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  • SATURDAY MARCH 22 2008 6:00 AM

Iraq Asshole Fuckface Roundup!

First of all, happy fucking birthday, Iraq War. You’ve had a rough couple of years and only the retarded seem to like you. You drew the short stick. I actually kind of hate you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t give you a special big 5 Asshole Fuckface birthday roundup!

This Iraq edition of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup will probably not be as funny as previous Roundups, mostly because of all the dead people. Sometimes dead people are funny, like when four people barbeque and eat another dude. That is inherently hilarious. But when a lady straps on a suicide bomb vest and blows herself up, taking 40 people with her – not so funny. In researching this Asshole Fuckface Roundup I discovered that Iraq is in far worse shape than I thought it was, which is pretty disturbing.

Let’s kick this fucker off with one of the Asshole Fuckfaces who came up with the “let’s invade Iraq” idea way back in 1993, then executed it 10 years later: Dick “I’m the worst human alive” Cheney. Dick has been making the rounds this week to celebrate Iraq's B-day. Whenever Dick speaks a small part of me dies. Last week, a segment of my colon perished when he tossed out this gem.



Oh, sweet pile of shit. Let's see if that looks better when it's written.


Raddatz: Two-thirds of Americans say it’s not worth fighting, and they’re looking at the value gain versus the cost in American lives, certainly, and Iraqi lives.

Cheney: So?

Raddatz: So — you don’t care what the American people think?

Cheney: No, I think you cannot be blown off course by the fluctuations in the public opinion polls.


Not so much. Two things, Dick. First, could you not smirk like an over the top Batman villain? Thanks. Second, there have not been “fluctuations” for over a year, monster. The American peeps have been against this shit for a long, long time – mostly because they aren’t retarded. See, a while ago, the American people stepped back and realized what happened. The Bush administration put a pile of dog shit in a paper bag, placed it on America's doorstep, set it on fire and rang their doorbell. America opened the door and stepped on the bag to put the fire out. Then they realized there was shit on their feet. Cheney and Bush keep trying to light the bag on fire. We’re upstairs cleaning off our shoes.

The great thing about Dick Cheney is when you let him out of his Hannibal Lecter restraints and face mask, the bastard really lets loose. He wasn't done with just his “so?” comment.


This long-term struggle became urgent on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001. That day we clearly saw that dangers can gather far from our own shores and find us right there at home.


9/11? Really? Seriously, when your heart finally stops (of natural causes) I am going to throw a party. I am going to throw a “Dick Cheney is dead” party and invite people. We are going to drink to your lack of life and probably have some cake. Sadly, there is a 77% chance that Dick Cheney will not die, but rather, shed his human skin, revealing his true demonic form, and then open the Hellmouth. We'll worry about that when the time comes.

Dick Cheney and George Bush are the ultimate Asshole Fuckfaces, playing a giant game or Risk (and losing) with actual people’s lives. People they could give a flying fuck about. Like this Iraqi, who is a blogger – and one of the last. Most Iraqi bloggers have left or been killed. He celebrated the fifth year anniversary by blogging about when it all went south.


I remember that ugly day, at May 2006 I was sitting with my wife in the garden, we were having such a good time; singing together, talking about our love and the future plans…when I heard a car drift and then a loud conversation…I heard one word "please, I beg you, take the car and leave me, I have a family, please" at this time. I knew it wasn't a regular fight, I jumped from my chair and headed to the street when I heard "Alah oa`kbar" followed by three bullets and then two cars moved fast. When I reached the street I couldn't see anything wrong, till the neighbors came out and they spotted the dead body, I ran to him but he was lying on his face in a corner drowned in a pool of his blood, he was dead, he was a shop owner in the neighborhood. Many of the neighbors were screaming hysterically "what god has to do with this?” another said "What Islam is this, Islam is not like that to say Alah oa`kbar before killing an innocent man?" The scene was really heart breaking he was lying there and the fruits he had bought for his family was scattered around him mixed with his blood.

He was the first victim of sectarian violence in Adhamiya district; he was killed because he was Shiite. The next day 4 Shiite shop owners were killed, a day after that an explosion and 7 dead people ….it continued escalating like that till there was no one else to kill. All the Shiites have left the neighborhood, many Sunnis too. Majority of the shops were closed, the streets are almost empty, because it doesn't matter whether you are a Sunni or a Shiite anymore, you'll be killed for no reason that you know. It reached a level that dead bodies are left in the streets for days because if anyone from the neighborhood picks them he will be killed and the police is afraid to pick them because they might be wired and may explode on them, I remember there was a female hair dresser who was dragged by her hair out of her shop and killed in the street, her dead body remained for days in the street because AlQaeda thinks that it's a sin that a women goes to a saloon!


