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Not many know the name of the very first Asshole Fuckface: Fritz Haber. Fritz was an inventor, scientist and actually won a Nobel Prize for his work in chemistry. But most importantly, he is known as the "father of chemical warfare" for his work creating poison gases that killed millions during WWI and WWII. After watching his gases do their work on a WWI battlefield, Haber’s wife blew her brains out with his service revolver on their front lawn. He went right back to the battlefield the next day. And when Hitler took over Germany, Haber did the honorable thing and attempted to renounce Judaism and become a Christian, only to be told he couldn’t because his mommy was a Jew. He fled and died in 1934, too early to witness his gases kill off his Jewish relatives. He was posthumously declared the first Asshole Fuckface. Asshole Fuckfaces are not always easy to find and I have been cursed with the task. Each week I pour over the news to find the worst human beings alive and present them for you to judge and hate. So, put on your plastic moo-moos, this is going to be ugly.

First up, you know what pisses me off about men wrongfully convicted of rape? They are freeloaders.

Meet Warren Blackwell. He spent three years in an English prison after being wrongfully convicted of rape.


Warren Blackwell, 38, spent three years in jail as a convicted sex attacker until his 'victim' was unmasked as a fantasist.


Hey, Britain, easy on the weird words. Unless there is a dragon or a wizard around, let’s not use the word fantasist. Thanks.

Turns out the woman who accused him of the attack had a habit of falsely accusing men, then changing her name and moving on. She took down seven innocent dudes and is clearly a deranged Asshole Fuckface. Warren's crime never actually took place. So, Warren was released from prison after three years in 2005. But the exciting thing about his story is that there are two Asshole Fuckfaces, the second being the government of Britain.

Warren was awarded £252,500 for the wrongful imprisonment. But now the government has slapped him with a bill for £12,500 for his "board and lodging.” You know, the place where he lived while he was wrongfully convicted for a crime he did not commit. And it’s the perfect amount, punitive yet not worth fighting.


I tried to fight against it but my solicitor says the only hope of overturning the decision would be to go all the way to the European Court of Human Rights. I would probably use up all the compensation money on legal fees if I did that.


It seems this is not the first time the English have totally fucked over the wrongfully convicted.


The practice of charging "bed and breakfast" was challenged in 2007 by the Bridgewater Three, the men wrongly convicted of murdering newspaper boy Carl Bridgewater in 1978, but the principle was upheld by the House of Lords.


Keep on Asshole Fuckfacing, England!

Next up, FEAR!, FEAR!, FEAR!

Rudy Giuliani is in the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still call his shit out. Rudy finished 6th in the Iowa caucus, mostly because he is a lying, adulterous, arrogant douchebag. And yet, he is not down. Not Rudy. He’s flying high and did someone mention 9/11?


He flatlined in Iowa and he's struggling in New Hampshire, but Rudy Giuliani shook off the early-state blues Thursday as only he can.

"None of this worries me - Sept. 11, there were times I was worried," Giuliani said.


Thanks, stretch. By the way, on September 11th I was not actually worried as much as completely freaked out and horrified. To describe yourself as simply “worried” is to describe a psychopath. But I was only watching the horrible deaths of thousands of New Yorkers as they died in a building in which I used to work. I guess you had your “guy in control” hat on. Keep doing whatever you can do to remind people that you were around on 9/11, taking control of a situation you made worse with your inept planning.

Oh, and Rudy unveiled a new ad this week. Did someone mention fear?



Holy shit! Somebody kill someone to save us! Now!

Next up: If you let old, conservative, white men talk about black people, you will always end up with an Asshole Fuckface. That is just simple math.

On Thursday, Bill Bennett was asked to come down to CNN and give his expert political commentary during the Iowa Caucus. And, why wouldn’t you want a racist to dispense his thoughts while a black man is one of the main candidates? I mean, what could possibly go wrong?


Barack Hussein Obama, a black man, wins this for the Democrats.

I have been watching him. I watched him on 'Meet the Press,' I've watched him on [Anderson Cooper's] show, watched him on all the CNN shows -- he never brings race into it. He never plays the race card.

Talk about the black community -- he has taught the black community you don't have to act like Jesse Jackson, you don't have to act like Al Sharpton. You can talk about the issues. Great dignity. And this is a breakthrough. And good for the people of Iowa.


