Congrats on surviving through another week. Your sweet, sweet reward is another Asshole Fuckface Roundup. My weekly misfortune is the multitude of idiots asking me who the first Asshole Fuckface was. I can no longer hold out against your incessant questions and at long last will provide an answer: Francisco Franco.

In 1907, Franco joined the military at the age of 14. He eventually rose up through the ranks and became a general in 1934. Then, he signed on with other factions to overthrow the democratically elected government and in 1936 a three-year civil war began. Franco was one ruthless Asshole Fuckface. At one point he claimed he was prepared…

Ok, shirts and skins!

In one attack, Franco destroyed an entire town in three hours. Using German bombers, 1,654 people in the town of Guernica are killed and 889 wounded. It was so horrible that Picasso made painting about it.


Uh...okay.

During the civil war, up to two-million Spaniards were killed. In 1939, Franco won and took over as commander-in-chief of the armed forces, head of state, and leader of the government.

But Franco was not done.

Between 1939 and 1943 nearly 200,000 more are executed or killed. Spain lived under Fascism until Franco died in 1975. Oh, and Franco was an ally of the United States. And he was also a huge Real Madrid fan. So, fuck that club.

What’s an Asshole Fuckface Roundup without a sexual assault by a cop?

Albany’s got a bit of a drug problem, so the cops created a Street Drug Unit to deal with the situation. Recently, a member of the unit pulled over Lisa Shutter, a 28-year-old single mother. She was officially stopped for a “failure to signal,” but they were after drugs. Holy shit, were they after drugs.

Wow. I think a certain cop needs to go to training. No, wait, I think a certain cop needs to be raped in prison. Or, at least fingered. Do dudes finger other dudes in prison? They should; relentlessly.

Well, you had been -- by an Asshole Fuckface cop. And it wasn’t over. A commander from the Albany Police Department internal affairs unit attempted to talk Shutter out of filing a claim.

And some people like to go to the press, so suck it, internal affairs cop. He has now been declared an Asshole Fuckface. That’s how we handle things.

Next up, an unsurprising Asshole Fuckface showing from North Korea.

Last week, two North Korean fishing boats accidentally drifted into South Korean waters and they were detained. The South Koreans questioned the 22 fishermen, a group made up of 14 women and eight men -- three of whom were teenagers. There were many women on the boat because they were needed to clean oysters and clams. (Only reason to have ladies on a boat, I'm sad to report.)

Unlike some who have drifted into South Korean waters in the past, the fisherman had no intention of defecting. They wanted to go home. South Korea confiscated their boats and sent them back to North Korea by land.

Apparently North Korea has a “zero tolerance” policy for anyone attempting to defect. It also seems to have a “zero tolerance” policy for mistakes in a boat, while floating on a body of water where you can’t see the borderline. You know, because it's water.

Oh, that’s better. They died because they weren’t supposed to fish. North Korea – the biggest Asshole Fuckface cult in the world.

There’s always a surprise in the Asshole Fuckface Roundup and this week we have a doozey from Ukraine.

Alexander Stepaniuk invited four friends over for dinner and it didn’t go so well. Please do not ever invite Alexander Woytseshko, 34, Dmitri Chuba, 45, Lilia Kisilitsa, 23, or Svetlana Lupan, 26, to your home for a meal.

First they started with a little vodka, to loosen things up. Then they beat Alex to death with a hammer. Then they ate him.

Well, fuck, who doesn’t? Now I feel like a dick for thinking you were an Asshole Fuckface.

And in case you were wondering….they barbequed him.

This week they were sentenced to three years and life in prison, which is one of the most fucked up sentences ever.

And finally, we travel to a little island kingdom, where the government is a giant Asshole Fuckface.

Meet Pegah Emambakhsh and Mehdi Kazemi. The latter is a 19-year-old gay teen from Iran and the former is a 40-year-old lesbian from Iran. They would both like to live in England because in Iran they would probably be executed. However, last year Kazemi had to flee to the Netherlands when Britain refused to grant him asylum. Currently, Dutch judges are deciding whether or not to return Kazemi to Britain, where he will be deported. This week, Pegah, was also denied asylum.

And they both have something else in common! Her girlfriend in Iran was arrested and sentenced to death, while his boyfriend has already been executed for being gay.

But don’t worry, because the British Home Office/Asshole Fuckface Office has a great reason to deny them asylum.

Keep it on the DL, bitch! Please come to America, Iranian gay people. You can fuck each other silly here – as long as you live on the west coast or in the northeast. There are quite a few Asshole Fuckfaces in the middle.

Although, Iran beats everyone in this story.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will all receive a pair of FearTheReaper knitting needles.