Check out his hood. Looks awesome!



It only takes a few Asshole Fuckfaces to destroy a city. The first Asshole Fuckface was Saddam. Then came Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. Now the place is a hellhole because of religious fanatic Asshole Fuckfaces.



They live a daily nightmare in a city that has been separated by walls. Religious Asshole Fuckfaces scurry about, killing and maiming those trying to live a normal life. Two weeks ago, Iraqis experienced another one of hundreds of mini 9/11s since the US invaded. Asshole Fuckfaces in Baghdad blew up two bombs, killing 54 people and injuring 100.


A shoe salesman, Hatam, said the first bomb slammed him to the ground. He got up, looked behind him, and ran to aid a woman whose leg had been ripped off by the blast.

“We managed to drag her away from the spot, and then the police came really quickly, and they were shouting at the people to move back because there might be another explosion,” he said. “But the people didn’t listen, and even some of the policemen who were already there didn’t pay attention, and that is when the second explosion happened.”

This time, Hatam said, he walked away. “I couldn’t go back again,” he said. “The scene was so horrible, and I lost the energy to see dead people.”


At some point, one apparently becomes too tired to see dead people. Hatam had reached his limit. Must have been a nice walk out of the bomb site.


The explosions sprayed chunks of human flesh for 50 yards. The second bomb, about 10 minutes after the first, killed more people. A number of Iraqi soldiers and police officers who hurried in after the first attack were among the dead and wounded.

The attack “was like an electric shock, it happened so suddenly nobody could avoid it,” said Abu Abdullah, who operates a kebab stand nearby. “Some people were burning, and I saw some without legs.”


Notice you don’t hear the Republican hordes of Asshole Fuckfaces telling us the Iraqis are now better off than they were under Saddam -- because they obviously are not. They are living in American created misery and now a few are living in it without legs. Of course, they are not dead, like so many, who were killed by Asshole Fuckfaces and buried out in the desert in unmarked graves.



Things aren’t exactly roses here on the American side, either. The cost of this war is disgustingly high – which is the exact opposite of what we were told before the invasion, by our Asshole Fuckface leaders.


At the outset of the Iraq war, the Bush administration predicted that it would cost $50 billion to $60 billion to oust Saddam Hussein, restore order and install a new government.


How’d that work out? Maybe they meant to say “a day” at the end of that estimate.


There is general consensus that Congress will have allocated slightly more than $600 billion for Iraq operations through the 2008 fiscal year.

And some analysts say that may be half the final price.

Joseph E. Stiglitz, a Nobel Prize-winning economist and critic of the war, pegs the long-term cost at more than $4 trillion. The Congressional Budget Office and other analysts say that $1 trillion to $2 trillion is more realistic.


Oh, cool. I was worried about $4 trillion. $1 trillion is a lot closer to the original price tag of $60 billion, right? I’ve never seen numbers before, so this sounds great.

Finally, we have lost nearly 4,000 soldiers in Iraq. Think about that number, then go back up to the top of this article and watch the video of Cheney smirking. When you're watching Cheney, also think about his 5 deferments during the Vietnam War. That is the smirk of a coward. Then come back down and read about guys like Army Staff Sgt. Ernesto Guadalupe Cimarrusti. He died on March 10th, killed by a roadside bomb, that was planted by Asshole Fuckfaces.


He had re-enlisted for another four years just two weeks before he and four other soldiers were killed by a suicide bomber inside a relatively secure section of Baghdad.

He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 64th Armor Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 3rd Infantry Division, based out of Fort Stewart, Ga.


As much as I think he shouldn’t have re-enlisted, at least Ernesto died doing something he believed in. Doesn’t really matter if I think it was a waste of a life, if he felt differently.

Either way, there are now almost 4,000 Ernestos because a group of Asshole Fuckfaces in the White House didn’t know what in the fuck they were doing. We have now created a training ground for terrorists, destabilized the most important real estate on Earth and have no way out.


    Iraqis killed - 1 million and counting.
    US soldiers killed - 3,993 and counting.
    US soldiers wounded - Nobody knows because the Department of Defense are lying Asshole Fuckfaces.


Oh, and George Bush's actions have led to far more civilian deaths than under Saddam Hussien. George is the all time leading Iraqi Asshole Fuckface. Congrats.