Hey, the racist found a palatable Negro! That makes me feel great. And thanks for not using the word “uppity,” Bill.

He knows black people.

And our last Asshole Fuckface is the first official scab of the writer’s strike.

I’d like to introduce you to John Ridley. He’s one of those rare, conservative black men who are fawned over and celebrated by the right wing for their rare brilliance. He’s like an albino penguin. Who wouldn’t take a picture of and gawk at that? Guys like the above-mentioned Bill Bennett love the John Ridley’s of the world because they “Can talk about the issues with great dignity.” Ridley has been making the rounds on radio shows as a conservative pundit and the strike has greatly helped his incredible lack of celebrity.

Ridley has a resume that includes the movies Three Kings and U-Turn. Three Kings is an awesome movie, mostly because Ridley didn’t write it. He wrote the original script and it was re-written by David O'Russell, who is actually a quality writer. I’ve auditioned for a couple of Ridley’s pilots and was amazed at how shitty they were. It wasn’t until later that I learned his entire reputation is built upon the writing of another scribe. Ridley is the epitome of the Hollywood writer: Largely lacking talent but making a fortune due to an undeserved reputation and/or luck.

Since the strike began Ridley has gained a reputation as a dissenter. Dissent is fine, most writers don’t care and many actually encourage it because opposing views can only make our cause stronger in the long run. But this week, John Ridley decided to go fi-core. Fi-core is a legal term for scab.


A union writer who goes "fi-core" loses his ability to vote in WGA board elections or industry-related events (Emmys, etc.). A fi-core member still has health care paid for by the union and the union still protects him from being taken advantage of contractually.


And they can work during a strike. It is another great outcome of Reagan’s union busting policies. So, Asshole Fuckface Ridley has decided to become a scab. With that decision he will be lauded by the right for his courage and invited on more right wing shows. You are watching the emergence of a black Dennis Miller, except Ridley was never a very good stand up comedian or writer. I met him once, a long time ago, and found him to be an angry and bitter individual. Going fi-core is very in character.

Congrats to each of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will receive a leather FearTheReaper bib!

 

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Bilharzia

Bilharzia

I'm lost
April 2004

JAN 06, 2008 02:29 PM

wildswan said:
I think Fritz Haber is a bit too complex for the designation of "Asshole Fuckface."

Sure, he was an ultra-nationalistic, would-have-had-the-Nazis-if-the-Nazis-would-have-had-him, stoney father of chemical warfare. But, his work synthesizing ammonia from it's elements (turning air into nitrogen) - the Haber-Bosch process - is credited with preventing a Malthusian castastrophe: supporting the world's population. But that, paradoxically, may be the foundation of our ultimate undoing.


He's so much more than your average "Asshole Fuckface."



Agreed. Haber deserves more credit.

I think his story is eerily similar to Robert Oppenheimer's, another "Father" of a horrible weapon.

Also, Haber's wife shot herself through the heart, not the head.

buckshot420

buckshot420

I'm lost
April 2006

JAN 06, 2008 08:05 PM

I've just re read what I posted and I'm ashamed.

I was, perhaps, a little hot headed.

I'm sorry REAPER, go on with your bad self, ultimately it's my choice to read your insane diatribe's or not.

I do however want one thing clear. I'm pretty sure that I have a more objective and more clear view of US Political history than the majority of people in the USA.
Canadians are sadly inundated throughout school with American History. My first USA history course was the same year as my first Canadian history course.

You have a field of candidates in this election that make anyone with two brain cells to rub together physically ill.
My opinion is that it would be fantastic for a democrat to be in office, however there is very little significant difference in policy from that of the Republican majority.

Q: WHY HAVEN'T WE HEARD MUCH ABOUT NEW ORLEANS?
Q: WHY HAVEN'T THEY BEEN TALKING ABOUT ELECTORAL REFORM?
Q: WHY (ON THE DEMOCRAT SIDE ANYWAY)ARE THE ONLY DISCERNIBLE, REAL DIFFERENCES, RACE, SEX AND RELIGION?

A:Because they all get their PAYCHECKS from the same place! (unlike Ron Paul)

Don't be afraid of Ron Paul, he is the objective and educated choice.

