It’s Saturday. That means you lucky bastards are going to read about the horrible actions of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. This year is the 185th anniversary of Asshole Fuckfacery. The first was a Greek revolutionary named Lykurgos Logothetis. In 1822 he was commander of the island of Samos. The Samian people were itching for a fight with their Ottoman rulers and they wanted the good people of neighboring island Chios to join them. The Chios were not interested in fighting, or really being a part of anything.

So, Logothetis thought if he invaded Chios, then they would be forced to take sides and join him. But the Chians were not fighters. He ended up killing a bunch of them and taking over the island. Then the Turks got pissed that the Chians were helping the Greeks and Sultan Asshole Fuckface Mahmoud ll sent an army to kill all males over 12, all women aged over 40 and all two-year-old children.

When the Turks arrived, Logothetis sailed off in his ship, leaving his own men stranded on the island. The Turks then massacre the peaceful island people. Corpses filled the streets and clogged the harbor. When they ran out of Christians to kill, they burned the churches and monasteries. Although, they got lucky and burned 2,000 women and children alive in one monastery. You can still see the bones and skulls on display today.

Over 20,000 Chians were massacred and 45,000 were sold into slavery. There were so many slaves taken from Chios it caused a massive drop in slave prices throughout the region. Ever since Logothetis, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces every week. Today, I scour the news to find the worst of the worst and pull them into the light for you to mock. So, put on your goggles, this is going to be ugly.

First up, only an Asshole Fuckface would punish someone for flag waving.

In 1950, the Republic of South Maluka attempted to break away from Indonesia. The rebels were crushed within six months and the leaders scurried off to the Netherlands, where we can assume they sat around smoking pot and talked about going back someday.

Forty-nine years later, they got their shit together – or probably their kids. Or grandkids. The separatist Christians started up again eight years ago due to rising religious conflicts. Indonesia apparently has a strict no separatist policy and bad flag waving is forbidden. Very forbidden.

Wow. Just think what would have happened if he had actually done something wrong. Johan Teterisa was found guilty of treason because he coordinated the flag wave with a group of 28 dancers. At least he can spend the rest of his life knowing he stood up for what he believes in.

Oh well, never mind. The dancers are also learning about the horrors of flag waving.

It’s like Footloose Nation. Good luck with that.

Next up, you’re an Asshole Fuckface if you have a fake dude pregnancy.

By now, most of you should have heard of the “pregnant man.” His name is Thomas Beatie and he is pregnant. Tommy revealed his belly prize to the world last week in the latest issue of The Advocate.

Well, bully for you. But, I’d just like to say one thing to Tommy: Hey crazy lady with the vagina and no penis, you’re a lady. Just because you had your breasts cut off does not make you a dude. You’ve still got this thing between your legs called a “vagina.” People with penises are men, and those with vaginas are women. I learned that a long time ago and it has been quite handy information when I want to put my penis in a vagina. I know not to hit on dudes at bars.

The crazy part of this story is that the press is reporting it as a medical miracle.

PREGNANT MAN: THE 'MIRACLE' OF HAVING A BABY

PREGNANT US MAN DEFENDS RIGHT TO HAVE CHILD

PREGNANT MAN TELLS OPRAH: IT'S A MIRACLE

Wow, great headlines. Too bad none of them are true. Here’s what a true headline should say:

LADY WITH GIANT CLIT HAVING BABY.

Because that is all this Asshole Fuckface is. Tommy lopped off her breasts and took testosterone treatments to increase the size of her clit. She uses her clit as a cock and slips it into her disappointed wife. And Tommy has a VAGINA. That’s where the baby comes out. Babies don't come out of men's vaginas.

I could give a shit if a transsexual has a baby, just don’t try to pass yourself off as something you are not. You were born a lady, you’ve got lady parts and you get to have a baby. You are not a “pregnant man.”

Also, thank God Tommy and her wife went to the press. Now their kid will have an awesome life of scorn and ridicule. Also, some religious nut may try to kill Tommy. Good work, attention whores.

My next Asshole Fuckface is a bad, bad, bad woman.

Abigail London-Fife has to learn a bit of self-restraint. Abby suspected her husband of having sweet, sweet intercourse with other women. She had “intercepted” several phone calls and was clearly not going to let Leonard get away with it.

So, one night while she was going at it with her man, she pulled a knife out from under the bed and went Highlander on his balls.

I do love a good trust position, just without the knife slicing into my Johnson.

This week, Abby went to court for her vicious frank and beans assault. The judge was not pleased.

Exactly. But don’t knock the pot onto his penis. Abby’s attorney tried to explain how she is not such a bad gal.

“It was inappropriate to use a weapon?” So, it would have been better if she had punched him in the balls? Clearly, fisticuffs, or fisticocks, would have been more appropriate. Also, if you are hiding a knife under the bed, you’ve been thinking it out.

The Abby received a 12-month "conditional jail sentence." I don’t know what that means, but she spends the first six months under house arrest – hopefully dude has moved out. I think she should have to travel the country and apologize to guy’s balls for a year.

My next Asshole Fuckface is another crazy Muslim from Saudi Arabia.

Facebook is getting a bad rep in Saudi Arabia. Sheik Ali al-Maliki is leading the anti-Facebook charge, claiming it is destroying the youth.

Well, maybe that just means the price of food is low. You really haven’t made a good point. But the religious nutters of Saudi Arabia are making noise about the site. Facebook has 30,000 Saudi Arabia users, while 6,500 people have signed a petition to ban the site. They are mostly concerned that Facebook “Promotes homosexuality.” They do have a point, because almost every time I log onto Facebook I end up blowing a dude. And I’m not even gay.

But the real and obvious problem is that Facebook is fucking up the strict control of men over women. Women are signing up for accounts and not posting their pictures. It’s an anonymous world where they can say and do what they want. Now women are contacting dudes outside of their class system and families.

Now a father has been forced to kill his daughter for chatting on Facebook. He killed her to save her. Talk about a catch-22.

Well, that will teach her. She’ll definitely think twice before doing that again. And you can go to bed every night with the image of you beating and shooting your daughter dancing in your head, you Asshole Fuckface.

Finally, get used to Asshole Fuckfaces who don’t even know they’re racist.

Until November, expect to see some white Republican idiot making an ignorant racist comment every week. They are so used to making offensive comments to each other that they don’t even realize they are being an Asshole Fuckface when they make the same comments in public. Take David Bellavia, who introduced John McCain at an event on Wednesday.



Tiger Woods? Now, what does Tiger Woods have in common with Barack Obama? Oh, right, they are both part black. Kudos, fuckface. Not only did you compare Obama to Tiger Woods, but you picked the one partial black guy who NEVER LOSES. True Asshole Fuckfacery.

Oh, and those of you living in New York District 26, David Bellavia is running for Congress. Remember to vote!