I'm not disputing is the abhorrence of their tactics

so that then begs question, how do you do you compromise with some one whose goal is destroy you?

Obviously you don't. Which is why the possibilty that they may be willing to negotiate peace gives people with open minds hope that, hey, maybe they're not simply interested in destroying the nation of Israel. Maybe their stated goal of securing a Palestinian homeland is their actual goal. Crazy idea that.

Agree to let them destroy %50 of you?
Does that sound like a fair percentage?

Yes, That's exactly what I mean. whatever

I'd find it hard to find validity in a grievance like "You exist."


How about "Our people were driven out of our Homeland in 1948, and as yet have never been compensated, or otherwise provided for." Seems like a pretty fair grievance to me.

Bill_the_Cat said:
You can rail all you want about Hamas' methods, and I agree with you, but I can then point out that your own nation's recent track record of waging a "moral and just war" is severely lacking. But that's ok because your purpose is more noble, right?



We have rules on how we treat prisoners and civilians.

Indeed, my point being that those rules have been heavily brutalized lately.

When those rules get broken, the people responsible get punished, as evidenced by the Abu Ghraib guards now serving prison sentences.

Does that mean we get to see the current administration tried for their condonement and endorsement of cruel and illegal interrogation methods? 'Cuz I really can't wait to witness that 3-ring circus.

I've yet to see Al-Qaeda or Hamas punish anyone in their ranks for all the civilians they've killed.


No. Fortunately the American government does occasionally get called to account for their actions. Rest assured though, If the events in Abu Ghraib hadn't been uncovered they would still be going on today. Thank god there is still some semblance of a free and impartial media down there.

Necia

Necia

San Francisco, CA
August 2005

APR 20, 2008 01:40 PM

I really, really don't get "performance art." surreal

You know, there was a time, before modern psychiatry, in which we didn't have issues like this because crazy people didn't make it to college. They got locked in the attic early on to play with their own poo by themselves and ended up developing into the familial legend of "Crazy Uncle Bob," told only in hushed whispers by the kids to one another and, as far as the kids could tell, resolutely ignored by all the adults in the family, even when the feral howling from upstairs interrupted Thanksgiving Dinner or Easter Brunch--ignored, except for the anxious, desperate plea issued from all the mothers to their children, the plea never, ever to open the attic door.

A good time, that was. A happier, more innocent time.

Now, instead, those kids grow up and go off to art school, and Crazy Uncle Bob is playing with his own poo not while locked in an attic, but while getting blown by a tied-up dude in the middle of the campus courtyard with an entire class and their professor watching on and struggling desperately to look all artsy and deep in thought about Heidegger and Derrida and whatever the fuck else instead of looking appropriately horrified--and the fear that the kids are stricken with is not that of what might happen if anyone opens the attic door, but that of what they themselves might have to do to pass their midterm exams.

Hell in a handbasket, folks. HELL in a HANDbasket.

*shakes head*

Subrosa

Subrosa

San Francisco, CA
July 2004

APR 20, 2008 01:47 PM

Necia said:
You know, there was a time, before modern psychiatry...



You don't know the history of modern psychiatry.

Necia

Necia

San Francisco, CA
August 2005

APR 20, 2008 01:59 PM

Subrosa said:

Necia said:
You know, there was a time, before modern psychiatry...



You don't know the history of modern psychiatry.



I know the history of locking Crazy Uncle Bob in the attic to prevent him from drawing up and executing weird contracts intended to allow him to poo in other people in public with impunity, though. That's the history I know.

Goddamn San Francisco values.

SergeantPsycho

SergeantPsycho

Hampton, VA
January 2007

APR 20, 2008 02:05 PM

Bill_the_Cat said:

I think you missed my point completely. If Hamas is willing to meet with Carter then your implication that they have no desire for peace is flawed. If they had no desire for peace they would never meet with someone trying to broker peace.



It's highly probable from Hamas's side that, they're trying to gain the benefits of legitimacy that a meeting with a former US president would confer.

Bill_the_Cat said:

Again with the incorrect assumptions. That's precisely what I'm disputing. What I'm not disputing is the abhorrence of their tactics



Bill_the_Cat Obviously you don't. Which is why the possibilty that they may be willing to negotiate peace gives people with open minds hope that, hey, maybe they're not simply interested in destroying the nation of Israel. Maybe their stated goal of securing a Palestinian homeland is their actual goal. Crazy idea that.



Very crazy considering their charter clearly states that:

1) "Israel will exist and will continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it"

And:

2) "There is no solution for the Palestinian question except through Jihad. Initiatives, proposals and international conferences are all a waste of time and vain endeavors."

Again, they're probably trying to take on the guise of pursuing peace, just so others in the "International Community" will side with them.

Bill_the_Cat said:
How about "Our people were driven out of our Homeland in 1948, and as yet have never been compensated, or otherwise provided for." Seems like a pretty fair grievance to me.



Actually they've been provided for quite well.

Oh yeah, and BTW, Canada also lists Hamas as a terrorist organization.

FearTheReaper

FearTheReaper

NEWSWIRE

I'm lost

APR 20, 2008 02:32 PM

I guess Israel shouldn't have created Hamas, huh?

It's called blowback.

Necia

Necia

San Francisco, CA
August 2005

APR 20, 2008 02:34 PM

Subrosa said:

Necia said:
You know, there was a time, before modern psychiatry...



You don't know the history of modern psychiatry.



Also:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Glib!

zoom image

Don't be it!

