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Asshole Fuckface Roundup #37
SATURDAY MARCH 15 2008 6:00 AM
Submitted by FearTheReaper. Edited By erin_broadley.
TAGS: Sally Kerns, Toilet lady
God set aside today for the minions to read the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Many people have asked me over the years the name of the very first Asshole Fuckface. I believe anyone asking such a question is an Asshole Fuckface. Why can’t you just be happy with the current crop of Asshole Fuckfaces? Must we always live in the past? Did Eckhart Tolle go through intense suffering and come to a profound realization so idiots could constantly ramble about the past? No, he did not. Get the fuck over it.
I bring you the worst people on the Earth every week, so that you may feel better about yourself. The key to happiness is knowing others are beneath you, rolling around in their own filth. So, put on your vinyl hoodie and let’s get this bitch started.
First up, an Asshole Fuckface school security officer is roaming around the Bronx.
This incident came to light this week due to a lawsuit, but the actual Asshole Fuckfacery was committed in 2006. Two years ago, Jaden Diaz and Christopher Brito were a couple of four-year-olds in pre-school at CS 2211. They made the horrible mistake of refusing to take a nap during naptime. You don’t refuse to nap when Asshole Fuckfaces are in charge.
The substitute teacher took them into an empty classroom and left them alone. Did I mention they were both four? That’s when the school safety officer entered and HAND CUFFED THEM.
The school-safety officer entered the room, cuffed the boys' wrists - and further terrified them by telling they that they would never see their parents again.
"I wasn't shot, but my hands were tied," Christopher, now 5, recalled, according to his mother, Vasso Brito, a 34-year-old office worker - who says the little guy is now scared of police officers.
Nap, motherfucker! Nap or I will kill you!
"He was police," Jaden said. "He said, 'You know what happens when you don't go to sleep in there...'When you go to jail, you're not going to have no fun, no TV, no toys.' "
Oh, he forgot to mention rape. Any four-year-old in prison is going to be raped. Now, go to sleep.
Next up, a group of Asshole Fuckfaces who define the term “blind faith.”
The rumors started a couple of months ago. The Virgin Mary was appearing in the Kottayam district of India. People began flocking to the site, to get a glimpse of Mother Mary, who was apparently in the sky. Exciting mysterious events were also happening in a house.
The house in question has been the centre of local rumors for a few months. The hotelier, who has since moved to another house, had claimed that statues of Mother Mary in his house have been crying honey and bleeding oil and perfumes.
Last week, there was a “mad rush” to get to Kottayam. Hundreds of Asshole Fuckfaces came and looked into the sky, staring at the sun until they lost their sight.
St Joseph’s ENT and Eye Hospital in Kanjirappally alone has recorded 48 cases of vision loss due to photochemical burns on the retina. “All our patients have similar history and symptoms. The damage is to the macula, the most sensitive part of retina. They have developed photochemical, not thermal, burns after continuously gazing at the sun,” Dr Annamma James Isaac, the hospital’s ophthalmologist, said.
It’s really a shame they weren’t actually able to jump into the sun.
The health department has now put up a signboard at the hotelier’s house near Erumeli, where the divine image is said to have appeared, warning people against exposing their eyes to sunlight.
Asshole Fuckfaces who have to be told not to stare at the sun until they can’t see don’t deserve sight. But apparently the warning and the hospitalizations aren’t stopping the faithful.
There are quite a few people still seeking the miracle, despite the experiences of their unfortunate predecessors and strict health warnings against gazing at the sun with the naked eye.
Keep up the good work, the Lord would be proud of you.
Next up, an Asshole Fuckface who refused to shit or get off the pot.
A couple of years ago, in Wichita, Kansas, Pam Babcock went to the bathroom. She never returned. I don’t want to make it sound like she disappeared in a ghost bathroom. Pam just went and sat down on the toilet and then decided that’s where she wanted to spend the rest of her life.
To make the story even more fucked up, it wasn’t even her house. She was at her boyfriend Kory McFarren's house. Kory did his best to get her to come out. As most of us would have done, he brought her food and water (not needed) and “asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.”
"And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."
Yeah, tomorrow’s good. Finally, Kory called the cops -- after two fuckng years.
When the cops arrived, to say the situation did not look good would be an understatement.
Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied.
Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat.
Well, at least she had a place to shit. It’s called a silver lining people – don’t let anyone tell you I’m a cynic. Some people see a toilet bowl covered in lady, I see a toilet bowl... nevermind.
"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."
"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."
And yet, incredibly comfortable.
"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.
At some point in your life, you have to get off the toilet and face the world – or at least the couch. Or, just roll into the hallway.
Police have still not determined whether or not they will file charges against the boyfriend. Hopefully those two crazy kids can work it out. Although, I’m going to make a bold statement and say that their sex life was not great. Oh, God, I hope it was not great.
That boyfriend didn’t know when to draw the line. My next Asshole Fuckface was a bit too quick on the trigger.
A Chinese couple was married on February 2nd, but it didn’t last long. It was reported they fought a lot in their brief marriage and on March 4th, shared a bottle of booze after an argument. Oh, and dude had smelly feet.
