After so many Asshole Fuckface Roundups, you deserve to know the identity of the very first Asshole Fuckface. It was not one man, but two. The Harpe brothers, Micajah "Big" and Wiley "Little", crossed the border from Tennessee into Kentucky in 1798 and promptly tore the state a new anus. They immediately let the populace know of their intentions by capturing a little girl and smashing her head against the side of a bridge until she died. Over the next couple of years they tied a man to a blindfolded horse and pushed them off a cliff, slit a babies throat for crying, slit the mother’s throat when she found the baby, killed many travelers for their money and Micajah even smashed his own baby's head in for crying.

Wiley was captured and hung on a trail in 1799. Micajah was captured in 1804 and had his head sawed off on the spot. The head was then placed on the branch of a tree at the intersection of three roads as a warning to other outlaws. The Harpes were declared the first Asshole Fuckfaces, and since that day my people have scoured the Earth to bring forth the Asshole Fuckfaces and metaphorically put their head on a stick. Each week, I pour through the news and present them to you, so that you may feel sickened. So, put on your favorite tarp, this is going to be ugly.

It’s difficult for some Asshole Fuckfaces to not confuse plate tectonics with God’s anger at homosexuality.

Meet Israeli MP, Shlomo Benizri. I’d like to pause here to point out that this dudes name is actually Shlomo. Now, I’m going to move on. Shlomo is a member of the very conservative Orthodox Jewish Shas Party and believes the best way to represent his party is by being an Asshole Fuckface.

Israel experienced two rather strong earthquakes last week, and four more in November and December. Turns out they were caused by gays, according to the man named Shlomo.

That is some serious ass fucking. You’ve got some major pelvic abilities if your thrusting hips can cause faults to shift. Seriously, worry more about the dude on the other end of that pounding than the resulting earthquake, because I’m betting he’s got one fucked up anus today.

Oh, and last week Israel's attorney general ruled same-sex couples could adopt. Why not just ask for a Tsunami?

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface connects Obama to communism because his father is black. Seriously.

It’s hard to be a moron and to have to write articles. Sometimes your insane right wing hatred merges with your racist nuttery and the vilest bullshit spills forth from your vacant skull. This week Lisa Schiffren provided us with a beautiful example and she was actually able to link to others who share her delusion.

It seems Barack Obama’s father may have been a communist because he was a black man who married a white woman. Lisa actually made that argument and didn't kill herself afterwards.

As if that’s not bad enough, Lisa actually sifts through the shit she produced and picks out pieces of corn to eat. Deeper and deeper into a pit of Asshole Fuckfacery she goes, spiraling out of control with no understanding of her heinous ignorance.

Her idiotic point is actually so astounding that it is not even necessary to focus on the fact that she doesn’t know how to spell “Pursuing.” It’s not actually political correctness that prevents one for pursuing the reasons a white woman would marry a black man. It’s having a soul, which Lisa does not. This is all, of course, pure speculation on Lisa’s part because she admits a key piece of no evidence.

Then why the fuck are you writing about it, you Asshole Fuckface? Shut your clown hole, you are embarrassing words.

Next up an Asshole Fuckface who drives drunk, drives drunk.

Meet Daniel Corbett, 56, of Spring Brook, Pennsylvania. Danny likes to fucking party, fucking party. On Wednesday he blew it out, blew it out. At 1:40 am, Danny was pulled over by Spring Brook police under suspicion of driving under the influence.

You better do better than just taking away the keys of Double Danny, if you want to stop the party, stop the party.

Police did not release Double Danny’s blood alcohol levels, but I pray to God he was drunker for the second one. It’ll be a great story to tell at his first AA meeting.

Next up, two Asshole Fuckfaces ruin cake.

I enjoy cake very much. I wish I could fuck it and eat it, but society forbids my sweet desires. Yet, society always treats cake well. Until now. Two English Asshole Fuckfaces, who own the Italiano Pizzeria in Cardiff City, may have committed the worst crime against cake in the history of mankind.

A customer purchased a chocolate cake from the restaurant, but thought it didn’t smell “quite right.” Now, a true cake eater would never let a strange smell stop him from eating cake, so he dove right in. But it also didn’t taste “quite right,” so he turned the cake over to public health scientists.

Death penalty, please, for “crimes against cake.”

Uh, no. Don’t you island people have jails? Or guillotines? Kill the Asshole Fuckfaces for this heinous crime committed against cake.

I’m okay with not knowing that information. The two no longer own the Pizzeria. The new owner does not serve cakes with shit frosting.

Finally, the Asshole Fuckfaces at Fox News get an obligatory nod.

Fox News loves to take polls, using some of the worst questions known to mankind. It is to be expected, as Fox News is not actually a news organization but an Asshole Fuckface distorter of facts. The latest Fox poll examined the presidential candidates.

According the poll, Barack Obama would barely beat John McCain in a general election match up, while Hillary Clinton would lose to McCain. The number of people who claim they would “never” vote for Hillary has risen, while the number of people who say they would “definitely” vote for Obama has increased. And there's more!

Scared? A presidential poll that actually uses the word "scared?" Really? Can they do worse than this? Why, yes they can, because they are the Fox AF Organization. For instance, a question about how Osama bin Laden feels about the election.

Hey, I just barfed in my mouth! I’d like to thank the 38% of Americans who didn’t answer the most Asshole Fuckfacish poll question of all time. The rest of you are morons.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each get a FearTheReaper engraved money belt.