"It's like they passing around the presidency like a party joint, it goes from the Bush's to the Clintons back to the Bush's and back to the Clintons"- Mos Def

"A wise and frugal government which shall restrain men from injuring one another, which shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government." - Thomas Jefferson

BS420 wink

buckshot420

buckshot420

I'm lost
April 2006

JAN 06, 2008 08:14 PM

Umm and "Gonzo Chota" from the west coast,
If Ron Paul is Horseshit,
Who would you support?

ACTUALLY HOW ABOUT ANY NONBELIEVER TELL ME WHO THEY ARE VOTING FOR.

Fact is there is far more to fear(as a Canadian) from any other candidate.

DABUCK420 tongue

Coyotemike

Coyotemike

Kearney, NE
May 2006

JAN 06, 2008 08:44 PM

buckshot420 said:
A:Because they all get their PAYCHECKS from the same place! (unlike Ron Paul)



Where is Ron Paul getting paid from, then? Or does he get paid in Paulbucks?

Chainlink

Chainlink

Christmas Island
August 2005

JAN 06, 2008 09:10 PM


omg. Precious.

Thanks BS. You are a credit to your name.

_Margot_

_Margot_

Santa Monica, CA
December 2007

JAN 06, 2008 09:33 PM

coyotemike said:

buckshot420 said:
A:Because they all get their PAYCHECKS from the same place! (unlike Ron Paul)



Where is Ron Paul getting paid from, then? Or does he get paid in Paulbucks?



Liberty dollars, dropped from the Blimp, duh.

malkav11

malkav11

Saint Paul, MN
July 2003

JAN 06, 2008 09:34 PM

No, Ron Paul is not the objective and educated choice. He is the "easily blinded by novelty" choice. Or the "racist fuckhead" choice. Or the "single issue voter" choice.

Volpone

Volpone

Greensboro, NC
September 2007

JAN 06, 2008 09:45 PM

Man, BS, you really have made a name for yourself here. Congrats.

I think the thing I don't understand is why conservatives have to jump on here and complain about the editorials. I mean, if you don't like the editorials, then go the fuck away. They can't claim to be unbiased because they are, you know, editorials.

If you'd really like to get offended, I'm sure there are some other people you can hassle who have much broader and far-reaching journalistic claims to defend. Or, at the very least, you could just go find a way to fuck over somebody else's constitutional rights. That seems like a popular option for conservatives these days.

Bastardo

Bastardo

Boston, MA
January 2005

JAN 06, 2008 10:02 PM

goatinamoat said:

Zarth said:
[Hey, you mess with the bull, you get the horns.
.


Meanwhile, the comments on Kenya go unanswered. Bad writers are news. Genocide? Not so much. No, this column isn't a one-man tirade for his own industry, is it?



YEAH FTR and what about CHAD, huh?!?! Or Tanzania?!? What's up with Zimbabwe? Obviously your reluctance to answer these vague assertions must mean you support whatever horrible thing is going on in these various countries! For shame!

Here's an idea sparky, since whatever the hell is going on inside Kenya bothers YOU so much (lion-beatings, am I right?) why don't you get off your fat ass and write a story about it, instead of whining about other people not doing it for you.

Jesus, kids today.

scylis

scylis

Seattle, WA
November 2004

JAN 06, 2008 10:10 PM

i know what's going on in Kenya.

RanusStudios

RanusStudios

Boston, MA
July 2007

JAN 06, 2008 10:38 PM

I like the stock explosion sound effect in the Rudy commercial.

Uncognitive

Uncognitive

Brooklyn, NY
May 2003

JAN 07, 2008 06:42 AM

buckshot420 said:
Q: WHY (ON THE DEMOCRAT SIDE ANYWAY)ARE THE ONLY DISCERNIBLE, REAL DIFFERENCES, RACE, SEX AND RELIGION?



You do know that all four of the leading Democratic Presidential candidates are Christians, right?

buckshot420 said:
Don't be afraid of Ron Paul, he is the objective and educated choice.



No he's not, and no he's not.

Although I love how Ron Paul supporters have adopted the delusions of die-hard Libertarians.

First, that there's some objective scientific standard by which all political decisions can be measured, and that they alone have discovered it, and thus all other political beliefs are "illogical". It's not surprising that libertarianism, and the cult of Ron Paul, has caught on so well in the tech sector for that very reason.