 

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Comments
AmbientLight

AmbientLight

I'm lost
March 2005

MAR 22, 2008 07:31 AM

I believe that Bush and Cheney knew exactly how this would all play out. They knew that al Qaeda would use this war to move into a region where they had been banned by Hussein and use this as a training ground. I think it was their intent to turn this handful of misfits into a world-wide, battle-hardend network, to insure we would have to be engaged in a terrorist war (and hopefully WW III), for many future generations.

You see... It's all part of God's plan.

OpticNerve

OpticNerve

Arlington, MA
November 2003

MAR 22, 2008 09:05 AM

Thank you for posting those clips of the documentary. You forgot one Asshole Fuckface: the American people. Why there aren't mass civil disobedience and mass protests to force the American government to clean up its mess and leave Iraq is a fuckin' embarassment for your country.

LoneRonin

LoneRonin

Fresno, CA
February 2008

MAR 22, 2008 09:41 AM

That was a very well written article. Usually I get really pissed when people start talking about Iraq. Not because of their opinions on the war but because they dont know what the fuck they are talking about. They pull shit out of their ass that some friend of a friend told them they saw on the news. I dont care if your for the war or against it as long as your making an educated opinion. But anyway great article keep it up.

brandxofttl

brandxofttl

Scranton, PA
March 2007

MAR 22, 2008 10:01 AM

OpticNerve said:
Thank you for posting those clips of the documentary. You forgot one Asshole Fuckface: the American people. Why there aren't mass civil disobedience and mass protests to force the American government to clean up its mess and leave Iraq is a fuckin' embarassment for your country.



I absolutely agree 110%. The worst part of it is that those who do protest get mocked for it, saying it's just a useless endeavor. I've been to quite a few myself over the past few years, and every time we had people throwing things at us, telling us to "get jobs" and calling us "hippies," when we're obviously just a bunch of concerned citizens who all go to work and pay bills just like everyone else. Most people would rather bitch from their armchair because it's easier and doesn't disrupt the daily routine we're all so used to. The government doesn't fear the people's backlash anymore because there's been not one negative consequence for those in charge since the war started. They've profited from our apathy and will continue to do so because what people really fear is that the troops we're supposed to be supporting are the very troops that the government would use against us if people really did protest in Washington. Everybody just wants to be a "good citizen" and put their head down, which is exactly why this will continue.

401kboy

401kboy

Woodbridge, NJ
May 2007

MAR 22, 2008 10:29 AM

One reason that Cheney and Bush have to keep claiming that the invasion and occupation of Iraq has been a success is that if they acknowledged the reality they would feel so guilty suicide would be their only option. This administration is pathological, living in a fantasy world because the real world they created sucks.

In fact, suicide would be an honorable act on both their parts. The first.

SergeantPsycho

SergeantPsycho

USA
January 2007

MAR 22, 2008 11:53 AM

I usually make comments, but this time I'm going to take a different route:

It's obvious what we can do about our current leader Asshole Fuckfaces: not much until their time in office is up. So, that then brings the question: what about the Religious Asshole Fuckfaces, what's the solution to that problem?

SergeantPsycho

SergeantPsycho

USA
January 2007

MAR 22, 2008 11:54 AM

Trevor

Trevor

Colorado Springs, CO
July 2003

MAR 22, 2008 12:03 PM

And people wonder why I loath my birthday so much... tongue

Which reminds me that I need to call my friend Heather, who just happened to be born on 9/11. We're the birthday wonder-twins of doom.

-T

SergeantPsycho

SergeantPsycho

USA
January 2007

MAR 22, 2008 12:17 PM

Trevor said:
And people wonder why I loath my birthday so much... tongue

Which reminds me that I need to call my friend Heather, who just happened to be born on 9/11. We're the birthday wonder-twins of doom.

-T



Oi, and I thought being born on Friday the 13th was bad! (Go ahead and laugh it up, everyone)

JekyllAndHyde

JekyllAndHyde

Austin, TX
April 2005

MAR 22, 2008 01:08 PM

SergeantPsycho said:
I usually make comments, but this time I'm going to take a different route:

It's obvious what we can do about our current leader Asshole Fuckfaces: not much until their time in office is up. So, that then brings the question: what about the Religious Asshole Fuckfaces, what's the solution to that problem?



