Welcome. Are you prepared to read about this week’s worst human beings on the face of the Earth? Some people can’t handle it. Last week was a prime example. So, if you can’t – back your shit up now. Over the hundreds of years my people have been doing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, many weak people have come to understand it is too intense for their baby pants. After the first Asshole Fuckface of all time, Jan Pieterszoon Coen, was revealed, many people cried like children.

In 1621, Jan Pieterszoon Coen was the newly appointed Dutch governor-general of The Banda Islands. Coen forced the leading citizens, called the orang kava, to sign a treaty at gunpoint. The treaty was structured so that the orang kava could not hold up their end. Once a couple of violations were noted, Coen massacred the Bandanese as punishment. He hired Japanese mercenaries, who cut off the heads of forty orang kava and displayed their heads on spears. Then they went about massacring the locals.

When Coen began the massacre, there were around 13,000 people living on Banda. By the time the massacre was finished, only 1,000 Bandanese were left. They all became slaves. Turns out the Dutch needed a few Bandanese as laborers because of their expertise in nutmeg cultivation. Ever since The Banda Massacre, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces, so you can know whom to hate. It’s not pretty, so put on your rubber raincoat and prepare yourself for the worst of the worst.

My first Asshole Fuckface is a "performance artist." Normally I detest the use of quotes to undermine someone's trade, but in this case it is very appropriate.

Meet Jonathan Yegge. He’s a 24-year-old student at the San Francisco Art Institute, who apparently confuses art with being a complete moron. Last week, one of his professors, Tony Labat, asked Yegge to enlighten his fellow performance art students with a piece. Yegge hatched a brilliant idea.

First he asked for a volunteer from the class. Then he had the poor bastard sign a “contract” saying he agreed to participate in a performance piece that would include sexual and violent acts. Now, obviously the volunteer is a fucking moron. But that does not excuse what happened next.

First of all, I didn’t even know you could take a shit and shove it in someone else’s ass. Congrats on breaking new ground, so to speak. You really took shit to a new level. Fantastic. You know who would have loved this? Michelangelo. He always wanted to blow a dude, give him an enema and then cram his shit into the dude’s anus – while in The Sistine Chapel.

Apparently the volunteer is a little bummed.

Uh, saying this was not cool is the understatement of the year. The volunteer complained to school officials – because another student shoved shit into his asshole. Man, I miss college!

Yegge is now on academic probation and is no longer allowed to have public sex on campus.

Way to get the point. You’re more of an Asshole Fuckface than I thought. Also, you’re not very good at sex.

Professor Labat was not impressed with the art.

Really? You don’t know why anyone would want to do a story on public blow job/enema/shit fest? Have you ever met another human being?

Labat also neglected to mention that Yegge explaining the piece to him before it was performed. Oh, and he sat and watched it being performed. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that blowing a dude, giving him an enema, then shoving you shit into his ass takes a little while. Probably long enough to stop it.

The school is now, obviously, concerned about a lawsuit. Oh, and the volunteer’s mom is a judge.

Next up, Israeli Asshole Fuckfacery.

Jimmy Carter announced last week that he was going to meet with Hamas in an attempt to gauge “the group's willingness to accept Arab peace overtures.” It’s the kind of thing one might do if they want peace. You actually don’t get peace by never talking to your enemy. Crazy, huh?

Shin Bet is the Israeli security force that helps to protect visiting dignitaries. But they decided to take a pass on protecting Carter.

Bold move. Really taking a stance there. Should work out great for you if Carter gets killed.

Carter pissed off Israelis when he described Israel’s policy in the occupied territories as "a system of apartheid" in a book two years ago. And then he says he wants to meet with Hamas. So, obviously he should die.

Sadly for Israel, Carter survived the meeting yesterday.

Maybe next time, huh?

Next up, Australia reveals past Asshole Fuckfacery.

This week we learned that that the Australian government performed some heinous acts on aboriginal children during the '20s and '30s. Australia is holding a Senate inquiry this week to determine how to compensate the “stolen generation” of aboriginal kids who were taken from their families and placed with whites. Now we find out they also used the kids as guinea pigs and injected them with leprosy serums. That’s some "Class A" Asshole Fuckfacery.

Come on, how else were they supposed to find a cure for white people?

Many in Australia don’t believe the accusation and records to support the claim may be difficult to obtain – mostly because they contain information about using aboriginals as human guinea pigs. Who’s going to leave that lying around or dig it up?

Australia’s health minister has ordered an investigation into the claim. Good luck with that.

My final Asshole Fuckface has the worst alibi of all time.

Things have not been going well for the Republican commissioner of Cumberland County in Pennsylvania lately. Late last month, Bruce Barclay was accused of rape – by another man. That isn’t the kind of thing that the religious right expects.

Bruce was forced to retire and was fighting to keep his ass out of prison. Thankfully, he had made tapes of himself fucking tons and tons of dudes. All with hidden cameras. Yay!

Turns out Bruce was hiring prostitutes from Harrisburgfratboys.com and then banging them on camera without their knowledge. I like to call that “Thursday night,” myself.

Thankfully, one of the illegal tapes showed the rape accuser engaging is consensual sex. Take that?

No rape charges! Ha! But now Bruce may be facing privacy violations and promoting prostitution charges. And the rape accuser is looking at three years in jail for making false reports to police.

So, it’s a happy ending for everyone.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each win a FearTheReaper cape!