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Father's Rights; Another Myth in the United States

SUNDAY MARCH 16 2008 7:35 AM

Submitted by DevilsReject. Edited By Sean.

TAGS: Children, Fathers, Single Parents, Dad

On October 16, 1999, at 12:58 in the afternoon, my life had changed, forever. After rushing my wife at the time to the local emergency room, her water broken, she finally gave birth to my daughter after 21 hours of labor.

I was an emotional mess. Watching the birth of my daughter had to be one of the most humbling moments of my life. Feelings of joy, seeing all ten fingers, and all ten toes, overwhelming feelings of love, and fear for her future and how I was going to provide for her had overtaken me.

I then decided it was my time to exit this marriage due to many personal and viable reasons. I stayed in it because I know how Father's Rights are an outright myth in Family Court. I had decided to go after full custody of my daughter. I filed for emergency custody and had custody of my daughter within a week of leaving my ex-wife.

I really had underestimated what I was in for. My custody battle lasted 3 and a half years in the Family Court System.

A large number of children are ordered to see a child psychologist when divorce is filed. Counselors and psychologists are encouraged by our system to give bad reports against a father. Fathers are automatically presumed capable of abuse before any mother.



I personally was made out to be just short of a rapist/serial killer/child molesting/psycho by my ex-wife. The State of Ohio immediately looked down upon me and took her side, simply by her allegations. I wasn't battling against just my ex-wife. I was battling against the Court System's natural bias against fathers, and the idea that if the mother says it, it must be true. I was struggling to prove myself innocent, even though there was absolutely no truth to the allegations.

I dealt with lawyers telling me that father's aren't the best parent, I dealt with judges saying the same thing, I dealt with an inept Child Cervices program telling me that I was using my daughter to hurt my ex-wife, simply because I wanted custody of her.

I got do deal with things like Child Services agents that would call her ahead of time, arrange a time to come to her house and view her parental skills. The ex-wife could manage to make herself look golden in that time. Meanwhile, they just dropped by my house anytime they wanted, unannounced.

Finally, after 3 and a half years my custody battle came to an end. Why you ask? Did the court system and child services investigate to prove who the better parent was? Did they spend hours upon hours with each parent to find the truth in who my daughter belonged with?

No. What it came down to is that my ex-wife wanted to re-marry. My lawyer was smart enough to write in the legal documentation that divorce wasn't granted until custody was decided. I didn't plan on giving up my crusade for custody of my daughter so that my ex-wife could get re-married. She finally folded and signed custody over to me.

I went from a rapist/serial killer/child molesting/psycho to a suitable father within the time it took for her to sign her name on a piece of paper. The courts didn't question it once, child services never piped up and said anything. It was just okay because she signed over custodial rights. I spent a lot of time, and money, to prove that I was the better parent and to defend myself against all the false allegations she made. It was all a moot point, she signed over custody, they didn't care if I was the better parent, they didn't care if I was a rapist/serial killer/child molesting/psycho, she signed the piece of paper.

I did it though, I beat the odds.

An Ohio study published in Family Advocate found that fathers seeking sole custody obtain it in less than 10% of cases, and a Utah study conducted over 23 years found similar results. According to the 2000 Census Bureau report, mothers comprise 85% of all custodial parents.



In an era when a person's actions are blamed on the lack of a father figure in a child's life, the Family Court system is doing just about everything it can to force a father away from his child.

The presence (or absence) of a father in a child's life is one of the largest factors in predicting whether a child will graduate high school, attend college, become involved in crime or drugs, or get pregnant before age 18. The greatest and least recognized force behind America's epidemic of fatherlessness is the way courts allow custodial mothers to drive fathers out of their children's lives.



This is an important issue to me in the upcoming election. Once you live something it kind of has this way of sticking with you, and you want to hear what the candidates have to say.

When John McCain was questioned about Father's Rights, this was his response:

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, I am not going to overturn divorce court decisions. That's why we have courts and that's why people go to court and get a divorce. If I as President of the United States said this decision has to be overturned without the proper appeals process then I would be disturbing our entire system of government... But for me to stand here before all these people and say that I'm going declare divorces invalid because someone feels that they weren't treated fairly in court, we are getting into a, uh, uh, tar baby of enormous proportions."



Wait. What? "Tar baby of enormous proportions". Who the hell says something like that and doesn't expect to offend someone. He later apologized for this statement. Well. Not the entire statement which basically amounts to "I am sorry our Family court system is all Asshole Fuckfaced up, get bent". He apologized because he said "Tar baby".

Barack Obama has introduced legislation to give men the chance to do the right thing, making it easier to be a responsible father.

Congress can make it easier for those who make that responsible choice—and make it harder for those who avoid it. This legislation will provide support for fathers who are trying to do the right thing in making child-support payments by providing them with job training and job opportunities......



