Not many know the name of the very first Asshole Fuckface: Fritz Haber. Fritz was an inventor, scientist and actually won a Nobel Prize for his work in chemistry. But most importantly, he is known as the "father of chemical warfare" for his work creating poison gases that killed millions during WWI and WWII. After watching his gases do their work on a WWI battlefield, Haber’s wife blew her brains out with his service revolver on their front lawn. He went right back to the battlefield the next day. And when Hitler took over Germany, Haber did the honorable thing and attempted to renounce Judaism and become a Christian, only to be told he couldn’t because his mommy was a Jew. He fled and died in 1934, too early to witness his gases kill off his Jewish relatives. He was posthumously declared the first Asshole Fuckface. Asshole Fuckfaces are not always easy to find and I have been cursed with the task. Each week I pour over the news to find the worst human beings alive and present them for you to judge and hate. So, put on your plastic moo-moos, this is going to be ugly.

First up, you know what pisses me off about men wrongfully convicted of rape? They are freeloaders.

Meet Warren Blackwell. He spent three years in an English prison after being wrongfully convicted of rape.

Hey, Britain, easy on the weird words. Unless there is a dragon or a wizard around, let’s not use the word fantasist. Thanks.

Turns out the woman who accused him of the attack had a habit of falsely accusing men, then changing her name and moving on. She took down seven innocent dudes and is clearly a deranged Asshole Fuckface. Warren's crime never actually took place. So, Warren was released from prison after three years in 2005. But the exciting thing about his story is that there are two Asshole Fuckfaces, the second being the government of Britain.

Warren was awarded £252,500 for the wrongful imprisonment. But now the government has slapped him with a bill for £12,500 for his "board and lodging.” You know, the place where he lived while he was wrongfully convicted for a crime he did not commit. And it’s the perfect amount, punitive yet not worth fighting.

It seems this is not the first time the English have totally fucked over the wrongfully convicted.

Keep on Asshole Fuckfacing, England!

Next up, FEAR!, FEAR!, FEAR!

Rudy Giuliani is in the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still call his shit out. Rudy finished 6th in the Iowa caucus, mostly because he is a lying, adulterous, arrogant douchebag. And yet, he is not down. Not Rudy. He’s flying high and did someone mention 9/11?

Thanks, stretch. By the way, on September 11th I was not actually worried as much as completely freaked out and horrified. To describe yourself as simply “worried” is to describe a psychopath. But I was only watching the horrible deaths of thousands of New Yorkers as they died in a building in which I used to work. I guess you had your “guy in control” hat on. Keep doing whatever you can do to remind people that you were around on 9/11, taking control of a situation you made worse with your inept planning.

Oh, and Rudy unveiled a new ad this week. Did someone mention fear?



Holy shit! Somebody kill someone to save us! Now!

Next up: If you let old, conservative, white men talk about black people, you will always end up with an Asshole Fuckface. That is just simple math.

On Thursday, Bill Bennett was asked to come down to CNN and give his expert political commentary during the Iowa Caucus. And, why wouldn’t you want a racist to dispense his thoughts while a black man is one of the main candidates? I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Hey, the racist found a palatable Negro! That makes me feel great. And thanks for not using the word “uppity,” Bill.

He knows black people.

And our last Asshole Fuckface is the first official scab of the writer’s strike.

I’d like to introduce you to John Ridley. He’s one of those rare, conservative black men who are fawned over and celebrated by the right wing for their rare brilliance. He’s like an albino penguin. Who wouldn’t take a picture of and gawk at that? Guys like the above-mentioned Bill Bennett love the John Ridley’s of the world because they “Can talk about the issues with great dignity.” Ridley has been making the rounds on radio shows as a conservative pundit and the strike has greatly helped his incredible lack of celebrity.

Ridley has a resume that includes the movies Three Kings and U-Turn. Three Kings is an awesome movie, mostly because Ridley didn’t write it. He wrote the original script and it was re-written by David O'Russell, who is actually a quality writer. I’ve auditioned for a couple of Ridley’s pilots and was amazed at how shitty they were. It wasn’t until later that I learned his entire reputation is built upon the writing of another scribe. Ridley is the epitome of the Hollywood writer: Largely lacking talent but making a fortune due to an undeserved reputation and/or luck.

Since the strike began Ridley has gained a reputation as a dissenter. Dissent is fine, most writers don’t care and many actually encourage it because opposing views can only make our cause stronger in the long run. But this week, John Ridley decided to go fi-core. Fi-core is a legal term for scab.

And they can work during a strike. It is another great outcome of Reagan’s union busting policies. So, Asshole Fuckface Ridley has decided to become a scab. With that decision he will be lauded by the right for his courage and invited on more right wing shows. You are watching the emergence of a black Dennis Miller, except Ridley was never a very good stand up comedian or writer. I met him once, a long time ago, and found him to be an angry and bitter individual. Going fi-core is very in character.

Congrats to each of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will receive a leather FearTheReaper bib!