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Happy Asshole Fuckface day. As I tour the country, speaking of Asshole Fuckfacery of yesteryear, I am often asked, “Who was the first?” After 84 hours of meditation, I am ready to reveal his name: Ethelred Unraed, King of the English (978–1016). In the year 1002, Ethey was experiencing an uneasy truce with the Vikings. Like most Asshole Fuckfaces during a truce, he thirsted for blood.

On November 13th, 1002, he ordered "to be slain all the Danish people who were in England...” The English went nuts. On St. Brice’s day, women were buried up to their waists and dogs chewed off their nipples, children were crushed against doorposts or under rocks and men were cut down with swords. In Oxford, some Danes sought refuge in St Frideswide's Church. They burned that fucker down, along with every Dane inside. The number of dead is unknown, because in the year 1002 not many people were packing calculators. Ethelred was immediately declared the first Asshole Fuckface and a year later the Vikings invaded and Ethey scurried off to Normandy.

Ever since that day, my people have located the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world and forced them into the light. They are nasty creatures. So, put on your rubber apron, this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asian Asshole Fuckface activity.

Ah, China. If it were possible to make a profit, China would convince people to eat Drano. They could give a shit about humanity or the environment. The country is an environmental disaster and they only respond when excessive pollution results in a loss of business.

Take Lake Chao. Chao is one of China’s five largest fresh water lakes. As the Chinese economy explodes, so does industry. Around Chao, that means toxins and untreated sewage released into the lake from hundreds of factories. Lake Chao is now one of China’s biggest environmental disasters and fisheries on the lake have been destroyed.

Thankfully, the Chinese government has a plan. China will release 1.5 million silver carp into the lake. The carp do well in low-oxygen water and eat the algae that grows in toxic, high-nitrogen, polluted bodies of water. It’s a win-win! The algae soaks up the pollution, then the fish eat the algae! Yay!


Each carp is expected to have gobbled between 88 to 100 pounds of blue algae when it reaches its adult weight, with each chomp of the sludge helping to clean up the toxic lake.

Once the carp have matured, fishermen will be able to catch them and sell them in markets, at a price 15 times their original cost, giving a boost to the local fishing industry, according to Xinhua.


Wow, that’s awesome. But, why not just have people eat the toxins directly? What's wrong with serving up a blue algae cancer pie? Maybe turn the lake into a big Asshole Fuckface soup and let the country come down and slurp away?

Anyway, don’t buy fish from China. Actually, don’t buy anything from China.

What’s an Asshole Fuckface who works at Fox News to do when confronted with a story about a child molester? Obviously, grab some tape that has something, anything to do with Barack Obama.



Nice work. Expect a lot more pathetic subliminal Asshole Fuckfacery this year.

Sometimes Asshole Fuckfaces kill themselves and for that we should all be thankful.

Meet Ronald Barbour. Actually, you can’t, because he jumped off a building. But you can read his goodbye manifesto, because he wrote it up on his blog.


I understand the ______ building is more than 150 feet tall. At the time of my last recon I noticed easy access to the roof that would allow someone to leap to their death to the parking lot below…I understand that over the years since the construction of this building several persons have died by jumping from this structure.

I plan to make such a leap.


Oh, dear. Things must not have been going well for Ronald. Some people don’t see anyway out of the hell they are in and are take their own lives. Often, their depression clouds their mind and unable to see that life can get better, they end it.


I have no doubt the Leftist Media will spin my death as that of an insane man with few options left in life who killed himself in desperation. In fact, the objective investigator will notice no signs of depression on my part the last months of my life. I would describe myself as an idealist.


Oh. Fair enough. He killed himself for other reasons. I’m sure they are good reasons, because he was a right-wing blogger.


I do this in memory of the several hundred victims on 9/11 who jumped off the World Trade Center as a means of avoiding burning to death, and the over 3,000 American soldiers killed fighting Islamofascism in Iraq and Afghanistan. A parallel reason is a protest against the American Left and the Democrat Party who have stabbed the Armed Forces in the back in the early stages of what is shaping up to be The Third World War.


I don't know how to say this, so I'm going to use a picture.



The monks who set themselves on fire during the Vietnam War died to protest killing. This Asshole Fuckface killed himself because we aren’t killing enough people. Bye.

