Finally, the government is privitizing domestic spying. I feel so safe now. When I think of America, I usually envision large companies sifting through all of my information, my home and hopefully, my unmentionables. Thankfully, this dream is coming true. Up until this point, information from domestic spy satellites was only used by scientific agencies. After 9/11, the NSA was given powers that allowed it to monitor domestic communications without getting those pesky warrants. And now the Bush administration is blowing it out!

Sweet. Monitor the shit out of us. We used to have this stupid law that confined intelligence collection to foreign countries and battlefields. Not anymore. And let's make sure private companies are a huge part of it, because they never do anything wrong and have continually shown throughout history that they can be trusted.

Mmmmm, safety. Nothing makes me feel safer than knowing BAE Systems has my back. Also my front. And my unmentionables.

Last month all the private domestic spy companies went to the intelligence conference in San Antonio and lobbied intelligence officials, in a giant, disgusting, display of everything that is wrong with our country. But, hey, those companies are the ones who told the government that we needed to expand our domestic spying, so bravo.

A study group was put together by a couple of government agencies and they thought it would be a great idea to use former intelligence officers. Many of them just happened to be employed by private intelligence companies, like Booz Allen. Guess what crazy conclusion they came up with?

Word. We think you should give us money to do stuff. Lots of stuff. Oh, did I mention we’re going to need lots of money? To do that stuff we said should be done? Thanks for asking. Hey, you know that thing I said we should be doing with that satellite? Turns out I can totally do that. And it will only cost millions of dollars. How weird is it that I am the guy who is able to do what I said needed to be done? For money?

The domestic spying contracts are worth billions of dollars and this is a brand new business. The new plan was revealed in August and caught some people off guard. Bennie G. Thompson, a Democratic member of Congress from Mississippi and the chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee was surprised when he read about it in the Wall Street Journal.

Well, that is probably because most Americans don’t want to be spied on. Duh. Actually, maybe I’m just being an alarmist and blowing this all out of proportion.

Oh.

So far the NAO has been delayed. It was supposed to kick off on October 1st, but annoying Congress members and civil rights hippies have been making noise. Of course, later we will learn that the Bush administration did not delay the program. And then when we try to investigate, we won’t be able to because all the information is “classified.” This entire program will always be classified, which is awesome, because it is watching us.

- George W. Bush, September 12, 2001.