Second, that people who disagree with Ron Paul are somehow uninformed about his positions, because if they were really "educated" about what Ron Paul stands for, they would obviously want to support him.

The fact that anyone could research into Ron Paul's foreign and domestic policy stances and find them overall to be regressive, simplistic boilerplate based on a reading of the Constitution so lacking in nuance as to make Antonin Scalia blush, and that if those policies were implemented they would wind up causing massive harm to the U.S. economy while allowing state governments to restrict the human rights of American citizens apparently just does not compute.

wereduck

wereduck

I'm lost
July 2007

JAN 07, 2008 06:56 AM

buckshot420 said:
I've just re read what I posted and I'm ashamed.

I was, perhaps, a little hot headed.

I'm sorry REAPER, go on with your bad self, ultimately it's my choice to read your insane diatribe's or not.

I do however want one thing clear. I'm pretty sure that I have a more objective and more clear view of US Political history than the majority of people in the USA.
Canadians are sadly inundated throughout school with American History. My first USA history course was the same year as my first Canadian history course.

You have a field of candidates in this election that make anyone with two brain cells to rub together physically ill.
My opinion is that it would be fantastic for a democrat to be in office, however there is very little significant difference in policy from that of the Republican majority.

Q: WHY HAVEN'T WE HEARD MUCH ABOUT NEW ORLEANS?
Q: WHY HAVEN'T THEY BEEN TALKING ABOUT ELECTORAL REFORM?
Q: WHY (ON THE DEMOCRAT SIDE ANYWAY)ARE THE ONLY DISCERNIBLE, REAL DIFFERENCES, RACE, SEX AND RELIGION?

A:Because they all get their PAYCHECKS from the same place! (unlike Ron Paul)

Don't be afraid of Ron Paul, he is the objective and educated choice.

"It's like they passing around the presidency like a party joint, it goes from the Bush's to the Clintons back to the Bush's and back to the Clintons"- Mos Def

"A wise and frugal government which shall restrain men from injuring one another, which shall leave them otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it has earned. This is the sum of good government." - Thomas Jefferson

BS420 wink



This is comedic gold of the Uwe Boll order.

buckshot420

buckshot420

I'm lost
April 2006

JAN 07, 2008 10:09 AM

"You do know that all four of the leading Democratic Presidential candidates are Christians, right?"

Now who's guilty of simplification? Not Ron Paul supporters. My point was that I know they're all christians, and I still see that as one of the biggest differences.

Richards = Catholic
Edwards = Methodist
Obama = United Church of Christ
Clinton = Methodist

you also said:
"Second, that people who disagree with Ron Paul are somehow uninformed about his positions, because if they were really "educated" about what Ron Paul stands for, they would obviously want
to support him."

First.... this is a true statement, although It was meant to be tongue in cheek.

Second...The great thing about Ron Paul is that he doesn't believe the president's job is to govern issues which are meant for congress.

Being educated about Ron Paul means that you understand what his agenda is.

PEACE IS ONE HELLUVA MESSAGE!

AND LASTLY YOU WROTE-
"The fact that anyone could research into Ron Paul's foreign and domestic policy stances and find them overall to be regressive, simplistic boilerplate based on a reading of the Constitution so lacking in nuance as to make Antonin Scalia blush, and that if those policies were implemented they would wind up causing massive harm to the U.S. economy while allowing state governments to restrict the human rights of American citizens apparently just does not compute."

REAL CHANGE IS NEEDED, REAL CHANGE CANNOT BE NUANCED IT REALITY.


THE PEOPLE WHO WILL TELL YOU THIS MAN IS DANGEROUS,
ALSO SAY IF YOU PULL OUT OF IRAQ THERE WILL BE A BLOODBATH,
ALSO SAID SADDAM HUSSEIN HAD WMD'S,
AND THAT THE USA ECONOMY & CURRENCY ARE AS STRONG AS EVER!

ALL NOT TRUE.





_kungfoo_

_kungfoo_

Los Angeles, CA
April 2005

JAN 07, 2008 10:19 AM



"I know what will win Ron Paul more support! Ken-Burns-Effect Google-Image Slideshow with a Pop-country song about Ron Paul! Almost as good an idea as the Ron Paul Blimp and the Ron Paul 'DVD Bomb'"

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