Those interested can read Asshole Fuckface's manifesto here:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE
Sunday, February 17, 2008

This is an excellent time to make a final statement--a dying declaration--about an event that resulted in my life being ruined. This is my imprisonment for an attempt on the life of President Clinton in 1994. In truth I made no such attempt and I was convicted on the basis of lies told to the court by the U.S. Secret Service and an edited audiotape. I have no way of knowing the dynamics behind my conviction, but I suspect that it was done on the basis of personal advancement and political reasons on the part of certain individuals in the District Federal Court and Secret Service. In addition I would not rule out Bill or Hillary Clinton being personally involved in my case based on their well known records of revenge against their opponents.

I know this is a personality strange to many people who would say such a person is "unusual" or "crazy" or "a bit off." The fact of the matter is that the actions of many people that were described as heroic happened because they were idealists who chose death rather than selling out what they hold to be sacred. In my case I cannot allow myself to continue to live in a world that is largely indifferent to a neo-pagan religion called Islam that in league with Leftist appeasement and multiculturalism, and seems on the fast track to destroy the United States and Western Civilization. [Emphasis added.]

What I did is not suicide. It is the action of a patriot and idealist who loves God and Country, and who makes a very public statement as a warning of a New Dark Age that looks America straight in the face armed with a hideous ideology that makes the German Nazis or Russian Communists look like bleeding heart liberals. I hope my fellow Countrymen will rally once gain in the defense of liberty no matter how long and hard the struggle.

In this life or death struggle between civilizations it would be a critical mistake to limit our attention to the plight of isolated individuals whom Islamic militants have threatened with death: the sort of mistake that leads to a "law-enforcement" attitude toward Islam-powered violence. The Qur'an commands Muslims to impose themselves on the whole world, by any means expedient. Muhammad's recorded history and sayings reinforce that command. Islamic militants believe that God and His Prophet have commanded them to erect a totalitarian, world-girdling Islamic state. If the last few years have taught us anything, it's that there are enough adequately motivated Muslims in any of the countries of Europe to reduce those countries to chaos or shari'a, as long as Islamic militancy is regarded as a law-enforcement issue...which means, as long as Islam is welcomed in the nations of the West.

This cannot be a law-enforcement issue. It must become a war issue.

Muslims as individuals might well be overwhelmingly inclined toward peace and amicable relations with non-Muslims, though, given the sanctification by Islam of taqiyya and kitman, one can never be perfectly sure. But Islam the ideology is inherently and openly at war with any nation that refuses it. Barring extraordinary good fortune such as America had with the Fort Dix Six, militant Islam's "active agents" cannot reliably be seined from their concealment until they've struck. To allow them to roam among us yet safeguard ourselves from them proactively, we would have to erect a totalitarianism that would make Oceania in 1984 look like a kindergarten class picnic.

We must accept that we're on a war footing, and do what a people at war must do to survive: expel our putative enemies from among us and confine them where they can do us no further harm. Europe's policy has been the reverse. India's policy has been inanition. America's policy defies elucidation. This cannot continue if we wish to survive as free men.

Quarantine or genocide. There are no other options.

A Declaration Of War On Islamic Tyranny
Posted January 17, 2007

After listening mostly in vain to the President tonight and his new approach to Iraq, we thought it time to come out with a clear statement on the War Against Islam. Here it is: We are at war whether we like it or not. There is no hiding from this enemy. Either we lock him out and go after his strongholds or we cower as he picks us apart piece by piece.

We listened to the President this evening. Nothing he said was convincing nor did it address in any serious or detailed way what he is going to do about the most immediate problem in Iraq and further out in what should be, but is not, the War Against Islam. Let's first focus on the Global problem and then we'll return to Iraq in a follow-on essay. The following can be considered the SANE War Manifesto.

On the so-called Global War on Terrorism, GWOT, we have been quite clear along with a few other resolute souls. This should be a WAR AGAINST ISLAM and all Muslim faithful. In particular, historical, traditional, and authoritative Shari'a, or the Islamic Way of Life, bound most tightly by Islamic law and jurisprudence, or fiqh, is the focus of the ideology which drives our enemy. People who don't grasp that Islam is first and foremost a religious ideology built on a legal foundation or jurisprudence simply don't understand Islam.

