There is much confusion about who was the very first Asshole Fuckface. I get many letters and today I will finally reveal the answer: Pope Gregory XIII. On August 24th, 1572, Catholics began massacring Protestants in Paris, with the Queen’s blessing. The St. Bartholomew's Day massacre lasted months, spread across France and resulted in the deaths of thousands of Protestants. No one knows the exact number, but it is somewhere between 10,000 and 100,000.

After the massacre, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a Christian hymn of praise to be sung about the massacre and had a medal created that showed an angel holding a sword next to slaughtered Protestants. He then commissioned an artist to paint three murals of the wounding of Gaspard de Coligny, a Protestant military leader. The Pope then designated September 11th, 1572 as a day commemorating the massacre of the Protestants. The Catholic Church to this day has not apologized, but those who wield the power quickly declared Pope Gregory XIII the first Asshole Fuckface. Ever since that day, my people have scoured the Earth, in search of Asshole Fuckfaces to present to the common people. Today I give you the latest batch of miscreants, known as Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your chain armor, this is going to be nasty.

We start in the delightfully free country of Iraq, where Asshole Fuckfaces are allowed to do whatever they want.

Before the war, the only people who knew religious lunatics would take over if Saddam was toppled were those of us who dared to read books. Now the Asshole Fuckfaces of Basra are letting loose and it’s not pretty.

You’re welcome, ladies. Just be thankful you’re not living under Saddam anymore. Back then you were able to dress how you wanted and actually work. Now you get to die.

Their crimes: Not wearing headscarves or going outside with makeup on.

Oh, nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Nothing says, “God is great,” like the brutal street killing of a pregnant woman. I will pray that when you reach heaven, God presents you with a four-foot wide butt plug in lieu of all those virgins. Then I hope the ladies are there to force it into your dead anus.

Next up, grandpa rape can only = Asshole Fuckfacery.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on in Canada, but it ain’t right. A 62-year-old grandpa, who the Canucks won't name, was convicted of abusing one of his granddaughters. According to court records, he drove her to a dump and forced her to take her pants off. When he was done, he drove her home and told her to bring two of his other granddaughters “next time.” You can imagine how upset the family was.

Well, now I count 13 Asshole Fuckfaces. Gramps was sentenced to 18 months time served and released. It helped that Wasagamack First Nation Chief Ronald Harper and six counselors requested that he be released and sent back to the place where all his granddaughters live.

Oh, and the charges of molesting the other two granddaughters were “stayed.” Did I mention that gramps was already on parole after serving two years for incest? It seems he had already molested another granddaughter when she was 12, and was kind of faced with the overwhelming evidence of fathering his own great-granddaughter.

The Asshole Fuckface, or course, had a fantastic reason why he shouldn’t be in prison.

Well, I actually think they will be okay without you, Captain Example. And in a fine example of justice, the granddaughter has been shunned from the community for letting out the “family’s secrets.”

Next up, we can’t ignore our very own Asshole Fuckfaces, right here in the US of A.

Ever call for help and then find yourself arrested because the responding cop is an amazing Asshole Fuckface? I have, but at least my arrest wasn’t as bad as Hope Steffey's. Ohio seems to be on a bit of an Asshole Fuckface tear and the cops are often the culprits.

Last year Hope was assaulted by one of her cousins. The police were called, and the bloodied victim accidentally showed the cop her dead sister’s driver’s license. She kept it as a memento. The cop didn’t really care for her bullshit and things went horrible wrong.



Enjoy part 2!



You might have to actually stop me from killing those guys if that was my wife.

Okay, then it was a sexual assault. Take your pick. Dudes don’t get to tear clothes off of women, especially cop dudes. The video suddenly appeared last week and there’s a lot of Asshole Fuckface explaining to do.

Finally, one of the worst, most Asshole Fuckfacery stories of all time.

A children’s school in the holy city of Mecca caught on fire this week. Unfortunately, the school was locked at the time, because the Saudis like to keep their boys away from their girls. Lock down is the best way to do so. But even worse yet, some of the girls weren’t wearing their headscarves and black robes. Apparently, the girls didn’t think to put them on when they were running for their lives from the FIRE.

Thankfully, the Saudi religious police, known as the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, were there to prevent the girls from running out with their hair visible and living.

Firemen went mano-a-mano with the religious police, because firemen understand it’s better to be alive than have men see your hair. 15 girls died in the fire and 50 others were injured. Saudi newspapers actually criticized the religious police.

Families of the dead girls are furious, because Asshole Fuckface religious police let their daughters die in a fire, instead of letting men see their hair.

Did I mention that the religious police let 15 girls die in a fire, instead of letting men see their hair?

So, there you go. That’s quite a list of Asshole Fuckfaces. This week, they receive nothing.