"At about 10 p.m., Luo watched her husband get into bed without cleaning or washing his feet. In a fit of anger and intoxication, she set fire to the sheet he was sleeping in," the report said.
"When he awoke, the two began fighting before a very drunk Wang collapsed. As fire engulfed the bedroom. Luo escaped to the living room, leaving her other half to burn," it added.
I’m guessing his feet actually smell worse now. Burned flesh kind of reeks. The bride has been arrested.
Finally, we’re going to wrap up the Roundup with a bit more religious Asshole Fuckfacery.
Sally Kern is an Oklahoma State Legislator. And her life is in jeopardy because she is brave enough to be Asshole Fuckface. Listen.
Sweet. Someone who is not an Asshole Fuckface recorded Sally and her speech was placed on the internet. Now, Sally is facing quite a bit of criticism -- but she is not backing down.
I said nothing that was not true, I said nothing out of hate and I don't believe my colleagues will censure me.
No, nothing hateful at all. You’re just a lady claiming that people’s sexual orientation will destroy our country. I don’t know how anybody could see that as hateful.
"I was speaking about the homosexual activists who are aggressively funding pro-homosexual candidates against conservative Republicans," Kern said. "In 2006, they targeted conservatives across the nation, mostly at the state and local levels. They took out 50 of them."
That's called Democracy and a difference of political opinions, sweetie. Kern has been fighting the Asshole Fuckface battle against gays for a long time. She entered the Oklahoma House in 2004 and attempted to block funding for libraries that "did not segregate books with homosexual or sexually explicit material from children's sections."
Like "Farmer Walter’s Magic Anus and The Sausage", for instance. Also, "Man Man, Rub Rub, Happy Happy," and "Those Balls Fit in My Mouth!"
Rumors are now surfacing that Sally may have a gay man-child. An online “gay news service” called Queerty is floating the rumor that her son, James Kern, may be gay James Kern.
The Republican state legislator behind what has become one of the most notorious homophobic tirades in history may have a gay son.
On Wednesday, March 12, the gay online news service Queerty reported that one of Kern’s two grown sons, Jesse, is gay. The report was based on comments posted on Web sites by readers who alleged that Jesse Kerns had been disciplined for cruising toilets while a student at Oklahoma Baptist University.
Oh, my. Cruising toilets for gay sex at a Baptist University? How totally not shocking. James, of course, is denying his desire for sweet man anus.
Kern said that he chooses to be celibate, but he is not homosexual.
"First of all, no one's sexuality is anyone's business. It is not even my mother's business," he said. "I practice celibacy to give to my God," he said.
Uh, what? I was with you when you said that first sentence, but then you drove the bus off a cliff and it burst into flames, smashed into a deep valley, exploded, turned into a ball of metal, crashed through the Earth’s crust, entered the inner core and destroyed the planet.
Kern said his mother's comments apparently were taken out of context. He has not chosen to listen to the audio version that has been disseminated widely throughout the nation.
That’s how I know something has been taken out of context – putting my hands over my ears and screaming. Oh, I should also mention that Jimbo is 31. Sally’s done a fine job with that boy.
He said the purpose of sex is reproduction, and it is the function of the animal body.
"But we are more than animals, and we can use sex for a tool of deep relationship with another person."
Dude, try anal. Seriously. Or a blowjob. Get your dick in something moist. In a matter of minutes you will know how so very wrong you are. Wait, turns out gay Jimmy does know.
Meanwhile, more internet chatter led us to the Oklahoma State Courts Network, a beautiful internet archive of the state’s criminal records. And guess what we found?! Three - count ‘em, three! - cases against a man named Jesse Jacob Kern, who may or may not be related to Sally and Steve Kern, who just happen to have a son named Jesse.
The first Kern case involved some attempted oral sodomy and went down, so to speak, on March 27, 1989. That charge was dismissed by request of the state on June 9, 1989. What’s most interesting, however, is that this Mr. Kern just happened to be in court on that same day on a charge of trying to “obtain money by false pretenses,” whatever that means. Kern also stepped up to a driving under suspension charge. He was convicted of both on October 10, 1989.
Oh, dear. I do love the internets. Accept the cock, Jimmy. It’s your only way out of this mess.
Before I wrap up this Kern Asshole Fuckface nonsense, I feel I have to mention what Sally is up to in the Oklahoma State House. She is one of a few lawmakers pushing HB 2211. It’s a fantastic law.
The bill requires public schools to guarantee students the right to express their religious viewpoints in a public forum, in class, in homework and in other ways without being penalized. If a student’s religious beliefs were in conflict with scientific theory, and the student chose to express those beliefs rather than explain the theory in response to an exam question, the student’s incorrect response would be deemed satisfactory, according to this bill.
The school would be required to reward the student with a good grade, or be considered in violation of the law. Even simple, factual information such as the age of the earth (4.65 billion years) would be subject to the student’s belief, and if the student answered 6,000 years based on his or her religious belief, the school would have to credit it as correct.
So, a kid could just write, “God did it” on his geology test and get a passing grade. Fucking amazing.
Seacrest out.
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