All traditional Islamic legal schools adhere to the notion that the Islamic world must persuade, conquer, or kill all of the non-Islamic world (dar al-kufr) and convert this territory to the Land of Submission to Allah (dar al-Islam). The particular emphasis on the jihadist strategic issues varies--such as aggressive and offensive outright war or a more subtle and deceptive war which capitalizes on the infidel's inclination toward appeasement; suicide-homicide attacks against soldiers and "settlers" or the murder of all infidels whether they be men, women or children; and other such tactical issues. But the Islamic legal dictate to conquer the world for Mohammad's rightful successor to establish the World State Caliphate occupied by the One People (Ummah) in submission to Allah is the common denominator.

Ignoring the enemy and fighting a tactic such as terrorism or worse, reducing the enemy to just those men and women dressed up in their suicide bombs on the way to attack civilians is to open the US and the West to death and destruction by the parts. Bit by bit we will be dismantled as a society and as a nation. This is unfolding before our eyes in Israel. The Jewish State is hemorrhaging land, people and resources and morphing into a "post-Zionist" or "post-Jewish Nation" status as the "State of its Citizens". It has institutionalized since the beginning of the "Peace Process" the murderous notion of "Sacrifices for Peace" as the Hebrew word for "victim" is also "sacrifice". This is the line made famous by Prime Minister Rabin and repeated in speech or in deed by subsequent Prime Ministers Peres, Barak, Netanyahu, and Olmert.

The actual or physical enemy is any Muslim who adopts or accepts historical and traditional Shari'a as authoritative. This includes individuals, terrorist networks, clans, tribes, regimes, or states. One law and one Rule of Engagement: If you adopt Shari'a as your ideology, you constitute our enemy and you are in our cross-hairs. We of course will pick the most opportune time and place but you will be targeted.

At a practical level, this means that Shari'a and Islamic law are immediately outlawed. Any Moslem in America who adopts historical and traditional Shari'a will be subject to deportation. Mosques which adhere to Islamic law will be shut down permanently. No self-described or practicing Muslim, irrespective of his or her declarations to the contrary, will be allowed to immigrate to this country.

The US will cease trade and all economic ties with countries which embrace Shari'a and with countries which befriend the Shari'a-based regimes. This includes the duplicitous oil-rich Gulf states.

The US will take emergency measures to open up new oil extraction facilities in US territories and will immediately make available land and reasonable regulatory structures for new refineries. Massive free market incentives such as marketable and securitized coupons and vouchers will be used to promote alternative fuels.

America and its Western allies will quarantine every enemy regime and will search out and destroy the leadership and the physical infrastructure of these regimes with air bombardment, drones, airborne gunships, sea-based missiles, special ops, and covert activities. We will not occupy these territories to "build democracies" or even to replace regimes directly. We will simply quarantine and police these regimes with a hair-trigger response to hostile behavior. We repeat: adoption of Shari'a is by definition hostile behavior.

This plan, as many of you will notice, is quite similar to a growing list of respectable thinkers who have addressed the problem of Islam in a serious way. The following list has been proposed by Lawrence Auster, himself one of the more vocal of the advocates of what has been dubbed Separationism: Serge Trifkovic, Diana West, Randall Parker, the Norwegian blogger Fjordman, and Hugh Fitzgerald. There are others and you could probably include Mark Helprin and Angelo Codevilla who have written in the Claremont Review.

For our part, we prefer a different nomenclature than Separationism because that smacks of a kind of Buchanan-like isolationism and appeasement of the Muslim regimes. Buchananism will not work because science and technology will allow our enemies to plot, conspire and strategize until they have perfected a delivery system for WMD. By then, it will be too late. We need to implement the Separation platform with a Search and Destroy mission wherever Islam raises its ugly head.

There are two critiques of this Manifesto. One, it reduces America to a state of perpetual war and turns us into a war-like society falling short of the ideal of the City on the Hill. Two, given the liberal Open Society Elite's stranglehold on both major political parties, it is not practical.

As to the first critique, what would be the better approach? Wait for the next attack with WMD? Wish for a miraculous theological revolution among a substantial number of the world's 1.3 billion Muslims who consistently express support for Shari'a and Islamic law as a guiding political and social structure? Adopt the democracy-building ideology so tragically failing in Iraq?

