On Thursday, former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell released his report on the use of steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball. The 409-page report named 86 players and pointed the finger at the owners for knowing what was going on but taking no action.

America, of course, was aghast. And our politicians were there to show their feigned outrage about something that is meaningless.

Oooo, “troubled.” Considering all the shit you’ve done, I would think Derrick Jeter raping your dog wouldn’t trouble you.

Then Henry Waxman, my representative, jumped in and said he would
hold hearings today. Waxman is chairman of the House of Representatives Government Oversight and Reform Committee, so naturally he would get all up in the business of baseball. That is what government oversight and reform is all about.

Yes, and it has nothing to do with you, Mr. Grandstanding Bitch. You know why Congress will be holding hearings on steroids? Because it's an election year. Because the Democrats are implicated in legalizing waterboarding. Because Harry Reid is giving immunity to telecoms and not allowing oversight on FISA. Because they have helped Bush with his illegal wiretapping program. Because they have done nothing about the US attorney scandal. Because they have increased the number of troops in Iraq, rather than reduce. Because they have not held Harriet Miers in contempt. Because they have done absolutely nothing about immigration. Because they have done nothing about Bush cooking intelligence to start the Iraq war. Because New Orleans is still a wreck from Hurricane Katrina. Because we still haven’t restored Habeas Corpus. Because they have done nothing about human beings indefinitely detained without charges. Because they have done nothing to roll back the Bush tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans. Because the national debt is horrifying. Because Bush turned Medicare into a time bomb and they have done nothing to fix it. Because they continue funding abstinence education in the face of all evidence. Because they have done nothing to implement the 911 Commission recommendations. Because they have not looked into the 2004 Ohio voter irregularities. Because Bush is still writing his signing statements on bills without a worry. Because the Vice President still thinks he is a fourth branch of government. Because they have not addressed the net neutrality problem. Because they allow funding for the fake missile defense shield to continue. Because No Child Left Behind continues to destroy our schools. Because the White House still refuses to turn over requested emails. Because they have allowed Bush to repeatedly put lunatics on the bench. Because of the evisceration of the US Commission on Civil Rights. And because, most of all, on a day when the FCC is going to remove the rule that stops media companies from owning a newspaper and a TV station in the same town, Henry Waxman plans on stealing the spotlight with a bullshit hearing on steroids.

The list of failures for this Democratic Congress is huge. But here is one they cannot fail on because, my gosh, it is baseball we are talking about. It is the most pure sport in the land and we can’t allow big league players to do steroids because it will influence our kids. Then our precious children will take steroids and become huge, hulking children.

Never mind that the majority of kids are now on pharmaceutical drugs to calm them down. Never mind that alcohol is the #1 advertisement during baseball games. Never mind that their parents take drugs to go to sleep, to get through the day and to get an erection. We now have drugs that are so very "bad." And baseball players are the reason. Not football players, not hockey players, not basketball players, not boxers. Nope, it is the baseball players because that sport is so pure. It always has been.

Sure, Babe Ruth, that hero of heroes, was an incredible drunk and liked to do a bit of coke, but come on, that never hurt anyone. And Mickey Mantle. The Mick! So full of booze that the amount he ingested could have killed a donkey on any given day. Don’t pay attention to the fact that a baseball team is named the Brewers. And how about the Big Red Machine, hopped up on amphetamines? Shit, how about the majority of players taking amphetamines since 1940? How about the fact that the drug was introduced to baseball by WWII soldiers who took it overseas and gave it to their teammates when they returned to MLB? How about that the teams supplied it to the players? Congress jumped in and put a stop to all that nonsense for the kids, didn't they? Bullshit.

Yes, we need to get Waxman on this, now. Because today the FCC will allow TV stations to own a newspaper in the same town and Waxman thinks a steroid hearing should steal the headlines. But we know what is really important: Steroids. Because if we don't take care of that, the kids might start to get the wrong idea about how to live life. Then they might take steroids, which won't mix with with their Ritalin and Lexapro and their Zoloft and Desyrel and Lamictal and their Focalin XR and Depakote and Risperdal and their Catapres. Then they’d be totally fucked up.

It’s important to have priorities and I’d like to thank Congress.