Great. I am happy that he is making it easier for men to pay child support that they should be paying anyway. But what about us guys that have full custody and have mothers that don't pay child support? What about my rights as a father in Family Court? This bill is falling under great criticism amongst Father's Rights Advocates.

Finally we can't forget Hillary Clinton

Hillary will restore funding for child support enforcement to make sure that fathers do their part to support their children. But she will also reward responsible fatherhood by ensuring that every dollar of child support payments directly benefits children and expanding the EITC to give fathers more economic opportunities to do right by their kids.



Once again, more talk of making it easier to for the man to pay child support, but nothing of a Father's Rights in the Family Court system. Hillary also has some skeletons in her family tree when it comes to late child support payments.

What about Single Fathers who want to raise their child and be a part of their life? There are 2.5 million of us. 740,000 of us go without Child Support. The issue of Father's Rights in a biased court system seems to go undetected.

As a single father, I worry daily that my right as a single father may be taken away from me. That if the ex-wife decides that at some point she wants custody back, she can simply point a finger and make a false allegation, and Ohio's Court system will back her, just because she is "the better parent" according to their archaic views. I honestly think I would be back at square one.

This subject is extremely hard to research. Much like any other topic, it has it's extremists. Exploiting sexism, race and all the other things that really don't matter. I read such wonderful things as Hillary Clinton being in office would abominate any chances of Father's Rights because she is a woman. I also read such wonderful things as Barack Obama being being a black male will affect Father's rights. The subject is extremely heated, and with any heated subject, the morons seem to be the loudest.

I have personally lived this subject, and unfortunately I will tell you that at least in Ohio, a father who is going after full custody of his child is fighting an up hill battle, long before the first court date. It took me almost a month just to find a lawyer that would take the case and fight it rather than just attempt to get my child support payments as low as possible and accept defeat before I started.

I cringe when I hear of another deadbeat parent avoiding responsibility, especially when it's a father. This does absolutely nothing for the cause of father's who actually want to be a part of their child's life. I just wish that mentality that all men are incapable of taking care of children wouldn't carry over into a court system that should be unbiased, that should be concerned about what is in the best interest of the child, not about whether the custodial parent has a penis or not.

Family Courts in every state need an overhaul. The archaic thought process of the court system is outdated. We have a failing child support program on our hands, we have thousands of single parents going without justified child support payments because Family Courts and Child Services can't do their job correctly. I am sure there are many single mothers that can add their own horror story to this topic. Something definitely needs to be done to enhance this process, it's not going to get better on it's own.

DevilsReject has watched Finding Nemo approximately 1,562.75 times with his daughter and is looking forward to the next 1,562.75 times

 

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Oskar

Oskar

United Kingdom
February 2005

MAR 17, 2008 08:22 AM

sitar said:

thefreak said:

ThatTalentedHack said:
to be fair, ever since SG purged itself of writers, this is about as good as can be expected. (apologies to Subrosa, FTR, Erin Broadley, Flux and Posh)

...still I appreciate reading about something that would have never occurred to me, even if not well presented.


I'll say to you what many have repeated ad nauseum to others. If you feel you can do better, or don't like what you're reading, find a story and submit.

-TM



hey cool, homework!



I think a lot more people submitted articles when the SG Army points were still around. Plus the site told you how many news articles you had submitted. Mebe that's the cause for the drop off?

Anyways, sorry for the hijack. I loved the article. I was raised by a single parent, but tahn kfully my Mom was more than generous with letting me spend time with my Dad. I can see now later that if she had wanted to she could have made it very hard on my Dad to see me. I think if it was myself I would try to do the same as you and fight it out for custody. I think a fathers role is very integral to the development of a young boys personal self... possibly even more so than the Mothers.

Chainlink

Chainlink

Christmas Island
August 2005

MAR 17, 2008 08:23 AM

Cash said:

Seems to me if you actually wanted to help, instead of make yourselves feel superior, you could have taken a much different approach.



No doubt.

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

MAR 17, 2008 08:32 AM

Chainlink said:

Cash said:

Seems to me if you actually wanted to help, instead of make yourselves feel superior, you could have taken a much different approach.



No doubt.


I complained about the sources, as people do frequently here (if Fox News is a biased source, then fathersmag and Glenn Sacks are biased--do some research on these groups if you disagree). I didn't insult anyone at all. If you think i did, please show me where.

thefreak

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

MAR 17, 2008 08:34 AM

Subrosa said:
[Oh, for the love of God. For the third time now, I wasn't arguing that the statistic itself was incorrect. I was arguing that the statistic as it was being used by the original writer (in this case, Glenn Sacks) was misleading. And you know what? It is. For all of the reasons I've said above.