With the SANE War Manifesto, we need not target all or even any substantial number of the world's Muslims. Instead, we target their leadership strongholds and their infrastructure. Will many of them be killed in the war? Of course, and it is intended to be so. Otherwise we can never expect to be victorious. Muslims will certainly never abandon historical and traditional Shari'a easily. But given sustained and determined separate-quarantine-search-and-destroy operations, Muslims will have the choice: either reform your own societies or forever be rebuilding them while burying your dead.

The second critique is valid to the extent that either we accept the destruction of our nation and we are merely looking to forestall the inevitable or we agree that we have no alternative but to believe in and rely exclusively upon miracles. We certainly believe in Divine intervention in the affairs of men and nations but it is a fundamental principle of the Judeo-Christian creed that we don't rely exclusively upon them. We fashion our lives and our political affairs on the basis that we must confront the reality of the world in which we live. The second critique is for us not a legitimate one.

We owe it to ourselves, our families, our nation, to act now to put Islam on notice. We are at war.

There is no chance of victory over America.


Next up, you can always count on a gun nut to make it into the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, but this is something entirely new.

Obviously we have been affected by the horrible shootings at Northern Illinois University and Virginia Tech. Schools have altered their security plans and students across the nation are a bit on edge. They were certainly freaked out when an Asshole Fuckface entered a classroom at Elizabeth City State University armed with a gun.


Wang, who teaches history and political science, said Tuesday in a telephone interview he was having a discussion in his foreign policy class when the man came to the door and said he wanted to talk with him.

"Suddenly the man pointed the gun at me," he said.

Wang said he did not know whether the gun was real. "I saw the gun but didn't have too much time to think about that," he said. "The man was serious."

"I was prepared to die at that moment.”


Scary shit. And the dude sounded fucking crazy.


The intruder instructed Wang to close the door and then ordered the seven students to line up along the wall. Wang said the man told them that he had been kicked out of school and that he needed a lung transplant.

At one point, Wang said, the man threatened to kill the student who had the lowest grade point average.


First off, welcome to the bottom of the lung transplant list. You also could have blown up a tuna boat because it is equally as relevant. And second, way to help out the grading curve.

Some of the students thought the gun was fake, but Wang didn’t because it was pressed against his back. Either way, they couldn’t be sure. After 10 minutes security burst into the room and subdued the man. It couldn’t have been too difficult to subdue him because he was not actually a real gunman. It was a drill. Apparently it went over very well.


During ECSU's drill, some students sent text messages to their parents, Wang said. Another staffer told Wang that students said they were prepared to jump out of a window.


Hi, lawsuit, my name is everybody. Fake gunman is lucky one of those students didn’t bring a gun to school and put a bullet through his skull.

The school apologized, but did explain they had warned students and faculty there would be a drill, via email and text messages. Which is great, because nobody changes their email or phone number.


University Chancellor Willie J. Gilchrist said in a prepared statement that the drill was a learning experience.


Yeah. We all learned that you are an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, dude goes TJ Hooker Asshole Fuckface on his lady.

What do you do if you are an Asshole Fuckface fighting with your girlfriend and she jumps into her car and tries to take off? Apparently, if you’re William Kremer, you don’t let it stop your sweet, sweet fighting.


A man fighting with his girlfriend clung to a car roof and punched her through the window as she drove more than a mile on a busy road, hitting several other cars, police said. Both were hurt in the brawl Saturday and were arrested, police Sgt. Manfredo Figueroa said.


It’s like good TJ Hooker went though the transporter and was sent to a parallel universe, while evil TJ Hooker was sent to Haverstraw, New York. 98% chance he has a goatee.

William’s lady, Stacey Sperrazza, drove with the air bag inflated for as long as possible. Finally she was forced to stop and William jumped off the car. Then she hit him with the car.


Sperrazza, 37, of Stony Point, was arrested on a felony charge of reckless endangerment. Kremer, 42, of Haverstraw, was arrested on a misdemeanor assault charge.

He was treated for a foot injury, she for eye and head wounds.


No way either of these two ever do meth.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each get a FearTheReaper tongue scraper.

 

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Coyotemike

Coyotemike

Kearney, NE
May 2006

MAR 01, 2008 06:42 AM

Meth is the great equalizer.