Bill_the_Satan

Bill_the_Satan

West Vancouver, BC
May 2005

APR 20, 2008 03:20 PM

SergeantPsycho said:

Bill_the_Cat said:

I think you missed my point completely. If Hamas is willing to meet with Carter then your implication that they have no desire for peace is flawed. If they had no desire for peace they would never meet with someone trying to broker peace.



It's highly probable from Hamas's side that, they're trying to gain the benefits of legitimacy that a meeting with a former US president would confer.

Bill_the_Cat said:

Again with the incorrect assumptions. That's precisely what I'm disputing. What I'm not disputing is the abhorrence of their tactics



Bill_the_Cat Obviously you don't. Which is why the possibilty that they may be willing to negotiate peace gives people with open minds hope that, hey, maybe they're not simply interested in destroying the nation of Israel. Maybe their stated goal of securing a Palestinian homeland is their actual goal. Crazy idea that.



Very crazy considering their charter clearly states that:

1) "Israel will exist and will continue to exist until Islam will obliterate it, just as it obliterated others before it"

And:

2) "There is no solution for the Palestinian question except through Jihad. Initiatives, proposals and international conferences are all a waste of time and vain endeavors."

also

...all religions can coexist in security and safety where their lives, possessions and rights are concerned.



And

They are the fighting against the false, defeating it and vanquishing it so that justice could prevail, homelands be retrieved and from its mosques would the voice of the mu'azen emerge...




Again, they're probably trying to take on the guise of pursuing peace, just so others in the "International Community" will side with them.


That's an interesting conjecture. However making those kinds of assumptions is dangerous and contrary to good diplomacy. It's assumptions like that which have led to the deplorable state of the relations with the middle-east to begin with.


Bill_the_Cat said:
How about "Our people were driven out of our Homeland in 1948, and as yet have never been compensated, or otherwise provided for." Seems like a pretty fair grievance to me.



Actually they've been provided for quite well.



The international community's action was based on the premise that it was imperative to garner all financial resources needed to make the agreement successful, and with a full understanding that in order for the Accords to stand in the face of daily challenges on the ground, ordinary Palestinians needed to perceive positive change in their lives.[12] Therefore, the donors had two major goals: to fuel Palestinian economic growth and to build public support for negotiations with Israel...
...Reality led, however, to a revision of the donors' priorities:[18] Out of concern that the deteriorating economic conditions could result in a derailment of the peace process, donor support was redirected to finance continued budgetary shortfalls, housing programs and emergency employment creation. According to a more critical approach, international aid in the mid 1990s supported PNA's bureaucracy[20] and belatedly promoted the centralization of political power, but in a way that did not enhance government capacity and harmed the PNGOs.[21] In 1994-1995 problems of underfunding, inefficiency and poor aid coordination marked donors' activity, and led to tensions among the different aid bodies, and between the international community and the PNA.
...a new donors' conference was convened, and over $2 billion was pledged to the PNA for 1999-2003.[25] Nevertheless, overall donor disbursements fell in 1998-2000, and the 1998 disbursements-to-commitments ratio was the lowest since 1994
...In those two years, Palestinian real GDP per capita shrunk by almost 40 percent.[30] The precipitator of this economic crisis was again a multi-faceted system of restrictions on the movement of goods and people
...Despite a significant increase in donor commitments in 2002 compared with 2001, commitments to infrastructure and capacity-building work with a medium-term focus continued to decline. In 2000, the ratio was approximately 7:1 in favor of development assistance. By 2002, the ratio had shifted to almost 5:1 in favor of emergency assistance.
...Although a mild positive growth returned in 2003 and 2005, this fragile recovery stalled as a result of the segmentation of the Gaza Strip, the stiff restrictions on movements of goods and people across the borders with Israel and Egypt, and the completion of the Israeli West Bank barrier.[35] As the World Bank stressed in December 2005, "growth will not persist without good Palestinian governance, sound economic management and a continued relaxation of closure by GOI."



With the limitations put on them by Israel, it's no wonder if the Western solution of throwing money at the problem, without providing the means to effectively put it to use is seen as an insult. It must be like being locked in a dungeon and thrown table-scraps at irregular intervals.

Oh yeah, and BTW, Canada also lists Hamas as a terrorist organization.



I never meant to imply that we didn't. They are a terrorist organization, by international definition. By their definition, however, they see themselves as freedom fighters. Perhaps they've realized that the only way to achieve any of their goals is through politics rather than conflict. Denying the possibility without first exploring it would be beyond irresponsible. It would be Bushesque.

SergeantPsycho

SergeantPsycho

Hampton, VA
January 2007

APR 20, 2008 03:44 PM

It's odd to me, that you've admitted to deploring their methods, yet some how figure they're unwilling to play the fake diplomacy card.

If it were me, I'd say let Israel annex Palestine. A lot of Palestinians are trying to sneak into Israel anyways, and most Israeli Arabs are better treated by the Israeli government than pretty much any other Arab citizens of Arab states are treated their goverment.

Bill_the_Satan

Bill_the_Satan

West Vancouver, BC
May 2005

APR 20, 2008 04:03 PM

SergeantPsycho said:
It's odd to me, that you've admitted to deploring their methods, yet some how figure they're unwilling to play the fake diplomacy card.

If it were me, I'd say let Israel annex Palestine. A lot of Palestinians are trying to sneak into Israel anyways, and most Israeli Arabs are better treated by the Israeli government than pretty much any other Arab citizens of Arab states are treated their goverment.



I'm not omitting the possibility, merely pointing out that if they are genuinely interested in brokering peace then failing to at least give them the opportunity to would be lunacy.

Permitting the annexation of Palestine would be explosive. I doubt Israel is even dumb enough to try.

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