Seeing as how they've kind of been around since the dawn of time, probably not much, despite the neocons' wet dream of killing an idea with physical weapons.

john8boy

john8boy

Honolulu, HI
March 2004

MAR 22, 2008 02:37 PM

As much as I was for the war in Iraq mainly because like everyone else we needed to vent in the aftermath of 911.

But now after 800,000 Iraqis were killed in the last 5 years and a once striving city lay in ruin all on the premise of lies and deceit of our government. Bush actually said we will rebuild their city and how will they repay us, with oil of course. Such irony, they are paying us for destroying their cities and killing thousands.

What scares me most, its now time to pay the piper, karma, what goes around etc. The wrath of God or the force of karma, can be the most devastating and fearful. Japan, Germany, Russia USSR (Afghanistan) suffered immensely for their transgressions.

Americans have done great things and have relieve much suffering in the world, but this time I don't know it will be enough.

Unfortunately, I believe, we may be headed for a reckoning unlike anything seen before.

Horrorflick

Horrorflick

Detroit, MI
February 2003

MAR 22, 2008 02:38 PM

401kboy said:
One reason that Cheney and Bush have to keep claiming that the invasion and occupation of Iraq has been a success is that if they acknowledged the reality they would feel so guilty suicide would be their only option. This administration is pathological, living in a fantasy world because the real world they created sucks.

In fact, suicide would be an honorable act on both their parts. The first.



If those two committed suicide, that is the only time I would have ever respected either of them. They can take the whole fucking cabinet with them as far as I'm concerned. As far as protest is concerned, brandxofttl is right, nobody protests at home so nothing gets done. I'll go one further than that and say that any real choice we have in our "democracy" is gone and it's been replaced by the illusion of ownership of our own futures and the future of our society. Whoever takes over in '08 is just going to keep on making sure that the rich stay rich and figuring out newer and better ways to fuck the rest of us right in the ass... puke

SergeantPsycho

SergeantPsycho

USA
January 2007

MAR 22, 2008 03:16 PM

Horrorflick said:
Whoever takes over in '08 is just going to keep on making sure that the rich stay rich



And what, in your opinion
should the next president do, with regards to the rich?

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

MAR 22, 2008 03:16 PM

SergeantPsycho said:
I usually make comments, but this time I'm going to take a different route:

It's obvious what we can do about our current leader Asshole Fuckfaces: not much until their time in office is up. So, that then brings the question: what about the Religious Asshole Fuckfaces, what's the solution to that problem?



how is that our problem? I understand completely that the religious asshats in Iraq are in fact Asshole Fuckfaces killing in the name of their God. I hate seeing it, especially over something as theoretical as religion. With our presence or not Iraq is going to go through a civil war, that civil war will determine the outcome of the country. Us being there is just drawing more death and dismay and prolonging that civil war.

I don't agree with killing as a means of spreading your religious attributes, but the U.S. stepping in to stop it, is like another country invading our country to try to stop abortion. The invasion itself is going to create more death. It's a decision that needs to be made by the people of the country, not by another country. (*Abortion* is just being used as an example)

We have no right to push our way of life, or our governmental procedures on any other country. Democracy works in our country, kind of, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to work in all countries. Not everyone is going to welcome it and some are going to stand firmly against it. The solution to Iraq's problems needs to be found by the Iraqi people, not by a third party, especially a democratically bias third party.

Protesting the war is a grand idea. I applaud anyone that takes the time to do it in any way. Overthrowing our own government is not going to fix anything. Martial Law is unorganized and would only create a complete split between our country, we'd have states succeeding from the Union again. The United States would end up with walls, just like in those videos, separating us so we don't kill each other.

On top of that, you would have people, that really don't care about the Iraq war using it as an excuse to kill. Overthrowing a government and mass civil disobedience in the name of the Iraq war has the potential to be abused by people who slap the "I am against the Iraq War" label on it. Much like "terrorism" gets slapped on everything by the Government. They would use it as an excuse to eliminate people that they don't agree with and it may not have anything to do with the Iraq War.

I don't want to live like that. I hate what our government is doing. Hate it. But me going out and fighting against a National Guard Soldier isn't going to fix anything, all it's going to do is create more violence.

I just keep sitting here, and repeating to myself that in November we can make a change, and hopefully whoever is set into office can make changes to the current ordeal, and try to come up with a solution to this mess, it will not be easy.

lefthandright

lefthandright

New Zealand
September 2006

MAR 22, 2008 03:27 PM

just a suggestion, maybe you should think about changing your country motto of 'Home of the brave.' To the more appropriate, 'Slavery, capitalism and violence...it just gets shit done.'

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