As for that school drill, in all schools that would be a bad idea, but in others it would be worse. One of the other instructors where I work is something like a 9th level blackbelt in some obscure form of Karate (the details escape me for a moment), teaches classes in it, and is an all-around bad-ass Mutha-Buddist. (hip replacement surgery with a local anesthetic and meditative breathing) I can just imagine if someone trying to pull even a fake gun on him in a class-room setting. They would be dead before the door even finished closing.

Now . . . if we could just get the rest of the right-wing nut jobs to follow the jumper's lead. C'mon guys, get your flying protest on!

Nessuno

Nessuno

Washington, DC
May 2006

MAR 01, 2008 07:06 AM


Quarantine or genocide. There are no other options.



Wow... Just.... Really? Wow.

Salieri

Salieri

Montreal, QC
July 2004

MAR 01, 2008 07:18 AM


First off, welcome to the bottom of the lung transplant list. You also could have blown up a tuna boat because it is equally as relevant. And second, way to help out the grading curve.



I just choked on my cereal.

SnowgodCCR

SnowgodCCR

Derry, NH
November 2006

MAR 01, 2008 07:25 AM

It's seriously such a bad idea to have a "gunman drill" at a school...or anywhere for that matter.

Crazy guy jumping from a building, saying that Islam is to blame for the world's woes? Ehh...Whatever.

_kungfoo_

_kungfoo_

Los Angeles, CA
April 2005

MAR 01, 2008 07:49 AM

People who think that security drills in schools are necessary are almost as diluted as people who think concealed carry laws will prevent these (rare) tragedies.

Go masturbate to a western.

Volkov

Volkov

Austin, TX
OLD SKOOL

MAR 01, 2008 08:02 AM

FearTheReaper said:

On November 13th, 2002, he ordered "to be slain all the Danish people who were in England..." The English went nuts. On St. Brice's day, women were buried up to their waists and dogs chewed off their nipples, children were crushed against doorposts or under rocks and men were cut down with swords. In Oxford, some Danes sought refuge in St Frideswide's Church. They burned that fucker down, along with every Dane inside.



oh yeah! I remember reading about that in the Times. tongue
come on, FTR...give the self edit a few more run throughs. otherwise, good stuff.

what idiot at that university came up with that idea. someone should walk up and punch them in the face, throw them down, grab their cash...and then hand it back to them and say "this has been a mugging drill." (sarcasm)

besides...isn't the point of a drill to enact some sort of prearranged plan? fire drills you knew where you were supposed to go etc. they didn't consist of some person bursting into a room of first graders and yelling "the building is on fire!" just to see what all the kids would do.

Coyotemike

Coyotemike

Kearney, NE
May 2006

MAR 01, 2008 08:06 AM

KUNGFOO said:
People who think that security drills in schools are necessary are almost as diluted as people who think concealed carry laws will prevent these (rare) tragedies.

Go masturbate to a western.



The worst are the ones who want college students to be allowed to carry concealed on campus. After the VT shooting, I heard some of those nuts on the local conserva-radio call in show, talking about how they were telling their sons (but never their daughters) to take a pistol back to school with them. Scares the hell out of me.

IDGAS

IDGAS

Jackson Heights, NY
March 2004

MAR 01, 2008 08:15 AM

So what will happen when another AFF runs a "security drill" and an off-duty cop, CCW permit holder, or just a paranoid nut case with an illegal gun shoots the fake gunman?

This is also not the first time some genius decided that a terrorize the students drill was a great idea.

ThatTalentedHack

ThatTalentedHack

San Antonio, TX
July 2007

MAR 01, 2008 10:51 AM

Perhaps we can put together a list of suitable buildings for conservative bloggers to leap from?

ThatTalentedHack

ThatTalentedHack

San Antonio, TX
July 2007

MAR 01, 2008 11:02 AM

KUNGFOO said:
People who think that security drills in schools are necessary are almost as diluted as people who think concealed carry laws will prevent these (rare) tragedies.

Go masturbate to a western.



not to fan the flames, but enacting concealed carry laws generally lowers the violent crime rate in an area. I'm not saying that guns save lives, or any of the other heroic bullshit the right spouts... I am saying that the two are not directly related. Virginia Tech would not have been stopped by more guns, nor would it have been stopped by fewer guns.

