I get thousands of letters each week asking me who was the first Asshole Fuckface. Many people are surprised to learn his name was Richard Malebisse, a villager living in York, England in 1190. Richard took out some loans from a Jewish banker named Aaron of Lincoln. One night a fire broke out in town and Richard used the chaos to insight the crowd to attack the home of one of Aaron’s agents. Only, the agent wasn’t home because he was dead, so the mob killed his wife and kids. And they weren’t done there.

All of the Jews living in York fled to York Castle, where they holed up for days while the mob attacked. Finally a fire was set and the wooden tower caught fire. The Jewish men inside killed their wives and children, before killing themselves. Those who didn’t take their own lives died in the fire. Altogether, 150 people died in the Massacre at York. Malebisse and a couple of his friends then went to “Chapter House” and burnt all evidence of their debts. Richard Malebisse was then declared the very first Asshole Fuckface and was forced to flee to Scotland, where they are apparently totally cool with Asshole Fuckfaces. Ever since that day, my people have been searching the Earth for Asshole Fuckfaces to point at and make fun of. Each week I pour over the news to bring forth the worst of the worst. So, put on your rubber dog mascot outfit, this is going to be nasty.

We start in the beautiful island paradise of Hawaii for some government Asshole Fuckfacery.

Luaipou Futi is an American citizen who lives in American Samoa. She has a passport and is a US citizen, which generally means you can travel to America. Two weeks ago, she had a baby that was born with a hole in his heart. Doctors in Samoa were not equipped to deal with the situation, so the sent the mother, with a nurse, to Kapiolani Medical Center for Women and Children in Hawaii.

They never made it. The three were stopped at the airport due to a “visa problem,” which never should have mattered because she was a US citizen with US passport. They were then locked in a room, a hot room, with a sick baby, who had a hole in his heart.

A few minutes later the baby was dead. An autopsy has yet to be performed. Thank you US Customs and Border Protection for keeping us safe from a sick baby. A sick US citizen baby.

Next up, some Supreme Court Asshole Fuckface activity.

In a pinch, I can always count on Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia to provide me with some Asshole Fuckfacery. This week he made the horrible mistake of opening his fat, horrible mouth. Scalia was interviewed for a BBC show called Law in Action. Naturally, they asked about torture. Turns out one of our Supreme Court Justices is okey-dokey with torture.

"So called." Did you just? Please stop now.

Oh, God, don't.

Four feet? None? Shut up?

But, I’m not retarded, so I actually think it is.

Fingernails? Can’t stick something under? WTF? HOLY SHIT! A Supreme Court Justice, the highest judge in the land, a man who is one of a handful of people who is the final word on law, just said it’s crazy to claim you can’t ram shit under people’s fingernails. I want to peel my skin off, but I can’t because it’s horrible. So, instead, I will just call Scalia one hell of an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, if you’re looking for a little Taliban Asshole Fuckface action, go no further than Kansas, where we have our own, who love their Jesus.

Michelle Campbell is a high school basketball referee for the Kansas State High School Activities Association. On Saturday she was scheduled to call a boys game at St. Mary’s Academy outside of Topeka. Just before the game started, a school official said she could not call the game.

Uh, what? Seriously? I now understand how Huckabee kicked the shit out of McCain in Kansas, because of the many religious lunatics.

The other ref, a fella, also walked off the court because he thought the situation was insane.

So, what to do. You’re a crazy, religious Asshole Fuckface and there are a bunch of kids who just want to play basketball. The official approached a referee who had just finished calling two junior high school games and told him there was an emergency and he was needed.

Yeah, “Lady emergency” doesn’t really count in the year 2007. And why was that woman allowed to show her hair in public?

The school follows old Roman Catholic laws, under the Society of St. Pius X. Pope John Paul II excommunicated the society’s leader, I can only assume for being an Asshole Fuckface.

The Activities Association may remove St. Mary’s from the approved list of schools, which would prevent them from playing any other schools in the association. I don’t think that is nearly enough. I would recommend before every game, a woman head down to the school, grab the ball and rub it against her moist vagina. And a lady principal wouldn’t be too bad, either.

Finally, I have been waiting for the cops to catch this Asshole Fuckface for months.

Last May, some random Asshole Fuckface started calling 911 as a funny joke. At first the calls were coming in to the California Highway Patrol in Vallejo and they were all coming from a T-Mobile cell phone. For the next 7 months, Asshole Fuckface made 17,000 calls to the CHP. He tied up lines designed to aid people in emergencies for his own retarded amusement.

Who knows the damage he caused? Did anyone die?

And he wasn’t done. The Asshole Fuckface switched targets and began calling the 911 center in Hayward, California. He made 10,000 calls to Hayward and another 4,000 to the Solano County Sheriff’s Department. And dude was hilarious.

Ha ha. Good times! Dude must be a hilarious teenager, right?

Holy shit. Forty-five years old. I’d like to introduce you to the most pathetic Asshole Fuckface alive on the planet Earth. Seriously, this is a new low in pitiful. How about girls? Or television? Or eating? Ever have any time for those activities?

And a $1000 fine or six months in jail? Jack McCoy would figure out a way to get this guy for manslaughter, as least.

When the Hayward Police were finally able to get help from the FCC and triangulate the calls, they located Triplette. He apologized. Sorry, 'bout that. My bad.

So is shoving a bat down your throat.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You each will receive a FearTheReaper stress ball.