If you can't get that, there's nothing more I can do for you.


thefreak said:
Unless I'm reading it wrong, the PDF I linked seems to be for "physical" custody (page 5, I think). If that is, regardless, can you really sit there and say adding "legal" custody to the mix would swing the stats to a more even level in any negligible fashion?


Here's an idea. How about you answer the question that I and others posted to you and elaborate on what difference it makes what kind of composition (legal vs. physical) the statistics of custodial parents entail, and why you think it would make any drastic change from the stats as a whole.

You've refused to do so thus far. We know the difference in custody types, you don't have to go to law school to understand that. I realize your issue is w/the stat being "misleading."

thefreak said:
You're not helping, nor are you addressing my issue with the statistic. Did fathers get "sole physical and legal custody" 10% of the time? If that's the statistic, what is the rate for joint custody? And what's the rate for sole physical and legal custody for women? Are they broken out by jurisdiction? Most relevantly, what's the current rate of success for male parents who press for sole physical and legal custody vs. the rate for female parents who press for the same?


The data I posted answered several of those questions. Instead of repeating the same opinion over and over, you can sit and and tell us what difference it makes in the end.

-TM

thefreak

thefreak

NEWSWIRE

Gardner, MA

MAR 17, 2008 08:38 AM

Cash said:
Maybe he didn't handle it with as much style & grace as he could have...but you guys responded in a fairly condescending & argumentative manner. Did you really expect him to embrace the criticisms you offered...given the nature in which they were presented?

Seems to me if you actually wanted to help, instead of make yourselves feel superior, you could have taken a much different approach.


Bravo and +1.

-TM

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

MAR 17, 2008 08:43 AM

thefreak said:

Cash said:
Maybe he didn't handle it with as much style & grace as he could have...but you guys responded in a fairly condescending & argumentative manner. Did you really expect him to embrace the criticisms you offered...given the nature in which they were presented?

Seems to me if you actually wanted to help, instead of make yourselves feel superior, you could have taken a much different approach.


Bravo and +1.

-TM

Again, show me where I was insulting. Please.

Are people really being condescending when they call a biased link biased? Fathersmag and Glenn Sacks are (in the author's own word) "extremists." And they shouldn't be used as a source in an article. You might disagree, but pointing that out isn't being "Condescending" or insulting at all.

Cash

Cash

I'm lost
OLD SKOOL

MAR 17, 2008 09:05 AM

PointBlank said:
Again, show me where I was insulting. Please.

Are people really being condescending when they call a biased link biased? Fathersmag and Glenn Sacks are (in the author's own word) "extremists." And they shouldn't be used as a source in an article. You might disagree, but pointing that out isn't being "Condescending" or insulting at all.



I didn't say you were being insulting. I said I thought you were being condescending.

Merely stating opinions...in a constructive manner...is not condescending. Something along the lines of:


Dear original Poster,

I looked over the links you provided and I don't think those are very good sources. They are heavily biased and have extremist points of view.



That's not what you did, though. I thought you were being condescending when you said:

PointBlank said:
You said you appreciated subrosa's point of view. Now you finish your post with an insult because he didn't like it? Part of writing for public consumption is dealing with criticism. Learn to handle it without the "go whack off, jerk" or stop writing.

Maybe you should go back to writing about Tech shit, because you are obviously way too close to this issue.





Sivart

Sivart

Saskatoon, SK
June 2004

MAR 17, 2008 09:07 AM

DevilsReject said:
I have seriously considered starting a "sane" father's rights organization that doesn't hate women, willing to take on legitimate cases, not ones in which people are just complaining about paying child support.



Sign me up.

I've got to say the Canadian Family court system isn't much better. Well, at least where I'm at.

To make a long story short, we went to court, my lawyer completely destroyed her case against me (since most of it was hearsay and libel), and her lawyer barely even addressed my case against her, but she still won because she was the mother.

She eventually signed custody over to me so everything worked out in the end, but no thanks to the legal system.

a longer version of the story if you're interested.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

You said you were accused of being 'just short of a rapist/serial killer/child molesting/psycho'. My son's mom accused me or raping her, of beating her (I found out a few years later she even claimed I stabbed her), and that much of that abuse came from 'deflecting my angre away from my child' so that I would beat her instead of the baby. None of that was true, but it was up to me to prove it wasn't true with no onus on her to prove it was. It was just accepted at face value.

Not just that, but everything said on her behalf was accepted at face value. She went with my son for, I think, 2 one hour sessions to see the city's leading child psychologist who wrote the court a nice letter explaining why my son's mother was the ideal choice for a parent and that I was unfit to parent a child. This woman who had never once met me was giving her professional opinion to the court that I was not fit to parent a child. And that was acceptable.