IMHO the only reason that concealed carry should be legal is to keep citizens prepared for the coming
Zombie Apocalypse

JekyllAndHyde

JekyllAndHyde

Nottingham, MD
April 2005

MAR 01, 2008 11:13 AM

Can someone do a study to find out just how many "accidents" Fox News has had where they show a clip of Obama or one of his supporters during a segment on terrorists or child molesters or people who talk in movie theaters?

scylis

scylis

Seattle, WA
November 2004

MAR 01, 2008 11:24 AM

ThatTalentedHack said:

KUNGFOO said:
People who think that security drills in schools are necessary are almost as diluted as people who think concealed carry laws will prevent these (rare) tragedies.

Go masturbate to a western.



not to fan the flames, but enacting concealed carry laws generally lowers the violent crime rate in an area. I'm not saying that guns save lives, or any of the other heroic bullshit the right spouts... I am saying that the two are not directly related. Virginia Tech would not have been stopped by more guns, nor would it have been stopped by fewer guns.

IMHO the only reason that concealed carry should be legal is to keep citizens prepared for the coming
Zombie Apocalypse



first off, i should like to point out how nearly everybody carrying a gun has done wonders for reducing the crime rate in Texas. oh, wait, no it hasn't. it's one of the most dangerous states to live in. while i'm not entirely suggesting that everybody packing heat has drastically increased the rate of crime there, as i believe that Texans would still be as gleeful about killing each other with or without such a heavy proliferation of firearms, it sure as fuck hasn't helped.

second, YOU FOOL! handguns are just a hair above useless in the Zombipocalypse! if preparation for that is what you have in mind, everybody needs to get good with shotguns.

Skywisdom

Skywisdom

Portland, OR
December 2005

MAR 01, 2008 11:41 AM

That's bullshit scylis. I'm sorry, but a bunch of people mad with fear using shotguns? You're bound to be as dangerous to your friends as the zombies are. If a zombie grabs a loved one, you can certainly hit it with a rifle, but how will you avoid hitting your loved with with the spread of a shotgun?
Second of all, they are loud. Zombies will come from a mile around; farther if you are in a big open area.
3rd, they're heavy, and take forever to reload, even if you are trained. Shells are a pain to cart around

Anyway, I saw that Fox News clip last year, months ago. Didn't you already write about it?

JekyllAndHyde

JekyllAndHyde

Nottingham, MD
April 2005

MAR 01, 2008 11:53 AM

Skywisdom said:

Anyway, I saw that Fox News clip last year, months ago. Didn't you already write about it?



That's the thing, I think it's a different one (I could be wrong -- wouldn't be the first time -- but I think they've used a clip of his rallies during other "negative" stories as well). This isn't the first time they've done this, hence my earlier comment.

DevilsReject

DevilsReject

Cleveland, OH
February 2007

MAR 01, 2008 11:55 AM

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

coyotemike said:
The worst are the ones who want college students to be allowed to carry concealed on campus. After the VT shooting, I heard some of those nuts on the local conserva-radio call in show, talking about how they were telling their sons (but never their daughters) to take a pistol back to school with them. Scares the hell out of me.



If my daughter wanted to have a handgun, i'd buy her one when she was of legal age. I would not however tell her to break the law by taking one to campus. I have serious issue with that. Those laws were put into place for a reason, and the thought of drunken frat boys and sorority sisters around firearms scares the bajesus out of me.

She's 8, she's already fired my .22 caliber wheel gun under great supervision. I've taught her to respect firearms in order to keep her safe, i haven't dumbed her down and kept them a hidden secret from her.

She knows where i store all my guns, they are all locked, with the exception of one, the one i carry, it's either on me, or very close to me so that i know where it is at all times, she can't get to it without me knowing. If i do leae it home, it goes into a lockable case and into my storage area.

Texas gun laws are just scary insane, Georgia is on the same path



That and everyone knows the very best weapon in a Zombie Apocalypse is quick thinking. You have to know how to use your weapons. Zombies aren't really the fastest things on the planets, and they definitely aren't intelligent, you can kill one with a Louisville Slugger if need be

So what was that Fox News Affiliates excuse for airing that?

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