In Turkey, Saturday is actually known as Asshole Fuckface day, because Turkey was the home of the Ottoman Empire and home to the very first Asshole Fuckface. It’s true. Sultan Abdul Hamid the second was the first. In the West, he was known as The Red Sultan, or The Great Assassin, because of the thousands of Armenians who died during his rule. He really kicked off the Armenian genocide.

When Hamid came to power in 1894, things were not going to well for the Ottoman Empire. Hamid needed a scapegoat, so he falsely charged the Christian Armenians with rebelling against his authority. He encouraged local Muslims to attack the Armenian people. And when Muslim refuges poured in from Europe, he told them to take Armenian land. Over a two-year period, 200,000 Armenians were massacred or died of starvation. A couple of years after his rule, the actual genocide kicked off. 1.5 million Armenians were killed between 1914-1918. Ever since those days, my people have carried the burden of picking the Asshole Fuckfaces out for the common man to see. Today, I will shine a bright light on the vermin of our world. So, put on a plastic burka, because this is going to be nasty.

Ohio never lets me down when I need a quality Asshole Fuckface.

Judge Mary Wiseman, of Montgomery County, is facing a challenge for her position on the bench from Judge James D. Piergies in the upcoming Democratic primary. The campaign is apparently getting quite heated, and by heated, I actually mean retarded. Turns out Wiseman is gay and Piergies is an Asshole Fuckface.

Piergies has claimed that Wiseman should excuse herself from cases involving the state ban on gay marriage and Dayton’s law banning discrimination against gays. Which makes sense, because her lust for other women’s bodies completely overwhelms her trained and educated mind.

How’s that giant can of asshole you just opened working out? Let’s just make sure we have this right. Black people should not be able to rule on civil rights, that should be up to white people. And gay people should not be able to rule on gay rights, that should be left up to white people. Sorry, straight, white people. Don’t get me started on the Asians!

Later, Piergies tried to back away from his Asshole Fuckface comments.

What if your issue is that you are an Asshole Fuckface? How will you ever be able to honestly oversee cases of other Asshole Fuckfaces?

Next, up, it’s a vehicular Asshole Fuckface bonanza!

My fellow Los Angeleno, Carlos Gutierrez, went out drinking with his uncle and girlfriend, and then decided to take a nice drive home. At some point during the sloshy ride, Carlos became pissed at his lady and his uncle and forced them to get out of the car. Then Carlos threatened to run them over. Then he actually went ahead and ran them over. Then he must have felt bad, because he put them back in the car.

Oops. His lady was dead when police arrived and his uncle had a compound leg fracture. Maybe they should have learned how to party.

Nice going, drunky. But, hey, at least he hasn’t filed a lawsuit against his uncle. That is what our next vehicular Asshole Fuckface did.

I hope he also added in the cost of washing that kid’s blood and hair off his hood, not to mention his teeth in the grill. Unlike America, where we have no sense of community, the Spanish town actually showed concern.

Hey! What a great guy! He had a change of heart and realized he was wrong!

Oh. Hey, Asshole Fuckface, why so Asshole Fuckfacish? Delgado was originally cleared of any criminal wrongdoing, but his actions have caused the local prosecutor to take another look at the case.

Please. Make him suffer.

Next up, is there anything more Asshole Fuckfacish than strapping a bomb to a mentally retarded lady, sending her into a market and blowing her up with a bunch of other people? Turns out there is: Sending two mentally retarded ladies into markets and blowing them up with a bunch of other people.

Ah, Iraq. Some serious Asshole Fuckfacery going on in that nightmare of a country. But we seem to have hit a new low. On Friday 65 people were killed and 250 were wounded when two “suicide bombers” blew themselves up in crowded pet markets.

What a great moment that must have been for these masterminds. Convincing a couple of mentally retarded woman to wear the heavy vest, strapping it on them and sending them into the market. The feeling of righteousness must have been overwhelming for those heroes. They are truly a bright light in this dark mass called humanity. Hopefully in the future, they can strap a bomb to a toddler, or a puppy.

Oh, get with the fucking 21st century, you stupid fucks. Asshole Fuckfaces abound in Iraq. Good luck making your country secure with your archaic, religious rules.

Finally, an Asshole Fuckface cop who doesn’t seem to understand his job.

On January 10th, a 13-year-old girl ran away from her Brooklyn home. Naturally, she met someone who said they could get her a job “dancing at parties.” Typical entry-level job. That person then introduced her to a great lady name Zelike Brown. Zelike told the runaway she had bought her for $500 and she was going to have to work off the debt. Pretty much how we all got started in the workforce.

Then Zelike brought her home to meet her husband, Wayne Taylor, who was a New York cop. Taylor, using his academy training, decided to turn the girl out.

This is why Jesus invented the scrotal punch.

The two Asshole Fuckfaces used a house alarm to keep the girl hostage and told her if she tried to escape they would make her work on the streets. Taylor also made fun of her for not making enough money and once slammed her head into the floor.

Yesterday, the girl escaped and made her way home. Her family took her to the police and Taylor and Brown were arrested for kidnapping, promoting prostitution, assault and endangering the welfare of a child. Way to go, New York's finest! Hopefully, these Asshole Fuckfaces spend a few years in prison.

Congrats to this weeks Asshole Fuckface winners! You each get a FearTheReaper spelunkin' kit!