In fact the only piece of 'evidence' my son's mother had is that I has some kind of disease that would make me incapable of taking care of a child. Fact of the matter was I'd recently been sick, but I'd been to a doctor and cleared myself of whatever disease she'd accused me of having. I was perfectly healthy with no medical reason I couldn't raise a child.

In the end, in court, she had no case against me. My lawyer ripped appart all her 'evidence' against me, and I had pages of reasons she shouldn't have custody that her lawyer never even bothered addressing. She won. Why? Because 'the best place for a child is with their mother'.

The arrangement was that we had joint custody, our son lived with her, and she was to give me 'reasonable and generous access'. What that ammounted to was that I got to see my son whenever she needed a babysitter. And if I couldn't be there within 5 minutes of her calling, I was accused of not really caring about my son after all.

One month later I get a call from the police asking if I know where my son's mother was. Apparently she'd left my son with her parents and just took off. I went and got my son despite protest from her family. But even abandonment wasn't enough to make me the custodial parent. She got picked up a few days later, and all she would have had to do was call the police and they would have come and taken my son away from me again and the court system would have backed her. To become the custodial parent, we had to go back to court and she had to conceed those rights to me.



My problem with all this is that I didn't WIN custody (ie: earn it), I had it given to me. The only reason I got it is because she gave it up. It didn't matter what I told the court, I lost before I even showed up.

Also, my experience dealing with a mother-centric system afterwards was trying to get my son's address changed in his health records. Whenever I took him to see a doctor, his address was always the house the three of us lived in together. None of us lived there anymore, but I figured it was just some problem updating the computer records and would sort itself out eventually. Then one day his address did change. To where his mother was living at the time. She'd been in to see a doctor and had finally updated her address. She hadn't seen my son since the last time I'd taken him to see a doctor, and I had no idea why his address would have changed. So I went down to the health division office to get an explaination and they told me quite bluntly that "the child's address is always the same as the mother's". There was no consideration that wait, the kid might be living with his dad. They would not accept me at my word that he lived with me, so I had to go make a bunch of photocopies of things like my court order, go back, sign a bunch of papers, just to change my son's address.

Is this anywhere nearly as critical as what DevilsReject went through with child support (which I've never gotten either BTW), no, but it just further shows how actively one sided the system is and what kind of hoops single fathers have to go through just to get on equal footing with their female counterparts.

edith

edith

France
April 2006

MAR 17, 2008 09:22 AM

devil's reject is a fucking awesome father. until you are all fathers i would rather read ANYTHING he writes on the subject.

PointBlank

PointBlank

New York, NY
November 2004

MAR 17, 2008 09:28 AM

edith said:
devil's reject is a fucking awesome father.


I'm sure he is, but thats not the point.

until you are all fathers i would rather read ANYTHING he writes on the subject.


I'd be fine with reading what he as to say about fatherhood. That's not what this article is about.

mydogfarted

mydogfarted

Waldwick, NJ
June 2003

MAR 17, 2008 10:00 AM

While DR's post is a bit of a frustrated rant, which I can't blame him for, I've really lost a lot of respect for Subrosa here. As a lawyer, he should have access to the information to not only backup his points, but also do the right thing and back up DR's points as well.

edith

edith

France
April 2006

MAR 17, 2008 10:08 AM

i'm one of those people who would much rather read an article about one person's experience raising a child rather than a bunch of cold hard statistics.

seriously, thanks for writing the article. amazing people have so much time to pick it apart.

KikiBH

KikiBH

Washington, DC
December 2004

MAR 17, 2008 10:16 AM

mydogfarted said:
While DR's post is a bit of a frustrated rant, which I can't blame him for, I've really lost a lot of respect for Subrosa here. As a lawyer, he should have access to the information to not only backup his points, but also do the right thing and back up DR's points as well.



I'm sure he'll be devastated.

Necia

Necia

San Francisco, CA
August 2005

MAR 17, 2008 10:42 AM

mydogfarted said:
While DR's post is a bit of a frustrated rant, which I can't blame him for, I've really lost a lot of respect for Subrosa here. As a lawyer, he should have access to the information to not only backup his points, but also do the right thing and back up DR's points as well.



Huh. Really? It's now his job to do research for other people's points (particularly since he apparently has access to a secret, magical stockpile of non-publicly-available lawyer info that he's spitefully withholding from the rest of us, even though things like court cases are generally part of the public record and able to be researched by non-lawyers just as easily)?

Well, that makes little-to-no sense--but I'm sure as a lawyer, Subrosa will have access to the information to not only state that himself, but also do the right thing and demonstrate to you why that makes little-to-no sense.

Necia

Necia

San Francisco, CA
August 2005

MAR 17, 2008 10:43 AM

Unrelatedly, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article, DevilsReject. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

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